Topic ID: 35602
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BrokenSoul
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 12
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 Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: My Greates Song Yet! |
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Some people
Are on their way to see
What evil
The world will turn out to be
Only if they'd understand
What's right in front of their eyes
They'd see the world
And they'd realize
(chorus)
Broken smiles
Starless nights
Sunless days
And cloudless skies
If the world was like this
Would anyone care
To late
It's already there
Some people
Can not tell
That the world
Has already fell
It's caved in
To the devil and his deamonds
But it has
Angels somewhere hidden
repeat (chorus)
Some people can not see
That the world is not what it's suppose to be
God did not intend it
To be so horrible
repeat(chorus)x3 |
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Derek
Ultimate Mortality
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732 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:49 am Post subject: |
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Wow this is a really good song!
I think the chorus is repeated
too many times, maybe another verse,
or two would make it better.
The chorus and rhyme is good though. |
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*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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| i agree. hey what beat is it? |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:15 am Post subject: |
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is it a rap??????
GREAT SONG  |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:28 am Post subject: Great |
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| great song... I`ll try to make a guitar song for it if you don't mind. |
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thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: |
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The chorus is good. I think this song has real potential.
There are problems, though. But we all have issues, right?
Verse one is great. But look at the sylable count of verse 1:
3
6
3
7
7
7
4
4
No problem. Now, compare that to verse 2:
3
3
3
5
3
8
3
6
See? They don't sync up. Verses need to have the same beat or rythem, but different words.
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It's caved in
To the devil and his deamonds
But it has
Angels somewhere hidden |
I love this part. Keep this.
Others have addressed the repetition. I think you do need to insert a third verse in place of the bridge, then move the brige in later. As in:
verse 1
chorus
verse 2
chorus
verse 3
chorus
bridge
chrous X2
The chorus and verses are short, so you can pull this off. |
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Kiss of life
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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| i think that this song is really good! It has a good beat and is very deep! Good job! Don't worry about what thunderdude said! Thunderdude, songs really don't care about the pattern thing! Have you counted any of some of the professional singers' songs? They aren't very syllabus either. Songs are just about expressing how you feel at the moment or about a life changing experience or even about another person! This song is very good!Good job keep working! |
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