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Reuben A
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 Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: Melosica - Prologue |
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The flame spluttered and spat. Elias, King of Melosica, knew it wouldn't last long. In his hands he cradled his sword. He heard the sound of running feet, coming down from the hallway. The flame vibrated vigorously. The door behind him swung open. The flame died.
* * *
Alan stared at the great heap of pig dung.
"That dung won't shovel itself you know." His dad, who was standing behind him, said sternly. Alan dug the shovel into the dung, sending up a swarm of flies.
"Never again will I ever steal." He muttered.
"Louder!" His dad called out.
"Never again will I ever steal!" Alan shouted.
"That's better.
* * *
Millie ran down the narrow avenue. On her way, she passed a boy shoveling manure. She giggled. Poor boy. She ran on. Her house was close by. Then, she emerged from the shadowy avenue and into the Main lane. Usually it would be crowded with people wearing brightly coloured clothes, shouting prices and selling their wares. But today it was empty. Today was the Sabbath day. On the far side of the great lane was her house.In all her excitement, she failed to notice the big man sneaking up from behind her. He grabbed her. In panic, Millie squealed.
"Happy birthday!" The man said.
"Da-a-ad...don't do that!" She cried out.
"Mom's in there busy with 'something'. Don't go in." Her dad told her.
* * *
In a place that no-one knew existed, there stood a sprite. It had green skin with flimsy looking dragonfly wings.
"You will not have me." He tried to convince himself. The silvery trees were calling to him. He was sure of it.They sparkled in the dim light. One by one all of his memories were disappearing, till all he could remember was :
"You will not have me." And even that was a lie. |
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Last edited by Reuben A on Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:00 pm; edited 6 times in total |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Firstly, well done. there are some really good features and ideas present in this text including the section where you use nice short sentences in the fisrt paragraph for effect and impact. this was cleverly done
is this your entire prologue? Because if it was, i feel as though there was a little too much going on and you didnt get many hints of the actual story. It might be an idea to read through and take out any unnecessary sections
other than that it was good.
Keep up the good work and hope i have been of some help |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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Well written. Not too short, long enough for a prologue but, you jump too much: from pig dung to a giggling girl etc.
Sabbath day (what world is that???????"  Not really clear who is the main charracter here or is it both the girl and the boy? (mysteries, oh mysteries. )
make the parragraphs longer, tell us more.
Waiting for the next part.  |
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Kylan
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:36 am Post subject: |
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Prolgue = prologue.
If you want to be taken seriously, at least spell your titles correctly.
-Kylan |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:00 am Post subject: review |
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For a prologue this is well done but i would suggest to improve your descriptions.
1) I don't know your main idea so i suggest that the first part would be a bit bigger and not leave it hang in the air with no apparent action left in it. Confused? You mention the running steps, the door opens, the flame dies - great! - now the character that entered the room says something like "My king, it is done!" or something like that.
2) Vague idea... The creature was on the brink of losing his mind! Where was he? Lying in a corner trying to hide himself in the surrounding darkness?
Overall the writings are good. Keep up the work and i would really like to see more of it. |
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Firestalker
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
The flame spluttered and spat. Elias, King of Melosica, knew it wouldn't last long. In his hands he cradled his sword. He heard the sound of running feet, coming down from the hallway. The flame vibrated vigorously. The door behind him swung open. The flame died.
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Interesting beginning.
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"You will not have me." He tried to convince himself. The silvery trees were calling to him. He was sure of it.They sparkled in the dim light. One by one all of his memories were disappearing, till all he could remember was :
"You will not have me." And even that was a lie. |
LOL
Anyway back to the critique. Sorry to be hard but the descriptions of the story were at its least. all i could imagine of the first part was a king cradling his sword in a dark room with a candle and a door, seem a little boring or empty to you??
Yup you need to describe the scenes more. The story was fast pacing and interesting. Which is what i like although i don't know if it is right or not. Re-edit the story and add description. It will become much better and longer than this.  |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: Prologue |
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| For the person above. It`s a prologue... You don't describe a lot in this part of a book... you just present the reader some of the main characters and an action that will depend on the actual story. |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I can say that the part about the king and the sword ans the part about the boy and the girl (whoever they are) doesn't match. Or it something that is going to happen later?
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| The flame spluttered and spat. Elias, King of Melosica, knew it wouldn't last long. In his hands he cradled his sword. He heard the sound of running feet, coming down from the hallway. The flame vibrated vigorously. The door behind him swung open. The flame died. |
Great beggining but I've a question. The flame died because of the wind coming from the door, the person who entered, blew in out or it naturally happened?
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| Alan stared at the great heap of pig dung. |
You introduced this character so abruptly that we didn't even form a picuture of him. And you ended it abruptly also.
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| On her way, she passed a boy shoveling manure. She giggled. Poor boy. She ran on. Her house was close by. |
This character was introduced too soon also. And the underlined part didn't have any description at all. Only two or three words. I mean, we don't know if she is friendly with Alan.
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| In a panic, Millie squealed. |
It should be "In panic"
| Quote: |
In a place that no-one knew existed, there stood a sprite. It had green skin with flimsy looking dragonfly wings.
"You will not have me." He tried to convince himself. The silvery trees were calling to him. He was sure of it.They sparkled in the dim light. One by one all of his memories were disappearing, till all he could remember was :
"You will not have me." And even that was a lie. |
I didn't understand a word of this part, except that there was a sprite.
I think Firestalker is right, this does need more description, to understand the story.
Good luck. |
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Firestalker
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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Okay so its a prologue but still a little more descriptions will make it better. I mean even if you type it in a word document it wont take even a page. So i still say a description would be nice. And again your right about introducing the characters. But come on even a little description??  |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:19 am Post subject: |
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I like this length it short enjoy to read, but not so long your eyes go cross eyed from reading it. this story seems very interesting...
| Quote: |
| The flame spluttered and spat. Elias, King of Melosica, knew it wouldn't last long. In his hands he cradled his sword. He heard the sound of running feet, coming down from the hallway. The flame vibrated vigorously. The door behind him swung open. The flame died. |
Put in some details. Why is he cradling his sword, isn't he a king, where's his guards? Ahh... I'm so full of questions.
* * *
Alan stared at the great heap of pig dung.
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| "That dung won't shovel itself you know." His dad, who was standing behind him, said sternly. Alan dug the shovel into the dung, sending up a swarm of flies. |
okay it could be: "That dung won't shovel itself you know," said his dad sternly. He was so close he could feel his breath on his neck.
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| "Never again will I ever steal." He muttered. |
Okay good, you give us a view of the characters personality here. The ohase sounds a little ackward though turn it around, like so: "I'll never steal again," he muttered.
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| "Louder!" His dad called out. |
Nothing wrong here.... NEXT!
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| "Never again will I ever steal!" Alan called out. |
Okay don't repeat "called out". It could go like this: "I'll never steal again!" Alan repeated, grimly.
Put on the end quotation marks.
* * *
| Quote: |
| Millie ran down the narrow avenue. On her way, she passed a boy shoveling manure. She giggled. Poor boy. She ran on. Her house was close by. Then, she emerged from the shadowy avenue and into the Main lane. Usually it would be crowded with people wearing brightly coloured clothes, shouting prices and selling their wares. But today it was empty. Today was the Sabbath day. On the far side of the great lane was her house.In all her excitement, she failed to notice the big man sneaking up from behind her. He grabbed her. In her panic, Millie squealed. |
Okay this paragraph is so long you could split it up. Or you could use longer sentances to connect them. I prefer the latter. Anyways I think it was a nice description of where the girl was at.
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| "Happy birthday." The man said. |
Put the correct punctuation: "Happy birthday!" The man said in his excitement.
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| "Da-a-ad...don't do that!" Se cried out. |
Okay that one's good...NEXT!
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| "What? Anyway, mom's in there busy with 'something'. Don't go in." |
Okay you could rephrase this to make it smoother and easier for the reader.
* * *
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| In a place that no-one knew existed, there stood a sprite. It had green skin with flimsy looking dragonfly wings. |
Nothing wrong with this.... NEXT!
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"You will not have me." He tried to convince himself. The silvery trees were calling to him. He was sure of it.They sparkled in the dim light. One by one all of his memories were disappearing, till all he could remember was : |
Come on... who is he speaking to himself? Let the reader in a little more. YOU NEED A LOT MORE DETAIL THAN THIS!!! okay... NEXT!
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| "You will not have me." And even that was a lie. |
Interesting last sentance, if only I knew what was going on!
By the way, I know what your talking about when you say Sabbath Day, its Sunday. Overall you just need a little more detail. I like the plot though its definately original and I can't wait to see more from you. Nit-picking aside, I really like it. Don't get discouraged. If you need help, or just an opinion, PM me. Good luck. |
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Reuben A
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sylverdawn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:52 am Post subject: |
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As a prologue it's nicely done and interesting. But as far as I can tell the skips between time and place are stilted and I didn't really see any connection between them. As far as I can tell you just jump from place to place. You might want to work on the flow of the story, that's an issue I have too.
Other then that the characters seem interesting, you carried off the sullen boy very well. You might want to give them names though, and go a bit further into detail. It would help later on in the story.
Overall I liked it. It needs polishing but there's potential there, you just need to work on it. Keep me posted. |
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kefkaeatsbabies
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| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 10:09 am Post subject: |
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| I think you don't use punctuation to it's fullest extent so the piece, despite it's length, doesn't flow entirely well. There are so many periods in the non dialogue paragraphs that it gives the writing an almost spastic feel that I didn't get from the rest of the writing. |
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Reuben A
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