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Connie's YWS Fan-Fic
Connie's YWS Fan-Fic

by Conrad Rice in Fanfiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 4, 2008
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the princess

Topic ID: 35580
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praisejoe   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 22
Country: nigeria
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:04 pm    Post subject: the princess Reply with quote

Chapter One

Bida walked past her father's hut- which was the largest in the compound- and came to her mother's situated at the end of the compound, close to the fireplace.Her father, Chief Uma, was the king of Akwa village and the head of the entire Umunna district.

This compound served both as his residence and the administrative palace; he ruled the entire village and district from this historical compound. It is fenced round with mud walls constructed over ten years ago by his late father. In front of the other buildings stood a magnificient gate specially embroided by the village goldsmith and at the back was a smaller one that lead to the farm.

The first building was the palace of the king. It was constructed with bamboo sticks and raffia palms. At the center of the compound was the hut of the king surrounded by those of his seven wives; ten other huts were still under constrution for the teenage children who were about to perform the initiation rights.

Bida was nineteen years old, elegant, 5"7", light skinned and possessed dark curly hairs hanging down her wide shoulders. Her eyes were set in dark blue. She wore two pieces of clothing, an upper wrapper covering her bust and another covering her waist downwards. On her neck stood five rows of beads with an accompaning jigida on her waist, thes made a tingling sound as she moved. She was bare-footed and bore an air of happiness, afterall she was the princess of akwa and by implication the entire umunna district.

"Goodday mama" she greeted when she saw her mother, Mrs. Chinwe, the village queen

"Thank you, my daughter" she replied, offering her a stool.

The entire compoud was buzzing with activities; today was Bida's last day in her father's house, her suitor was coming to take home the next day. Chief Uma was out making final preparations for the next day, it was going to be a great day. Twelve maidens,by custom, had been brought for the purification and dressing of the princess. Cooking was going on, kegs of palmwine were also arranged for. The village masquerades and music group wer having final rehearsals.

"My daughter, tomorrow you know your suitor is coming for you'

"Yes Mama"

"For the first time we will be parting ways for a long time. Make sure you bring honour to this royal family by being submissive like i have been to your father all these tears. Open your self to your husband whenever he needs you"

"Yes Mama, i have heard you"

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Tlahti   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 10
Country: Denmark
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 1:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Overall a nice story with a good flow, and few grammatical errors.

I know this is just the first chapter of a possibly quite long story, but I would still like to have some more detailed descriptions of her surroundings etc. You do provide some information about Bida's appearance, but it's still quite superficial, and while you describe her physical appearance you give no description of her clothes other than their position on her body.

I'm also curious: What exactly is a Jigida? Razz

You put commas and periods to good use, and I only noticed a few places where I would tell you to change it.

Quote:
Bida walked past her father's hut- which was the largest in the compound- and came to her mother's situated at the end of the compound, close to the fireplace.Her father, Chief Uma, was the king of Akwa village and the head of the entire Umunna district.

This compound served both as his residence and the administrative palace; he ruled the entire village and district from this historical compound. It is fenced round with mud walls constructed over ten years ago by his late father. In front of the other buildings stood a magnificient gate specially embroided by the village goldsmith and at the back was a smaller one that lead to the farm.

The first building was the palace of the king. It was constructed with bamboo sticks and raffia palms. At the center of the compound was the hut of the king surrounded by those of his seven wives; ten other huts were still under constrution for the teenage children who were about to perform the initiation rights.

Watch out for those repetitions. Either merge some of the sentences, bringing the number of "compound"s down, or find another word to use instead.

Quote:
"My daughter, tomorrow you know your suitor is coming for you'

This sentence seemed a little odd to me. As it is, it sounds as if she'll know by tomorrow that (and not if) her suitor will be coming for her. I would suggest either "My daughter, tomorrow, you know, your suitor is coming for you." or just delete "you know". "My daughter, tomorrow your suitor is coming for you." "Yes mama".

The chapter seems cut off early. Again, I know it's just chapter one, but it ends very abruptly.

I think that was about it, and I hope I didn't go too far.

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