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When The Saints Come Marching In
When The Saints Come Marching In

by Kylan in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on September 3, 2008
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Music of the Night
The Music Of The Night part 3

Music of the Night 2

Topic ID: 35570
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Tabithalillian   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 1:49 am    Post subject: Music of the Night 2 Reply with quote

“Who are you?” I asked softly and quietly, like I was talking to a child not a boy that looked like he was at least ten years older than I.

All he did was whimper and back away on all fours, his fingers digging into the ground. I stepped closer to him, moving slowly, like how you move when you are approaching a wild animal. But that is what this man, the beautiful, angelic man , seemed to be.

"I won't hurt you," I whispered, despite our being alone. "Heck, I don't think I could, even if I wanted to," I said, throwing up my hands.

“You couldn’t.” came a quiet reply in a voice deep and rich.

“What?” I asked exited I had extracted a few sombor words from his beautiful mouth. But he simply shivered and shuffled away again. He was backed against a tree now. Again I moved forward like the idiot girl in every horror movie. Now he stood up slowly his muscles coiled, ready to leap off into the night at any moment. I stepped up to him until I could feel his ragged breath on my face.

“Your taller than I expected.” I murmured deciding that a quiet voice was the best approach. But he was tall. He must have been six feet at least, and every inch of him was pressing against the tree and he was holding his breath now.

“What are you, and what should I call you?” I asked this though I had a hunch. I wasn’t an idiot, I had read Dracula! The white skin, fangs. I wouldn’t have believed it if I wasn’t the one it was happening to.

“Nathan.” The word was like a song in itself but passed through his lips like a breath.

“I like that. I’m Christine.” I said staring at his eyes. They were amazingly blue, but not the piercing blue, or gold, or even black, the kind everyone talks about in books. A soft, cool color. It was then I realized, he was still holding his breath.

“You don’t have to be scarred of me.” He seemed to relax a bit at my statement.

“Will you tell?” He asked his eyes and voice thick with worry. The way the question was phrased he sounded like a little boy that had done some thing he wasn’t allowed to do.

“No I wont tell anyone.” Now his muscles un-coiled and he let out a long breath, like snow on my face.

He reached out and touched my cheek with his hand, letting his fingers trail along my cheekbone and explore my lips. The other hand ran through my thick crazy curls. Then the hand left my hair and laid over my heart.

“Amazing.” He breathed.

“I don’t know about that. .” I mumbled blushing and lowering my head. His other snowy-white hand cupped my chin and tilted it up and in the rush of the moment I stood up on tiptoe and covered his mouth with my own tiny pink one. For a moment he pushed his lips back harder and then pulled away, his eyes wide and body slipping back down on the ground.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that.” I gasped not wanting him to slip back into his shell so easily. Nathan shivered, his eyes wide and slightly misty.

“Not one for talking much are you?” I asked a smile pulling on the corners of my mouth. He shook his matted black hair and drew his legs up to his chest.

And so we sat, and I felt myself slowly falling asleep. The last words I heard Nathan whisper were:

“Beautiful.” And I fell asleep with a smile on my face, my head resting on his pale shoulder.


_________________
"Because I like doing it," he said.
"I enjoy it." -Lestat


Last edited by Tabithalillian on Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:20 pm; edited 2 times in total
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jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:28 pm    Post subject: Re: Less Than Perfect 2 Reply with quote

phew finally got done with half of my homework! Time to take a quick review break, haha.
This is excited but short....grr! haha I just want to know whats really going on here. Who is this mysterious creature? Why can't she leave? Why can't she find it in her to want to leave...I asked these questions all day!!!! I'm not sure if there are a lot of nit picks but I'll re read for ya. Here I go!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I stepped closer to him, moving slowly, like how you move when you are approaching an animal.

Smart. Haha. how about 'wild animal'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
But that is what this man, the beautiful beautiful man , seemed to be.

I wouln't go for repeating beautiful...Thesauruses are our friends!!! Which, once again, mine isnt loading.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“I wont hurt you, heck, I don’t think I could if I wanted to.”

Wouldnt she want to whisper to him? Something like this would make more sense "I won't hurt you," I whispered, despite our being alone. "Heck, I don't think I could, even if I wanted to," I said, throwing up my hands. ?????? maybe ??????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You couldn’t.” came a quiet reply in a voice deep and rich.
Quote:
“What?” I asked exited I had extracted a few words from his beautiful mouth.

If your going for 'excited' reword the sentence like "What?" I asked, excited that I had actually extracted a few somber words from his beautiful mouth. If somber seems dumb, it's because I forgot what it meant and my theasurus is broken!! AHHH!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Nathan.” The word was like a song in itself but passed through his lips like a breath.

Perfect hot name!!!! sweet!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I like that. I’m Christine.” I said staring at his eyes. They were amazingly blue, but not the piercing kind everyone talks about in books, a soft, cool color. It was then I realized, he was still holding his breath.
"I like that," I said looking into his eyes. I tried to make my voice sound sweet and innocent. "I'm Christine." His eyes were an amazing blue. Not that piercing gold or black that I've read about in books. They were a soft, cool color. It was then, I realized, he was still holding his breath. Have you noticed that I rewrite a lot of your stuff? Maybe I am too harsh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Amazing.” He breathed.

Dreamboat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, they just sit there? Where's the fun in that? Gah! Must. Know. More.

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"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nitpicking really isn't my thing, so I won't do any.

Anyhow, this story is definitely going to take some work. My biggest peeves?

Well, for one, this is another one of those 'here we go again' cliches. Yes, an ice-cold, chiseled, muscular vampire. Yes, he's from the eighteen-hundreds. Yes, he's 'beautiful'. Yes, he's shirtless and muscular - But, what makes this story so different from the other sixteen-year-old-falls-in-love-with-hot-vampire threads? I've read about six that, when broken down just slightly, are exactly like the rest.

I mean, I know how easy it is to just say 'What the heck, I just wanna do a cliche vamp story'. It's fun. It's exciting, and I can't tell you not to do it. But I can advise you to throw it out, write something that is solely yours.

Well... I need to go. But please, for the your sake and your readers', try a little more creativity.

Good luck! In whatever you do, I might add. Smile

-SELA

_________________
"I don't," he complained, "understand why I have to be the stupid guy."

"Well, that makes one of us, doesn't it?"


-Delys; Lliestt
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Tabithalillian   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 5:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for reviewing but, lets all keep in mind that this is only like the first page of this story. I may not even finish it. I enjoy starting storys on impulse and then just leaving them for a rainy day. But back to biuness, one of my biggest peeves, people who think they know what is going to happen when they have only read the first page. I could have read the first page of twilight and been like "ooh this is about a teen girl who moves with her dad. I hate storys like that." and shut the book. Also this vampire isnt a smoothe talkin' totally sane or even civil Edward Cullen Vampire. just so ya know. But any way thank you for reading it and the luck!

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"Because I like doing it," he said.
"I enjoy it." -Lestat
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 10:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So romantic, Lillian. Very Happy I loved how you portrayed the vampire not like a monster, but of a victim. Very unique!

Quote:
“You couldn’t.” came a quiet reply in a voice deep and rich.


Comma instead of a period after “couldn’t”

Quote:
“What?” I asked exited I had extracted a few sombor words from his beautiful mouth.


I think you mean “excited”, right? Also, it should be “somber”

Quote:
Your taller than I expected.” I murmured deciding that a quiet voice was the best approach.


Should be “you’re” instead of “your” Also, it should be a comma instead of a period after “expected”

Quote:
“I like that. I’m Christine.” I said staring at his eyes.


Comma instead of a period after “Christine”

Quote:
“Will you tell?” He asked his eyes and voice thick with worry.


Small “h” on “he”

Quote:
“No I wont tell anyone.” Now his muscles un-coiled and he let out a long breath, like snow on my face.


“won’t” and “uncoiled’ is one word. Wink

Quote:
“Amazing.” He breathed.


Comma instead of a period after “Amazing”

Quote:
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that.” I gasped not wanting him to slip back into his shell so easily.


Comma instead of a period after “that”

Okay, this was so good. I’m such a sucker for vampire romances Embarassed

I can’t wait to read more! PM me when you post the third chapter!

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-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
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JC   View This User's Portfolio
Fin. Word Count: 80,000
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
like I was talking to a child not a boy that looked like he was at least ten years older than I.

Overcluttered. Keep it simple, and try something like "talking to a child, not a man."

Quote:
“You couldn’t.” came a quiet reply in a voice deep and rich.

Formatting issues here. This should be:
"You couldn't," came the quiet reply in a a deep, rich voice.

Quote:
“What?” I asked exited I had extracted a few sombor words from his beautiful mouth.

By now we get the point. He's beautiful. You can stop saying it now.

Quote:
“Your taller than I expected.”

You're*

Quote:
“What are you, and what should I call you?” I asked this though I had a hunch. I wasn’t an idiot, I had read Dracula! The white skin, fangs. I wouldn’t have believed it if I wasn’t the one it was happening to.

Meh. It may just be personal preferance, but I didnt like this. Why not keep it simple, and just ask what his name is? Simple, to the point. Good Very Happy

Quote:
“Amazing.” He breathed.

Formatting again:
"Amazing," he breathed.

Quote:
His other snowy-white hand cupped my chin and tilted it up and in the rush of the moment I stood up on tiptoe and covered his mouth with my own tiny pink one. For a moment he pushed his lips back harder and then pulled away, his eyes wide and body slipping back down on the ground.

Whoa there, pony! What??? Are you serious??? She ran into this "Beautiful, animalistic, ten-years-older-than-her vampire what, five minutes ago? So she kisses him?????

I'm sorry, but this is just about the least realistic route you can take, so unless you write this for pure self-pleasure, take it out. No reader wants to read something like that so soon. The story becomes bland, predictable and just no fun when that happens.

If this is a story you plan to pursue, then save it for later. Have her get to know him, then risk it. Take the story somewhere before you push it over the edge. Please, please, please, don't claim to have an origional story and then blow it all over the place with trite, traditional occurances.

I know you don't like having your work called a "Twilight baby" as I like to call it, but if you're going to do this, then you can't blame us. Please, no matter what the page count is, write your own story. The "big twist" later doesn't matter if we're reading a fan-fic inspired 'origional'.

Keep it real, Keep it simple, but most importantly:
Keep it yours.

-JC

_________________
I think that a certain amount of happiness is worth the trouble, and I know that nothing worth having comes easy. -JC

[Formerly known as JCobsesed]
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This thread was created on September 3, 2008

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