Topic ID: 35551
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| How well did I do |
| Excellent |
|
12% |
[ 1 ] |
| Good |
|
87% |
[ 7 ] |
| Fair |
|
0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Bad |
|
0% |
[ 0 ] |
|
| Total Votes : 8 |
|
| Author |
Message |
GAM
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 5
300 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: Saying Goodbye |
 |
|
Saying Goodbye
When Love dragged us to each other,
We tried to so much to make it pass over,
But all it did was take us down and under,
My heart could not take it any longer.
Your smiles brightened my day,
My presence made you stay,
Yet none of us said a word to relay,
The feelings we tried to avoid back in the day.
I feel so bad saying goodbye in one day,
and know we did not make the most of everyday,
Just praying as you leave today,
that one day it would not be that way.
Praying that I will see you sometime,
that love will drag us together again,
and then I will make sure it lasts,
and we will never say goodbye again. |
Last edited by GAM on Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:49 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
ringettegirl
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 32
Reviews: 23
Country: Ireland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
WOW! i really liked that! umm i'd say you did very very well! i'm not one to crit....but i loved the poem anyway! i hope you keep writing!
 Ringettegirl |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
piepiemann22
For Honor
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Posts: 1368
Reviews: 178
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
Over all, I very nice poem, but nothing is ever perfect. I only noticed a few thing though, so don't worry.
This seems to always happen with new members and poetry. Please add punctuation. It helps add rhythm, mood, tone, voice, and expression. Simple commas and periods can make the poem 100% better, trust me. Reread it, notice how you say it to your self, and add so we say it that way too.
Your longer lines seem to throw the flow off a bit. Take a look at lines 7, 8, and 10. They seem to drag on a bit too much.
Other than that very nice, keep it up.
~Mr. Pie |
_________________
With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.
~By me Anthony Delia |
|
| Back to top |
|
JesusFreak
Novice
Age: 13
Joined: 19 May 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 7
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
Over all that was really good. I did think though that some of the lines seemed to full and didn't flow with the rest of the piece.
Another thing, though probably from my own stupidity instead of your mistake, I had to read the line "and know we did not make the most of everyday" a couple times to understand. BUt, that was probaly my own stupidity.
Good job. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
BrokenSoul
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 12
0 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
okay i dont want to be the only one to critisize but i dont want to lie soo here it goes.....
first you used the word "eachother" to much same with "day" and "again"!
I will tell you what i have been telling others that make the same mistake that evry one makes. EVEN ME!
Make the poem have its own life instead of making it look like u just found words and threw
them on a peice of paper. Make it have its own beat to dance to
its own voice to sing
its own Heartbeat.
MAKE IT HAVE ITS OWN LIFE!
make it drown in its words
make people feel what u r feeling
make people see what u r seeing!
you lost me in boredom because of those to reasons. You repeated words and It didnt have its own
life! i dont care about punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.. I want to read something
that makes me want to dance along with the words on the page!
BUT...don't feel bad about it because its a common mistake! I KNOW that i make it ALL THE TIME!
So keep working but dont give up! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Lil_Pau
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 221
Reviews: 100
Country: Land of Eternal Dawn
363 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is a wonderful poem. I like this, but there are still parts that need to be improved:
1) Punctuation - yep, I know, piepiemann22 mentioned this already.
2) Rhyme - well, for me, the rhyme sounds a little bit forced. Try let your poem flow naturally. Rhyming is not necessary.
Apart from that, the rest sounds good! I vote it 'good', but I know you can do better.
Good luck and happy writing!
|
_________________
Victory is the result of a fight, determination is its base.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fellow
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:16 am Post subject: Review |
|
|
OK nice idea not saying anything about that, but indeed nothing is perfect as piepiemann22 said.
Try avoiding repeating the same words in a big sentence as "each other - each other".
Its fine when you say example : "I`m breaking it again and again" in the same verse but not in different lines.
As well the words as "day-today-everyday-day" in the most of lines and you used 3 "again"s in the last part... try making it again. |
_________________
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35881.html - Need reviews? Click! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
