Topic ID: 35546
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| Total Votes : 9 |
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Tusker93
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 Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 5:27 pm Post subject: Iris |
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Swirls of ocean blue, or a cloudy desert brown
Sparks of emotion lie deep down,
Fields of green, or an abyss of black
It is magnificence like this the pyramids lack,
Sleek silk, or a rocky mountain,
Shaped by the creator himself in Eden,
Though skilled craftsmen try and outdo,
Upon failure they bid this challenge adieu.
A window to the soul of humanity,
Its landscape more diverse than botany,
We may wonder how to replicate,
But here, we walk into our own checkmate
Artificial works do not compare to such beauty,
For this masterpiece is beyond that of eternity,
This is true wonder – impossible to deny,
Such is the character of the iris of the eye. |
Last edited by Tusker93 on Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:59 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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Hi! I liked what you tried to do here, but I'm not sure the poem is quite 'there' yet.
The first stepping stone to improvement is punctuation. In this case, it is fairly obvious where lines end and so on, but it really does make it easier for a reader if you put in the necessary commas and full stops and so on.
I think the rhythm could also use a bit of work. If you're going to write a rhyming poem, rhythm is important. In this poem, the number of syllables in each line vary from eight to fifteen in no set structure. Try eight or ten syllables in each line, or even 8-6-8-6 in each verse. It will improve the flow of the poem.
Lastly, the two middle stanzas are a little clunky, partly because of the rhythm, partly due to ideas and words:
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Smooth velvet or a rocky mountain
Shaped by the creator himself in Eden
Even the most skilled of craftsmen marvel
For it is far more precious than the Taj Mahal of marble |
'Smooth velvet' doesn't work as something created by God. By putting it beside 'rocky mountain' and before 'shaped by the creator', you imply it is something found in nature. Try swapping 'smooth velvet' for an idea similar to 'rocky mountain' (rivers or trees or something like that) that isn't man-made.
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A window to the soul of humanity
Its landscape more diverse than botany
Empires are forged from toil and conquest
Though even conquerors can only open these through request |
'Botany' stood out to me here, possibly because it was too 'scientific' a word for the poetic style in the rest of the poem. I didn't really understand from 'Empires' through to 'request'. The idea didn't seem to fit in at all.
The 'pyramids' line in the first stanza had the same kind of effect for me, although they are man-made so I can see why you chose them.
I did like the last stanza, and the idea behind this is very poetic. However, I think the poem needs a bit of tidying up as regards punctuation and rhythm to allow readers to fully appreciate what you're trying to say. |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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Firstly, thanks for the review and taking the time to read it Sapphire it means a lot to me .
I've only ever written a couple of poems so I find it really hard to grasp the concept of rhythm and syllables. It's something I'll definitely try and improve on in the future but thanks for pointing that out.
I changed the last two lines of each of the 2nd and 3rd stanzas to look a little less 'clunky' and to make more sense. Looking back the empire part didn't make sense either, I suppose at the time I was desperate to find something that rhymed.
I wasn't sure exactly where I should leave punctuation because as I say it's my first time writing a poem, but I hope any punctuation I added helps.
Cheers again. |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:59 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, Tusker!
There's really something about this. I like the main idea, and your imagery is sweet, as well.
The second stanza is good, but I don't think the rhyming is that great in there. It just almost rhymes, and that is even worse than not rhyming at all... I don't mean poems have to rhyme, but if it does, the rhymes should fit amazingly.
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| we walk into our own checkmate |
This is my favourite line. The metaphor is fresh and unique, good job in that!
| Quote: |
| of the iris of the eye. |
I know you can't really say any other way, but this sounds like a big jumble of words. However, I think it can't be helped. I just thought I'd say it out loud.
You should maybe try do the stanzas more flowing, and when you have, I think you've got a great, great piece of work. Keep writing!
Demeter xxx |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Demeter
Thanks for the review and I know exactly what you mean on the last line, a better line just hasn't crossed me yet.
Glad to hear the checkmate line was your favourite because I actually came up with it after Sapphire's criticism of the poem - so I'm overjoyed the editing came out well.
I'll definitely look into a way I can improve the 'Eden' line in the second stanza - I assume that's what you meant by the 'almost rhyming'?
Hopefully in future poems I'll be able to make the writing flow more, thanks again.
Take care .
-Tusker- |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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Ah yes, that's what I meant. Also, I'm not sure whether "outdo" and "adieu" rhyme. I don't know, maybe I just pronounce them in a different way from yours.
Just tell me if you'd like me to criticize any of your other work, I'll be glad to do that!
You too, take care.
Demeter xxx |
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andrew.j.m
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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This is some great stuff. I like the word choice and the ideas. Your word choice uses words that we all know, just don't use to often.
I love the ending.
Good job. |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:11 pm Post subject: |
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Cheers for that andrew, glad to hear you think so.
-Tusker- |
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 12:42 am Post subject: |
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| This is really good. The adjectives are really well picked. But I didn't really get what is it about. If you can mail me and answer. |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:28 am Post subject: |
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Hey, is this really your first poem? It was really good, really enjoyable. Good job on the choice of words and structure. The rhyme was OK, quite good. I have nothing else to point out.
Great work! Keep it up. |
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anti-pop
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| Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:21 am Post subject: |
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Ok, let me say this first: I really like what you're trying to do. I think you used a wide vocabulary and readers appreciate that.
However, The first stanza took me a second to get. I most definitely second what Sapphire pointed out about the syllables. Those are very important when you want to be able to make your poetry flow.
As far as rhyming goes, with this type of poem I just wouldn't if I were you. A few of your rhymes were rather forced, and I think that you could pull of a much better poem if you didn't try to rhyme.
Let me know if you're going to rewrite this, I'd love to check it out!
*anti-pop |
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oboemagic_1414
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| Posted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 5:46 am Post subject: Re: Iris |
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I think it's good. It needs to flow more however. You don't need to rhyme to make this poem sound good. Alot of discription is added and I think it might be appreciated if you jumped to the point sooner. Although I love how you described it, it does get tedious. Explain "Checkmate." Last lines are meant to be empowering. Try to do that more. Use one of your amazing descriptions from above to just finish it off with a shimmy. Wait a sec... you're talking about earth, correct? It's not good that I need to kind of read the poem 10 times to sort of get it. Make that more obvious to. All in all I think it's good. Fix it up and you've got something
 :lol |
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