Topic ID: 35542
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spike71294
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 36
Reviews: 3
97 Points
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 Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:42 pm Post subject: Betrayer Betrayed |
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Thunder roared,
Eagles soared.
Heaven above,
Hell Below.
All laughed at me.
A fool they said.
A fool they meant.
They were right.
Who would give his life for the other?
I might.
But now the thief is robbed,
My love I lost.
My tragedy ended.
I lost the one I wanted.
She betrayed me,
"We got to move on." She said.
And now I'm hurt, lying on the ground.
I am the betrayer betrayed. |
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andimlovegalore
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 545
Reviews: 111
Country: England
482 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:07 am Post subject: |
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Hi Spike =] here's a review for you.
The flow of this poem is excellent! You have really, really good rhythm, the poem tugged me along to the end with every word. I'm impressed because I'm really not very good at writing rhythmic poems like this.
There are a few things I could suggest, if you don't mind.
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Thunder roared,
Eagles soared.
Heaven above,
Hell Below. |
This part is a little bit cliche, maybe. I understand about setting a very dramatic scene, but heaven above and hell below is a well used image, I think it would be better for your poem if you made it more original, more personal to you. Although, as I said before, it does sound out well.
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All laughed at me.
A fool they said.
A fool they meant. |
I like this a lot, the repetition of "a fool they" is very effective and sounds excellent. I am not sure what it means exactly though. What I mean is, if they said a fool, wouldn't that already imply that they meant a fool?
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They were right.
Who would give his life for the other?
I might. |
I like your rhyme here, it's good because it doesn't come across at all forced or unecessary.
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But now the thief is robbed,
My love I lost.
My tragedy ended.
I lost the one I wanted. |
This is the only stanza that is a little bit off, I'm not sure about wanted and ended together, they're sort of a funny-dodgy rhyme if you can see what I mean. However, the meaning behind this stanza is nice so definately don't change it too much.
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She betrayed me,
"We got to move on." She said.
And now I'm hurt, lying on the ground.
I am the betrayer betrayed. |
This is a good ending to the poem. If I have it right then it's a good twist, because it's moved from this fantastical, dramatic scene to a more down to earth, human and emotional thing, the entire poem was a long metaphor for the loss of a loved one. I don't know if that's what you meant, but that's what I thought when I read this.
Anyway, if you have any questions just ask me =] |
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spike71294
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 36
Reviews: 3
97 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:33 am Post subject: |
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"A fool they said.
A fool they meant."
well to be honest I made this line to build a flow, a rythm in the poem.
I also dont know if it makes sense.
and yes you understood the poem well.
I think this poem's not hard to understand or is it? |
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Misinterpreted
Junior Writer
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Joined: 16 Oct 2008
Posts: 45
Reviews: 12
Country: South Africa
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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It really HIT HOME with me
I have felt betrayed by many people i trust and love'd'
You have a unique sense of Knowing about you
and you're just 15?
Geez amazed just simply Amazed!
"Thunder roared,
Eagles soared.
Heaven above,
Hell Below."
These lines stood out for me and then the end really nailed it!
well done
Told you I'd review yours!
well hope it was a half decent one ? |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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960 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 12:12 am Post subject: |
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This was mighty good, spike! 
The emotions were real and the attitude of the poem very clear. I also might have caught a hidden message in there, about you maybe betrayer her before she betrayed you...? Or that might just be me looking into it more than I should 
Anyway, I liked it immensely. You sure have a way with words! |
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