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The Elephant Boy {sixteen}
The Elephant Boy {sixteen}

by Kylan in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on September 3, 2008
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The Thief in the Night

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jones32   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:58 am    Post subject: The Thief in the Night Reply with quote

Entry for scasha's conest, flaws are fantastic

The Thief in the Night

"A diamond with a flaw is better than a pebble without."

The sky was clear and in the great expanse of dark sky above, the universe glimmered silently. He came, in the depth of the night, a vagrant, prowling through gloomy alleyways, invisible amongst shadowy shrubs. He strolled fluidly around the light pools of lamp posts, danced carelessly beneath the cloud cast shadow of the moon. He was lord of the dark, the nocturnal prince. He could have pranced naked through the gardens he visited, or wandered nude through the great mansions he stalked, for no one ever saw him, not that he minded, for that was the plan.

The cloak flowed behind him, like a hovering, rippling body of black liquid, permanently attached to the lithe frame. The soft black footwear displaced not even a rose petal as he padded silently through the flower bed. Comfortable black cotton garments covered every inch of flesh and a black woolen balaclava finished off the outfit. His senses were tuned to perfection; he was almost animalistic in his actions, nose and ears twitched as they strained to pick up the slightest scent or sound. Large, catlike pupils were locked upon his target as he made his way nimbly towards it. When he was near enough, he stopped and’ wrapping the great cloak around him, faded into the vegetation. Slowly, large dark eyes scanned the imposing building ahead. The elegant frontage of the gothic mansion arose like a cliff face. Gargoyles screamed a thousand, silent obscenities at him, perhaps, he thought, to warn him away. Too late now. Briefly he scanned the windows, not the tiniest ray of light shone from any of them. Suddenly he was up, bounding across the lawn, cloak a flutter. He reached the large oak door, a brass lion knocker roared at him to turn back; he ignored it in his usual arrogant way. He made short work of the door, then, after placing his kit back in the pouch and removing his shoes, he opened it. Wincing, as, to his highly tuned ears, the hinges shrieked terrifyingly loudly, although in reality it can’t have been more then a slight grating, he stepped through. The door clicked satisfactorily when he closed it behind him.

The thief found himself in a large lobby; twin staircases swept magnificently up either walls and met in the middle at a corridor that ran off in either direction.

He climbed the marble steps leisurely and when he reached the top, stopped and surveyed the gloomy corridor, a large portrait of a stern, mustached man eyed him disdainfully. He stuck his tongue out at it.

A door was slightly ajar at one end, he crept through. Immediately his eyes were drawn to a large pearl necklace that lay enticingly on top of a bedside table. He scanned the room, his eyes moved to the bed, and then stopped; he simply stared, hardly breathing. He viewed the soft white object on the bed, head cocked to one side, eyes dreamy in wonderment. He stood there for little more then a moment, and then it passed as he tore himself away from the sleeping beauty, carefully picked up the necklace and hurriedly left the room. He flittered through the rest of the house, not seeing anything, his mind was numb, he moved in a dream like state. His thoughts lingered on the pristine figure, wrapped in the white silk sheets.

Well disciplined hands picked up various shiny objects, which he placed carefully into his cloak which had know been transformed into a sort of sack. When it was full with an assortment of valuable items, it was time to leave, he wandered back down the hallway and again spotted that oh so slightly open door at the end of the corridor, he was drawn to it, he couldn’t help himself. His legs were but servants to the power of his feelings. He went and stood by the bed, she was like an art work, so perfect, so pale. In her slumber she seemed so… peaceful, he stopped, thinking about when he last thought about peace, it seemed so abject in the face of his tumultuous soul. When she stirred, to move a delicate little hand and rest it on a rosy cheek, the thief almost had a heart attack. Don’t wake up. He shuddered to think at what he would have to do if she did, it was forbidden for any human to see a midnight stalker, and as far as he knew, none of them ever had. God, she was so divine, he lingered, not wanting to leave. She was the prize jewel, he thought to himself; the treasures in his bag may as well have been coal in the face of such a faultless creation. Her benign existence contrasted so sharply with his flawed character. Suddenly all his misdeeds swirled about his mind, bringing back memories that were unexpectedly painful, the greed, gluttony, arrogance of his youth. He thought about his indefatigable ambition to climb to the top, the pride and vanity of being there, of being the best amongst his kind. It all paled into insignificance when faced with the simple beauty of the young woman who lay before him. Something made him glance out the window, to his horror; he realized that dawn was beginning to streak across the landscape, bathing the countryside in a fresh, pale glow. With uncharacteristic gentleness he laid the pearl necklace back on the bedside table, and with almost physical agony, wrenched himself away. Then he fled, the dark figure streaking away through virginal frost.


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Rubric   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 2:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, I'm Rubric and I'll be your literary surgeon this...well it's 12:24am where I am at the moment.

Quote:
The cloak flowed behind him, like a hovering, rippling body of black liquid, permanently attached to the lithe frame.


The entire purpose of the liquid simile is to conjure the idea of "hovering" or "rippling". What then is the purpose of including those two adjectives as part of the description?

Quote:
footwear

You've managed to be very descriptive, and yet quite nonspecific. What kind of footwear is it? A boot? A sandal? A greave? A thick sock?

Quote:
faded into the vegetation

either switch faded with fading, or turn the preceding comma into a semicolon.

Quote:
mansion arose like

arose is an verb. unless the building is actually standing up in front of him, you mean to say "rose"

Quote:
He made short work of the door

again with the vagueness amidst heavy description. How did he make short work of the door?

Quote:
can’t have been more then a slight grating

couldn't have been more than a slight grating

Quote:
, he stepped through

this hangs messily off the end of the sentence. Cut it off cleanly with a full stop, or an axe.

Quote:
swept magnificently up either walls

you've used the word "either" incorrectly. As it stands, at best the sentence reads that one wall is swept up magnificently, but not the other (which reads horribly because it is as though it is one or the other at the same time and that is an idea that would send Schrodinger mad, let alone the poor reader).
replace the word either with both, especially since you repeat "either" later in the sentence.

Quote:
A door was slightly ajar at one end, he crept through.

You need to replace the comma with a full stop because it (A) separates the two ideas and (B) builds tension by having smaller sentences.

Quote:
his mind was numb, he moved in a dream like state

replace comma with semicolon

Quote:
pristine figure, wrapped

I really think figure is a poor choice of word. First, it objectifies the sleeping person, which would only really be good if you (as the narrator) were trying to hide the fact that it was a person for some later shock. Secondly, it sounds lascivious, which may or may not be your intention. It could be misinterpreted as to sound like he's remembering her figure, which basically paints your protagonist as a peeping tom rather than a lovestruck swashbuckler.

Quote:
Well disciplined hands

disciplined is another poor choice of words. It conjures images of self control or humility, which is probably not what you're after considering your character is in the act of theft. Although those connotations are derived from the alternate meaning of the word "discipline", never leave yourself open to that kind of double-entedre unless it is intentional.

Quote:
various shiny objects

your piece is so heavily laden with description that to see useless descriptions like "shiny" in there makes me reach for a scalpel (with which to cut out said words, of course)

Quote:
When it was full with an assortment of valuable items, it was time to leave, he wandered back down the hallway and again spotted that oh so slightly open door at the end of the corridor, he was drawn to it, he couldn’t help himself


(A): You need to draw the idea "It was time to leave" into its own sentence, to add drama. (remember, short sentences!)
(B): The description "assortment of valuable" for the items, is a bit sub-par. Go with something a bit more descriptive or precise. We know he's a thief and we know he won't steal ten copies of the same thing, so it's a given.
(C)"oh so slightly" sounds almost acceptable when pronounced, but reads horribly.

Quote:
In her slumber she seemed so… peaceful, he stopped, thinking about when he last thought about peace, it seemed so abject in the face of his tumultuous soul.

(A)lose the "...", express yourself with punctuation or words, not ellipses.
(B)Again, using full stops instead of commas around "he stopped" will add strength and drama to the piece.
(C)I'm pretty sure you mean abstract instead of abject

Quote:
When she stirred, to move a delicate little hand and rest it on a rosy cheek, the thief almost had a heart attack

This sentence is great all the way up until "heart attack". It's so clinical and out of place a term to find, given the diction of the rest of the piece. Try replacing it with something along the lines of "the thief was gripped by abject terror" (especially for a correct use of the word "abject).

Quote:
He shuddered to think at what he would have to do if she did

lose the first "at"

Quote:
and as far as he knew, none of them ever had

superfluous, it doesn't add anything to the story that's worth keeping.

Quote:
Her benign existence

hmmm, benign implies intent rather than appearance, perhaps replace it with something along the lines of "angelic" (just to keep to your theme)

Quote:
painful, the greed

you start a list (a new idea) after painful, so replace it with a semicolon.

Quote:
best amongst his kind


reads oddly. perhaps "best of his kind" or "best amongst his brethren"?

Quote:
out the window, to his horror; he realized

at the moment it reads as if the very idea of turning his head is horrifying to him, which isn't what you mean. You need to separate the idea from looking out of the window with the horror, probably by moving that semicolon you've got later on in the same sentence.

Quote:
With uncharacteristic gentleness

You've spent a few paragraphs explaining how precise, delicate, disciplined and proportionate his actions are. Gentleness is not uncharacteristic for him per se, though I assume the compassion he displays is.

Ok. You have three issues that come up several times in my above corrections. Firstly, your use of punctuation is often mistaken in terms of grammar, but more often still is simply not the best way to construct your piece. Use syntax to create atmosphere.

Secondly, you often use words out of place, or overmuch. Steven King seems to be against using -ly descriptive words, and I don't think I agreed with him until I saw how overused they were in your piece. There are other ways to describe objects than with -ly adjectives.

Finally, I've indicated some places where you misuse words, either out of their meaning or where a more appropriate one springs to mind. Hopefully you see where I'm coming from.


Otherwise good piece!

P.S I may have made some rather large oversights as I didn't check the contest's rules. If I have, or if there are any issues you have with my critique, I'd be glad to respond through pm messaging!

Rubric

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