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This thread was created on September 2, 2008
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Beyond the Doorway of Doom Chapter 2
Topic ID: 35497
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Krupp
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
474 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: Beyond the Doorway of Doom Chapter 2 |
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Chapter 2 of my fantasy novel takes us to the other side of the world, into a city that's rife with fear and despair. A detective is chasing after a secretive killer that delves deeply into the supernatural, and Satanism....
What the detective Trent Miller discovers is more than just a man that kills out of insanity; he finds a darkness that is far greater than any man can face:
like last time, I will give 50 points to anyone who critiques along with the additional points they get for writing a critique. So you have that to look forward to as well as a great chapter to read should you decided to undertake reading the chapter.
I apologize if this seems long. I was just on a roll when I wrote it all. |
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germangrlzrule
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 41
Reviews: 3
Country: you know.. that place...where I'm from...
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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It seemed good to me. Some of your sentence wording is alittle off, and can at time be a little confusing. I get a good sence of character, and your visualzation is on point. As far as I can tell I don't see much wrong with it. But maybe a more advanced critque could pick out some things. Sorry I couldn't help you more
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Jay
Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 97
Reviews: 43
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: |
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| Well, I don't usually like things that involve "cold, dark, and reeking of bodily fluids, split and rotting flesh". The phrase 'his knuckles started to turn black and blue, and enlarge' is a bit awkward-maybe 'swell up' would be better than 'enlarge'? I like the blend of fantasy and reality. It sounds like it's becoming quite a dark story, so it would benefit from some humour here and there to balance the grim mood out. |
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| This thread was created on September 2, 2008 |
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