Topic ID: 35486
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kris
Senior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 5:51 pm Post subject: Autumn has come. |
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Autumn has come, and the summer has ended.
The trees from green, are hoarding deep scarlet,
the last fruits fled from their branches going dun.
Nothing can stop the flowers from falling away,
nor can you beg for more day, as the light ebbs.
Squirrels forage and gather for their coming doze,
moving past so lightly, weighed down by previsions.
More heavy rain will come, the violent winds too,
to beat against our refuge, and howl in the night.
Springs babes no longer bound through the valleys,
taken away to make for warming winter stews.
Swallows always leave you, but they were only passing by... |
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Dark Star
Writer
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Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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| i liked it!! it was mellow and sweet and still came though with lots of emotion. one gets a happy-sad feeling when reading this. it gives one an appritication for the good summer months and a feeling of awreness for what is to come and expect from the arrival of autumn. the ending was a bit "lonely" but i really liked that. you came off with a exceptionally powerful ending. awesome job! |
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Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
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Joined: 08 Dec 2004
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Country: England
339 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the ending, too, it is a little lonely, especially the lambs...
I don't think you need the first line. I mean, the title already explains what the poem is about, and that line doesn't really add anything to the poem, so I'd say cut it out. I like the third stanza, and how day rhymes with away even though it's not the end of the line. It sounds good. Great use of description in this piece. |
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Fellow
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Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 58
Country: Romania
180 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:29 am Post subject: Review |
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Great idea! It a bitter-sweet feeling there that i like. I actually like the poem because it dosent have rhyme... The sand story of the ending of life.
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| the violent winds too,/to beat against our refuge, and howl in the night. |
Nice description about the winds and the sounds here. Nothing to point out.
The ending is quite lonely but it points out the ... sadness that floats in the air of autumn. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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Country: In a Dickens novel
500 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:07 am Post subject: |
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Hello Kris darling!
I'm sorry about being frightfully late at reviewing this- my excuse is school and family commitments. But now I'm here and better late than never as they always say!
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| Autumn has come, and the summer has ended. |
I think scratching this line completely would add to the mystery of the poem- it just seems to weak a beginning to such a wonderful poem.
As we move through the metamorphosis, you really do well in creating great imagery to convey the theme of change. Behind it I get a folk vibe, and the language is subtlety brilliant in that it reminds me of actual walks I've taken through the forest. It's very realistic and vivid in places. My favourite lines are:
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| The trees from green, are hoarding deep scarlet, |
And definitely this:
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More heavy rain will come, the violent winds too,
to beat against our refuge, and howl in the night. |
I love the fantastic concept of the spring babes. So nice yet so sad.
Great poem,
Love,
Eimear |
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