Topic ID: 35472
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Monarch
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 100
Joined: 02 Sep 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 1
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 3:45 am Post subject: Adonis |
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divine contrast:
the dark tones of your skin,
against a butter yellow polo.
strung tightly:
the strings of your racket,
an extension of your arm
beautiful by association.
(also me,
when I watch you.)
pulsing wildly:
my young heart,
pounding beneath asymmetrical breasts.
(also you,
in your element.)
streamlined muscles:
every inch of you,
trained and strained
perfection.
recurring fantasy:
you, striding across the court,
glance back to smile at me. |
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In_the_Moonlight
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 87
Reviews: 54
Country: Nartimarick- yes it does exist.....
539 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject: |
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This was an okay poem. Part of it was really good while the other wasn't so good. I got confused somewhere in between, and then lost track. I also think it should have had a bit more rhythm, it was actually pretty awkward at some points.
divine contrast:
the dark tones of your skin,
against a butter yellow polo.[quote]
This line for example starts out nice, but ends with 'butter yellow polo.'That to me just doesn't fit. Overall I think we should expect something great from you. I liked your style and hope that you continue to write.
P.S. remember to get 2 reviews before you post again.
-Moonlight |
_________________
Some people say, Save yourself and you save your life.
I say, Be yourself and you save your soul.
-Estrella de Madrigal
http://4fantasyreadersonly.webs.com |
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Lynlyn
the ocean is full of water
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 08 Apr 2007
Posts: 418
Reviews: 167
Country: Yeah. A little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll.
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 5:21 am Post subject: Re: Adonis |
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This is really interesting.
I liked this the second time around - the first time, I completely misread it. Let me demonstrate, so perhaps you can clarify for other silly people like me.
| Monarch wrote: |
strung tightly:
the strings of your racket,
an extension of your arm
beautiful by association.
(also me,
when I watch you.) |
When I read this, I associated those two lines rather than the "strung tightly" part.
| Quote: |
pulsing wildly:
my young heart,
pounding beneath asymmetrical breasts.
(also you,
in your element.) |
You have all these depictions of this beautiful athletic human, and yes, it's all very sensual, but asymmetrical breasts? While this may be an anatomically correct statement for lots of women (heck, men even), it's still uncomfortable imagery, even if it's supposed to be a contrast, but that's probably just me being weird (I guess it's the same reason I don't like reading Sylvia Plath).
This was more awkward the first time I read it because I was, again, associating the two lines I have bolded rather than the "pulsing wildly." I was wondering why this paramour of a lithe, athletic person was suddenly being compared to asymmetrical breasts. I think it's just because they're set on opposite edges of the stanzas - unfortunately, I can't really suggest a way to edit this without chopping it up completely.
Again, a very interesting poem, and I enjoyed it. Would love to see some more of your stuff (but make sure you keep a 3:1 ratio of reviews to posted material).
EDIT: Looking at this when it's not 1:00 in the morning, I'm sort of unsure how I misread it the first time... so I don't know if that's even really valid commentary. If you can find an easy way to clarify that, do; if you can't, don't.
EDIT 2: Looking at this when it's not 1:00 or 5:00 in the morning, I have corrected my weird spelling mistakes. (Sorry.) |
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Last edited by Lynlyn on Thu Sep 04, 2008 8:31 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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praisejoe
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 22
Country: nigeria
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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hello monarch, i will like to say that that was a good one coming from you as a new member. your poem was quite intresting, and impressive. i love your good use of phrases an constructiveness of your poetry. i also appreciate the good use of structure and good language ability.
welcome to Yws it is a wonderfull site, i am also a new member trying to get used to this nice website. feel free to review other's work and criticize.
i am praisejoe, a nigerian and probably the only one on the site.
thanks
cheers
Please talk about the piece in question in critiques...they are not places to advertise your own work! Love, Poetry Crew. |
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