Topic ID: 35467
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Princess
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 267
Reviews: 70
Country: Candyland
593 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 1:57 am Post subject: A gift from hell |
 |
|
Katrina you have done your duty,
Satan has erected your call.
Now in the fiery depths of hell
the crowd is expanding.
Gustav is on its way,
hiding will do you no good
you will run out of time
when satan blows his whistle.
Rain as hard as nails
is simply a warning.
If you tamper with satans rules
he will strike with all his might. |
Last edited by Princess on Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:43 pm; edited 6 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
SimplyPersnikety
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 9
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: Re: A gift from hell |
|
|
| EmmaSweetie100 wrote: |
Katrina you have done your duty,
Satan has erected your call
Now in the fiery depths of hell
the crowd is expanding
Gostav is on its way
you had better hide my friend
you run out of time
when satan blows his whistle
Rain as hard as nails
is simply a warning
to get away from this place
get away and stay away
 |
Very nice and definitely a good poem for the recent events. Good subject ( I would have never thought of this!) and gives a nice look into your views on hurricanes (They come from hell..) Only one error I saw.
"when satan blows his whistle"
Satan is capitalized.
Good job over all!  Can't wait to read more! |
_________________
"It is better to open your mouth and be considered a fool then to keep it closed and remove all doubt." Mark Twain~
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once." -William Shakespeare |
|
| Back to top |
|
Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
500 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 5:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello!
We've met before, haven't we? Well, welcome to YWS anyway. Hope you're settling in. It's great to see a lot of new poets treading these boards.
Now, onto the poem. It's a whopper, isn't it? I love, love the way it's about real life events. Big tick from my box. It's topical and it's easy to read. I especially love this line:
| Quote: |
Rain as hard as nails
|
At first I immediately thought- oh no, it's another cliche, but then when I really thought about it and read the next lines, it really drove home the image of hard rain pouring from the heavens as a warning, almost like a nail physically 'driving' people out of their home.
The theme is well done. The likeness to the hurricane come from the gods so to speak- or from the devil is very biblical, which of course conjures all sorts of images into one's head- the world ending, the great flood in which the arc was erected. A lot of food for thought and a wide span of perspectives can be used here.
I also like the way you showed more than you told. I don't need to elaborate on that- you knew how to do it, and you did it. Excellent.
The last lines are good:
| Quote: |
get away and stay away |
Of course, if I let you completely off the hook I wouldn't be a very fair reviewer. Poetry with no punctuation is unacceptable. So put in those full stops and commas, and you'll see the difference in how your work looks and is received. Remember, the reader cannot hear your physical 'voice' so you must use all the visual effects you can- e.g. structure, punctuation- the poetic devices such as alliteration, dramatic irony, personification ect.
Rant over,
Well done!
Love,
Eimear |
_________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
|
| Back to top |
|
Dark Star
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: Re: A gift from hell |
|
|
i liked this poem, though it could use a little touching up. i really like the idea (though it is spelled Gustav, not Gostav). your poem is a dark story, make it that way. the way you wrote it makes it a little to light. the story is cruel and sad. make us (the readers) feel that.
| EmmaSweetie100 wrote: |
Katrina you have done your duty,
satan has erected your call. (i really like the way you worded this.)
Now in the fiery depths of hell
the crowd is expanding . (this doesnt make to much sense and is missing emotion.)
Gostav is on its way,
you had better hide my friend. (i dont feel or get anything from reading this part)
You run out of time (you WILL run out of time???)
when satan blows his whistle.
Rain as hard as nails
is simply a warning,
to get away from this place,
get away and stay away. (your ending is not strong. it feels like it was just a quick way for you to wrap it up and it gives no justice to the subject which you describe. put some creative emotion into this ending. its an evil tail. make this ending count!!) |
you have great potrntial and your subject topic is a great idea. just play with the words a little. look forward to seeing what you can do. i believe in you!!! feel free to PM me with any questions! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
praisejoe
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 22
Country: nigeria
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i think i love this poem and it's nice use of good phrases.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Katrina you have done your duty,
satan has erected your call.
Now in the fiery depths of hell
the crowd is expanding.
Gustav is on its way,
hiding will do you no good
you will run out of time
when satan blows his wistle
Rain as hard as nails
is simply a warning,
if you tamper with satans rules
satan will strike with all his might
i believe it is a nice poem and an intresting one.
wistle- whistle.
thanks |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Chirantha
The boy genius.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 753
Reviews: 143
Country: Somewhere above or below ground
1671 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Let me see. Good poem.
Katrina(,) you have (had) done your duty,
satan (Satan) has erected your call.
Now(,) in the fiery depths of hell(,)
the crowd is expanding.
Gustav is on its way,
hiding will do you no good(.)
you(You) will run out of time(,)
when satan (Satan) blows his wistle (Whistle,)
Rain as hard as nails(,)
is simply a warning,(This should be a period)
if (If) you tamper with satans (Satan's) rules(,)
satan (This should be 'he') will strike with all his might(.)
Well, it was good. Well done.
Good luck.  |
_________________
"ARE WE GOOD TO GO?" - Julius Root
"No need to shout, commander. These head sets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar" - Foaly
"And is there a spider scratching in madagascar?" -Julius Root |
|
| Back to top |
|
gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
380 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: |
|
|
The punctuation has pretty much been taken care of (though that's no where near my strongest area anyway).
Anyhow, this was a good piece.
It had a nice flow and rhythm about it.
The concept is wonderful.
It's a great view of what is (or was) going on.
I never could've come up with anything like this.
Beautiful job. The capitalization of Satan and spelling of whistle is all that I caught, and they were strictly minor issues.
Keep up the good work!
-Jocelyn. |
_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
Pattycakes
Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 65
Reviews: 31
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 3:48 am Post subject: |
|
|
"Katrina you have done your duty,
Satan has erected your call.
Now in the fiery depths of hell
the crowd is expanding.
Gustav is on its way,
hiding will do you no good
you will run out of time
when satan blows his whistle.
Rain as hard as nails
is simply a warning.
If you tamper with satans rules
he will strike with all his might."
Pretty cool. Couple thoughts though: first, just on grammar, you capitalize Satan once but then forget the next two times. I know sometimes such things are done for stylistic purposes, but I feel like that's not the case here.
A call can't be erected, it can be answered, enacted, taken up etc. but erected denotes building something. Different word maybe?
Why are the people killed in these storms going to Hell? What have they done to deserve such a judgment? Also, I feel like Satan has more bad ass ways of calling a storm than by blowing a whistle. No conjuring or conducting or anything?
Cool poem though, very relevant subject matter, and interesting way of approaching it. Nice job! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
