Topic ID: 35437
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SunshineOrange
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 Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 9:19 pm Post subject: Leaving Mum |
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It's time for me to crash, boom, fall.
Into your open arms, that don't seem
So open anymore.
It's time for me to hop, skip, fly.
Away from my prison of years.
Your tomb.
Now it's my turn to live. |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 9:51 pm Post subject: Re: Leaving Mum |
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This is a lovely little poem, I really like it. Your wording is brilliant and the message is exact and also vague, as in I know what you're feeling and experiencing without a million and one obvious details which is exactly what I like. Your line breaks are perfect, I love how you draw the attention from one lovely line to another, just the right length. Yeah. I like it =]
I think it would look nicer if you made some changes to your punctuation and capitalisation. For example:
It's time for me to crash, boom, fall,
into your open arms that don't seem
so open any more.
That might not be exactly how you want it, but I just like it better in a poem when every line doesn't begin with a capital. Maybe that's just me, I think it improves the flow and makes it feel less like a jumble of words and more like something real that comes from a person.
One thing I didn't understand was why this person would be crashing and falling into the arms of their mother if they wanted to escape and be free. Wouldn't it be away from? Or am I missing something? I also thought the final line was a little bit weak. For such a powerful poem, time for me to live seems a bit wishywashy and cliche. You can probably write something more lingering and powerful than that! |
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praisejoe
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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i think it is a short and intresting poem
It's time for me to crash, boom, fall.
Into your open arms, that don't seem
So open anymore.
It's time for me to hop, skip, fly.
Away from my prison of years.
Your tomb.
Now it's my turn to live.
i like the way in which the poem expressess freedom. a generally nice poem. |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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I like it. It shows out it's meaning by such a few sentences. Good work.
| Quote: |
It's time for me to crash, boom, fall.
Into your open arms, that don't seem
So open anymore. |
It might (that's might) make it better if you put it as "It's time for me to crash, boom and fall. Right into your open arms, that doesn't seem, So open anymore"
| Quote: |
It's time for me to hop, skip, fly.
Away from my prison of years.
Your tomb. |
This also can be written as "It's time for me to hop, skip and fly." But what do you mean by "Your tomb" at the end?
Well, it was nice litte poem, and I liked it?
Well done and good luck. |
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