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Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on September 1, 2008
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Drew Morrison

Topic ID: 35430
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moon_shifter143   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:27 pm    Post subject: Drew Morrison Reply with quote

Down in the valley

		In a small, quiet town

		The wind rolls lazy

		Through broken windchimes

	

		The shops and the stores

		Are open but empty

		And a few people walk

		Down the dusty old streets



		The cast of this town

		Like Molly the book-keeper

		And there’s Fred the horse man

		Who’s long lost his horses

		

		There’s Dave, who sits 

		In front of the rusty bike shop

		Smoking cigars and pipes

		Reading last year’s paper



		And poor Max the banker

		Never seen a penny or client

		So he sighs behind his desk

		And sips welfare coffee



		There’s Sally the house-wife

		And Vince her old husband

		Their minds on their children

		Long since left home



		The town in the valley

		Down, down in the valley

		With no name to claim

		And so frozen in time



		Then one day he came

		He came to the town

		That had lost his name

		The day Drew Morrison came



		He wore a trench coat that fell

		All the way down to his knee

		They wondered, they did, on who he could be

		Someone different, they whispered

		Different than Vince or Molly or Max

		Different than Sally or Dave or Fred

		Different than all the things

		That the nameless town had



		Drew wasn’t rich, and he wasn’t a tourist

		He was simply Drew Morrison

		Black hair and green eyes

		But things were different



		And on the day the Drew Morrison came

		Everything changed, in the town with no name

		And nothing was ever the same

		The day Drew Morrison came


Last edited by moon_shifter143 on Wed Sep 03, 2008 12:25 am; edited 2 times in total
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thething912   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I kind of like this, it gave a sense of mystery which, I think greatly added to the poem. Also, it makes the reader want to find out who this person really is. I think you also did a fine job in describing the town and telling how deserted it is or was so, good job.

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StarDuster   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I, of course, really liked this. A few little pointers, just so I'm helpful for once instead of only completely gushing Very Happy (though I'm sure you can't mind that too terribly....)

Quote:
The town in valley
Down, down in the valley


I'm not sure if you meant to put a "the" in the first line or if it was on purpose. Either way, just checking.

Quote:
All the way down to his knee
They wondered, they did, on who he could be


These two lines rhyme, but the rest of the poem doesn't.

That's all... I'm done. Just a few things and I've had my say. I'll shut up now.
Other than that, I really really liked it (no surprise there, but I'm being honest with you now.)
I would agree with person who commented before me... it was mysterious.



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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Different than Vince or Molly or Max

Different than Sally or Dave or Fred

Different than all the things

That the nameless town had


Very deftly done there. One thing I would ask of you: what are you really trying to say about names here? You've got more than a handful of names, Drew Morrison being the most prominent, and yet the town is 'nameless.' It feels like you're skirting on the verge of something that could be quite powerful, but not quite delivering.

Regardless, you do a good job of conjuring up a sense of locale and atmosphere. I felt like I was in a Western and everything. Smile

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moon_shifter143   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 9:22 pm    Post subject: RE: comment by gaylegoh Reply with quote

Quote:

You've got more than a handful of names, Drew Morrison being the most prominent, and yet the town is 'nameless.'


the reason the town is "nameless" yet everyone in that town has a name is because their lives are so insignifigant, sad and to a certain extent, pointless, that they might as well not have names.

Also, Drew Morrison, if you'll notice, is also the only one with a last name.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 1:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I see! You cleared this up extremely well. I did notice Drew Morrison's surname, but I didn't make the connections you did because to me a last name was still a name -- well, actually, in fact a last name is still a name. Having said that, I don't see how you can avoid this conundrum without losing some of the haunting and precise quality present in the work, so I'll leave you to it.

My more major piece of advice to you is to not stop writing. Seriously, don't ever stop. When I was 15 I felt like I would never stop and that people were silly to tell me such obvious things, but life slowly got in the way. There were papers to write and dogs to feed and sleep to catch up on and reality TV to be addicted to. Now, trying to get back into the swing of things is arduous. It's coming along, but it's very hard. So please keep practising, because you've got something special. But you already know that.

Comments would be appreciated on http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35536.html if you have a minute to spare, by the way. They've been a bit sparse, i.e. non-existent to date.

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