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Finding Claire Summary
Finding Claire Summary

by thevoiceinside in NaNoWriMo
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on September 1, 2008
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The Animal I've Become: Chapter One!
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 1. [Edited and Rewritten]
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 2. [Revised and Rewritten!]
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 3.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 4.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 5.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 6.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 7.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 8.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 9.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 10.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 11.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 12.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 14.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 15.
Welcome to Miami: Chapter 16.
Welcome to Miami: Epilogue.

Welcome to Miami: Chapter 13

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 3:46 pm    Post subject: Welcome to Miami: Chapter 13 Reply with quote

It's been a long time - I know. Ever since high school started, I have been busy with Italian studying, Journalism project, English reading, two mile runs everyday, and after school field hockey until 6PM. SO... yeah I've been really busy, haha. But I have finished the book and so now all I have to do is post! Then I can start the sequel.(; REVIEWS ARE REALLY NEEDED, PLEASE.

I walked through the lobby when I saw Brad and Carly walking towards me, hands locked. I stopped dead in my tracks as they advanced to me; smiles plastered on their faces. Last time I hear from Carly she didn’t want to be with Brad. She didn’t want to be pushing anymore. Did Brad talk to her? Did he make her feel guilty? Or were they truly together? I shook my head from my thoughts and walked towards them.

“Hey guys!” I smiled, slapping my hands on my knees.

“Oh my god!” Carly gasped, looking at my new piercings. “I forgot to say how good your hair looked, but wow now the snake bites too!”

“Wow - just, wow.” Brad smiled. I laughed at his reaction as Carly inspected my new additions.

“Thanks.” I smiled. My lips were swollen and hurt, but at least I was happy with them. “How are you guys - get passed your differences?”

Brad smiled down at Carly who looked uncomfortable. I could tell by her face that she didn’t want to talk about it.

“Yes, we did.” Brad smiled up at me. I wanted to be happy for Brad, he really did love Carly. But I knew Carly was hurting and I felt terrible for that.

“Carly, I needed to talk to you. Want to go shopping later?” I asked, hoping I could speak to her about Aaron. Or even if it was good enough to ask what her and Brad were doing together. I know Brad didn’t intentionally cheat, but that’s not what I meant. Last time I spoke to Carly she told me her heart chose another path. She didn’t want to pretend to love someone anymore. So; what were her and Brad doing together?

“Um, actually if it’s okay with you Brad, we can go now.” Carly looked at Brad with pleading eyes. I felt bad for taking Carly from Brad, but I felt I was helping for taking Carly away from Brad. Does that even make sense?

“Sure, babe.” Brad leaned down and kissed her cheek, letting go of her hand. Carly came over to my side and nudged me to follow. Brad looked back at Carly, waiting for a goodbye. I smiled and nodded at Brad, then turned to follow Carly who was already heading out the lobby door onto the boardwalk.

“That was awkward.” I stated, walking next to Carly. Her short figure made me feel like a huge giant, her head barely meeting my chin. She nodded as she placed the hood of her jacket up.

I looked up at the sky as each rain drop made it’s way down, exploding on the wood. I didn’t wear a jacket - I enjoyed the rain. It cooled me off and made me feel better. I especially loved to run in the rain. Thinking of the idea, I turned to Carly.

“You want to run?” I asked her. Her head shot up and looked at my quizzically.

“You’re kidding - right?” She asked, her eyebrows knitting together.

“Well, it’s raining which makes it more fun! And I know you like to run when you’re distraught, and I’m guessing this is a pretty distraught situation…” I folded my arms over my chest.

“The sand will suck in our flip flops.” I looked down at my feet to see my flip flops squeaking against the wet wood.

“We’ll run with out shoes off!” I smiled.

“You’re really pushing this - aren’t you? Here’s one, where will we our flip flops?” She now crossed her arms, smirking at me.

“I just wanted to take advantage of the situation.” I winked, unfolding my arms. Carly laughed and stopped walking. I stopped and turned to her as she stared out at the sand.

“Well, we’re a few feet in front of the hotel, we could hide them under a bench or something.” She stated. I looked down at my ten dollar shoes and shrugged, they weren’t that meaningful. I placed mine under the bench against the wall and then took Carly’s. We made our way onto the sand until we were next to the shoreline.

“You ready?” I asked, getting into stance. Carly unzipped the jacket and pulled down the hood.

“Where to?” She asked, stretching out her muscles. I stopped and looked around, the docks were about a half a mile away. That seemed a pretty good distance.

“The docks.” I stated. We both got into our ready positions, “You wanna do the honors?”

“Go!” Carly screamed. By the time I took in the information, Carly was already a few feet ahead. I darted after her, pacing myself so I didn’t run out of breath.

“I’m so faster than you!“ Carly yelled from up ahead. I smiled to myself, knowing that soon she would run out of breath and then I would speed up. After a few minutes Carly’s pace slowed and she returned to a jogging speed. I sped up next to her.

“Now who’s faster? Pace yourself next time!” I shouted, then continued. We were almost there until I saw Carly running right next to me at a fast speed. Her face was fierce and she was breathing intensely, I knew she was angry. I looked ahead of me and concentrated on our path. My muscles started to ache and I smiled, enjoying the feeling. I slid on the wet sand as we closed into where we would stop and accidentally hit Carly. We fell on the sand and laughed. I sat up and looked down at my sand covered body.

“Here.” Carly stated. I looked over and saw water flying towards me. I covered my eyes and the water that Carly splashed went over my body.

“Ugh!” I grunted and got up. I laughed and brushed some of the sand off.

“I’m sorry.” Carly giggled, then stared to brush off the sand on her own body. She turned to me and smiled. “So - what was that talk about shopping?” Carly asked as she placed the hood of her jacket up. I grinned and we walked up along the docks back onto the boardwalk. We entered a shop and started to browse through the clothes.

“So, why are you and Brad together?” I asked as I pulled out a medium black shirt that had neon spray paint colors on it everywhere.

“He explained the whole story to me-” Carly stopped to take out a halter dress that was ruffled at the bottom. It was a pretty orange that would look great with her tone color. “-and I couldn’t say no.” She sighed as she placed the dress back onto the rack. I walked over and pulled the dress off the rack and pushed it up against her.

“It looks really good, by the way.” I said as I put it back on the rack. “If he has that kind of power over you, how are you ever going to be able to get over him?” I was now looking through some mini dresses that would be great for parties.

“I don’t know. He just… he’s been apart of me for so long.” Carly came up beside me to look at the same dresses. I pulled off a dress that had a low cowl neck that was lose fitted around the waist, then a tight band that stopped at mid-thigh. It was a nice purple-chrome color that would do nicely with my hair.

“If you don’t love him Carly, then you’re only hurting him more by being with him.” I took the dress of the rack and draped it over my arm. I turned to Carly who eventually went back to the orange dress and was ready to go into the dressing room.

We went into the rooms next to each other as we tried on the dress.

“How are things with you and Aaron, Evie?” Carly asked. I pulled of my shirt and pants before really thinking about it.

“I’m not exactly sure. This morning we had a bit of an argument. I think I over reacted though.” I let the dress fall down over my body as soon as my arms and head were through.

“Really? About what?” Carly asked.

“Well… last night we kind of, um…” I held my arms, thinking of the memory. I jumped as I heard a loud thud. “Carly? You okay?”

“You had sex while I was sleeping in the bed next to you guys?” I heard her hiss next door. I felt my face flush.

“Yeah.” I sighed, straightening out the dress.

“…How was it?” I heard the smirk through Carly’s voice. I smacked the wall and heard her laugh. “Just kidding. But what went wrong?”

“This morning he wanted to talk.” I started as I pulled the hair out that got caught under the dress. “He said it was his first time, which I completely could understand and that was fine. But then he said he wanted to… forget it. Everything. Like it never happened…” trailed off, upset at the thought.

“Ouch. Were you bad?” I heard Carly’s door unlock. I rolled my eyes in response and unlocked my door.

“No. At least, I hope not. But that’s not the point, I highly doubt he meant it like that.” I said as I started to walk out. Carly looked stunning in her orange dress that stopped a little above her knee’s. She twirled as I stared in awe.

“Then what did he mean?” She pouted. “You look really cute, by the way.” Carly smiled as she placed her hands behind her back.

“Thanks. I’m not sure but it hurt that he didn’t want to remember such a happy memory.” I pouted, too.

“Well, cheer up kid because I am buying you that dress.” Carly smiled, patting my shoulder. I gasped at her then pulled out the tag to look at the price.

“It’s forty-eight dollars! Are you crazy? What about yours?” Carly laughed at me.

“Relax, I have one hundred and thirty something on me from bussing tables.” Carly smiled, pulling money out of her wallet.

“No.” I firmly stated.

“Yes!” Carly stared at me as if I was crazy.

“No!”

“I don’t accept any other answers!” Carly crossed her arms and looked up. I knew she wouldn’t let any of this go.

“At least let me pay for half.” I pleaded. Carly thought for a moment.

“Fine.” She smiled, then turned on her heal to go back in her dressing room to change.

When Carly and I walked out onto the boardwalk, the rain stopped and all that was left was the setting sky. I breathed in the ocean air and smiled, this felt good.

“Want to go out tonight, try out our new dresses?” I asked, turning to Carly who was also enjoying the sunset.

“Sure! But my dress looks way too cocktail party for me, I’ll use something more sexy from the hotel.

“No! It looks really good, come on!” I insisted.

“How about we shop some more and go when it’s dark out. We’ll decide this later.” Carly pulled my arm.

“Okay.” I smiled.

By the time we were done, I had my dress, new metallic purple eye shadow, and a pair of silver pumps that were on sale for thirty dollars. Carly had her orange dress, a yellow bead necklace, and yellow leather flats to go with it. We walked back to the hotel in laughs, giggling about jokes and some of the whacky outfits we tried on. We walked in through the lobby doors when Carly stopped dead in her tracks.

“What?” I laughed at her face expression.

“Our flip flops!” Carly yelled, laughed and then darted back out onto the boardwalk. I laughed and followed her. Surprisingly, our shoes still remained where we hid them under the bench.

We ran up to the hotel and opened the door to find Brad working on Spring Break homework.

“Hey!” Carly smiled, walked up and hugged Brad. Brad reached up and kissed her cheek. I stared in shock, Carly must be in a good mood.

“Hey. Where’d you guys go?” Brad turned his attention from the papers and stared at us.

“Girl stuff.” I winked and then walked into the bathroom to change. I pulled off the clothes I had and stepped in to take a quick shower.

“So, what homework are you doing?” Carly asked as she sat behind Brad. He looked at her and smiled.

“Just some English. Are you guys going somewhere?” Brad asked, setting the papers and his pencil down on the bed.

“Out.” Carly pulled out the dress and held it up against her body. “What do you think?” Brad got up and walked around the bed.

“It looks very nice.” He kissed her lips. Carly stopped the kiss and smiled.

“I need to get ready.” She weaved past him with all her accessories and into the kitchen to get ready.

“Well, you were very friendly with Brad tonight.” I smiled as Carly and I sat at a table in the Miami club.

“I was in a good mood - but I wasn’t that friendly. I looked at him as a friend, then when he kissed me I realized we were still together.” Carly slumped.

“That’s it. Get up.” I ordered, setting my drink down on the table.

“What?” Carly got up, confused.

“I’m going to find you a really hot guy to dance with whether you like it or not.” I looked around. Carly stood up and protested, but I ignored her as I made my way through the crowds. Sitting at the bar was a very cute, blonde hair, blue eyes guy. Sandy hair that brushed its way around his chiseled face, dark blue eyes that creased at the ends, and a tan line from the sea shelled necklace around his neck.

“Hey, beautiful.” He winked, taking a sip of his beer. Obviously, he was twenty-one or older which is usually right up Carly’s ally.

“See my friend over there in the orange dress?” I pointed to Carly, moving my body closer to him.

“Oh yeah, she’s pretty cute.” He smiled. Carly sat, looking around nervously.

“Well, her name’s Carly and she needs to know how to really have a good time on the dance floor and I’ve chosen you to do the job. Don’t worry - I’ll be there too.” I winked, taking in a waft of his cologne. Surfer boy laughed and got off the bar stool, taking one last sip of his beer.

“Okay. I’m Sean, that’s Carly, and you are?” He placed a hand on the small of my back as we walked over.

“Carly, this is Sean. He’s here to lighten your mood. So, let’s go.” I smiled, grabbing her hand and pulling her up from the chair.

“Hi.” Carly smiled shyly at Sean and held her hand out. We walked out onto the dance floor where a heavy beat song played and everyone danced close. Sean grabbed Carly’s waist and grinded up against her. Carly giggled with nervousness and turned her back to him and danced. Sean kept his hands on her waist and breathed into her ear. I sat down at the bar and looked around.

“Excuse me, Ms. Are you twenty-one?” I turned to face the bartender who waited to see the yellow band around my wrist which I didn’t have.

“Oh! Sorry-”

“Don’t worry, she’s with me.” I turned and saw a brown haired guy sitting at the bar with the wrist band. He scooted closer and took my hand and winked.

“Yeah, yeah I’m with him.” I smiled. He pulled me off to the dance floor and we instantly got into the music. I placed a hand on his shoulder and another in my hair, dancing up against his body. He had one hand at his side and one on my waist.

“What’s your name?” He asked over the music.

“Evie!” I shouted, “You?”

“Laurence. Nice to meet you, Evie!” He smiled. Laurence had buzzed brown hair and an ear piercing. When he smiled, a dimple appeared on his right and his eyes squinted. ‘Cute’ I thought as we danced. I felt someone rubbing against behind me and when I turned, Carly was laughing at my shocked face. I laughed back and scooted up to Carly as Sean danced with her and I danced with Laurence.

“This is exactly what I needed, Evie. Thank you!” She yelled, running her hands through Sean’s sandy hair as he wrapped his arms around her from behind.

“For what?” I yelled, wrapping my arms around Laurence as lour bodies danced to the music.

“Being my best friend, being there for me!” She yelled. I winked and we danced the night away.


_________________
Ice, Ice, Melt your heart.
Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Oliv. I promise to review this later, k?

-Kat

_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okeydokes Kat!(:
...>:/ You're like the 9328490328409238 person to call me that.
hahaha
GET ON MSN. Wait, let me see if you're on - I'm not even on yet.
hahahaha.
wow.
okay

_________________
Ice, Ice, Melt your heart.
Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough.
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day tripper   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
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Posts: 240
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Country: A loud girl who likes quiet places.
150 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No... you're not on. Haha. Okay so when you read this - get on MSN:D

_________________
Ice, Ice, Melt your heart.
Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, that took forever, but I am glad that I did it. I have just completed all 13 chapters of your story.

It was really good and I like it a lot. The characters and situations that they get themselves into seem extremely real which is refreshing after you read fantasy all day.
Anyway I like it a lot. Your MC is awesome and I love that she does a lot of what she wants while still being real.

I know how it can be with all the school stuff happening, I am also on my school field hockey team, newspaper, and honor student. So I applaud you for finding time to write this great story. I can't wait to find out what happens! Good luck and happy writing!

_________________
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aw thank you!

And yeah - school is a hassle, especially when you're evolved in so much.
Thanks for understanding! haha

_________________
Ice, Ice, Melt your heart.
Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I STILL LOVE UR STORY!! Post the next chapt. please!

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Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 2:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hha that's what I'm planning on doing(;

_________________
Ice, Ice, Melt your heart.
Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough.
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alwaysawriter   View This User's Portfolio
is back to writing and critiquing.
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342 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Olivia. I got this done a few days ago between homeroom and first period (mainly first period) but I forgot about it. *Apologizes*

Quote:
She didn’t want to be pushing anymore.
pushing

Quote:
“I forgot to say how good your hair looked, but wow now the snake bites too!”
wow Just nitpickiness; I felt it was too much for the sentence with the exclaimation mark there.

Quote:
“Carly, I needed to talk to you.
needed

Quote:
“Um, actually if it’s okay with you Brad, we can go now.”
Comma after you because there should be a pause there.

Quote:
I asked as I pulled out a medium black shirt that had neon spray paint colors on it everywhere.
medium black shirt that had neon spray paint colors on it everywhere. It doesn't really matter to readers what she pulls out; it isn't relevent to the story.

Quote:
“How about we shop some more and go when it’s dark out.
Question mark instead of a period because she's asking a question.

Quote:
Sandy hair that brushed its way around his chiseled face, dark blue eyes that creased at the ends, and a tan line from the sea shelled necklace around his neck.
Blonde haired, blue eyed... For the corrections. Otherwise, I'd just leave this out. As the reader, to me, he's just any old dude and I don't really care as to what he looks like.

Quote:
Obviously, he was twenty-one or older which is usually right up Carly’s ally.
People have fake IDs.

Quote:
‘Cute’ I thought as we danced.
Put Cute in italics because she's thinking it.

Quote:
“Being my best friend, being there for me!”
Try this instead "Being my best friend and for being there for me!"

Overall, I liked it. It was just the girls hanging out, which was nice. I also like how they both meet new guys; I'm interested to see how that turns out. Smile

PM me for anything at all, as always.

-alwaysawriter

_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I walked through the lobby when I saw Brad and Carly walking towards me, hands locked.

I think this sentence would flow better if you changed the beginning to something more like "I was walking through the lobby when..." or something like that. In it's present state, it doesn't really work.

Quote:
Last time I hear from Carly she didn’t want to be with Brad.

hear should be heard.

Quote:
She didn’t want to be pushing anymore.

I didn't really get this line...did you mean she didn't want to be pushed anymore, or she herself didn't want to push him?

Quote:
Does that even make sense?

I think you should take this out and change it somehow. At first I thought you yourself were asking the question, but then when I realized that it was part of the story it was like "Oh." It would probably be better if you used some kind of description to show the narrators confusion to her own situation, as opposed to just saying it.

Quote:
where will we our flip flops?”

There's a missing word here. You know what it is.

Quote:
“Well, we’re a few feet in front of the hotel, we could hide them under a bench or something.” She stated.

Comma between dialogue and the tag. Remember a few chapters ago when I explained the way puntuation in dialogue works? Well, the same thing goes here.

Quote:
look great with her tone color.

Instead of 'tone color', I think you meant to say 'skin tone', or 'skin color'. Both of which make more sense than tone color, which could really mean about anything.

Quote:
he’s been apart of me for so long

There's a difference between the word apart, and the words a part of. You meant the latter one.

Quote:
We went into the rooms next to each other as we tried on the dress.

Here you have plural and singular in one sentence, which in itself doesn't flow as well as it could. It should be something more like "We went into rooms next to each other to try on our dresses."

Quote:
I think I over reacted though

Overreacted is one word.
_________________________
Another good chapter, altough you're beginning to make more little mistakes. Just a simple read-over would make it that much better.

I feel like I'm still waiting for something though. A while ago you set the reader up for a climax that hasn't seemed to come yet. Hopefully it's coming soon Very Happy

Keep up the good work!
-JC

_________________
I think that a certain amount of happiness is worth the trouble, and I know that nothing worth having comes easy. -JC

[Formerly known as JCobsesed]
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