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This thread was created on September 1, 2008

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The Mansion Chapter 2

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Lord Anzius
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 3:28 pm Post subject: The Mansion Chapter 2

Who Is Miko “Mike” Polar? We rolled through the piles of garbage and hit the table. There was scratching, biting hitting, kicking and ripping. Both of us were shouting out so bad curses that even a sailor would have fainted! The fight continued for several minutes. After the fight I was on the little creature holding its hand on its back pushing it up so that the creature could not move. “I give up! I give up!” the creature shouted. “Why did you steal my cake?!” I shouted out in anger. “I was hungry!” the creature shouted back. “And who or what in the hell are you!?” I asked while loosening my grip “A gnome!” It shouted back I let off in astonishment and fell backwards. “A GNOME!!?” I shouted out “Yeas that’s what I said you idiot!” it said “BU-BUT that’s impossible!” I mumbled out “Is it?!” the gnome had now gotten out of my grip and was fazing me in the eyes. “Hell yes!” I shouted “Oh! Really. So I’m only your imagination?” it said “So all my memories would be just your dream! Is that `it´!” its voice jumped up I fell into silence, and looked away in shame. “You see?” it said I lifted my head and looked at it, still unable tell my brain to believe what my heart understood. “OK! Now that we got that sorted out…” it said “My name is Miko Polar from Santa’s house in Lapland.” Miko said changing his tone of voice into a slightly more friendly. He bowed at me “Hello Miko…” I started “Call me Mike… Or Mike Polar with in friends.” Mike said “Well hello Mike…” I corrected myself “So you’re a gnome from where again?” I asked “Lapland. Where Santa lives” He said “I thought that Santa lived in North Pole.” I said “No he does not. I do not understand why people believe in that. The only things that lives there are penguins” “Oh! Ok,” I said a bit dazzled The gnome stood up looking at me. He had a white beard and a small gnome hat on his head. “I didn’t know that there were gnomes.” I said while I was getting up. He (or it) looked at me with a cold gaze which made me shut my mouth. “I always thought that you were called elves.” I said quickly He turned his gaze away from my books and turned at me “Elves are a race of its own, you know.” He snapped I stayed quiet for a while. We both were quiet for a long while. After a while I broke the silence and asked: “Would you want some tea?” “No. But I could take some coffee.” He answered “So, Mike, was it?” I said while we were drinking our coffees “Yes?” The gnome said rising its eyes from its cup “You said that you were from ST. Nicks home, yes?” I asked “Yes that’s true.” He said now appearing a bit interested “Why are you here?” I asked suddenly. That remark could have been an arrow, because after I had said it his eyes went blank and he fell quiet. “Well?” I continued “I was kicked out. I won’t say why.” He said. “After they kicked me out I started as a traveling gnome.” He went on. “In a few years I found a place and started living there… until I was kicked out of there as well. Now a week ago I found this place.” He said “Ah. Alright then.” I said “You would not mind if I went to sleep now, now would you?” I asked as I sat up from my chair. “No. I will go an’ sleep soon myself.” Said the gnome “OK. Good night!” I said while going up the stairs to my room. “Good night!” He shouted back as I swam into my bed
_________________ Boredom is a death sentence. That is why I try to be crazy. Crazy people aren't bored. I wish I were more crazy. Last edited by Lord Anzius on Sun Nov 30, 2008 4:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

bisquit
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject:

wow. i really enjoyed reading this and made me smile many times/ i picked up on a few things that need editing... in the first bit you say... 'out so bad curses that even a sailor would have fainted' i think you mean... 'out such bad curses that even a sailor would have fainted' such instead of so. also, further down somwehre i think u said witch instead of which. Sometimes you repeat words frequently in sections, just make sure there isnt loads of word repetition unless for effect. good work, a very well structured and amusing piece. hope i have helped

Lord Anzius
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482 Points

Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:13 am Post subject:

yes you have. Thx
_________________ Boredom is a death sentence. That is why I try to be crazy. Crazy people aren't bored. I wish I were more crazy.

Fellow
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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:57 am Post subject: Review

*giggle* Funny. Made me smile...

Again a little problem with the descriptions - I don't have a picture of that gnome made in my head.
The dialogue- again the problem of repeating " I " and " he "
- again the empty dialogue that dosen't put us in the room.

Quote:

“Elves are a race of its own, you know. Those pointy eared blokes ... ” He snapped

- You continue a little bit.

Quote:

“Good night!” He shouted back as I swam into my bed thinking again if I still got all the nuts and bolts at the right place in my head.

That`s all that i got to say here. Chapter 3 now ... Smile

_________________
Life is a song. You just need to know how to sing it.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35881.html - Need reviews? Click!

Lord Anzius
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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 12:58 pm Post subject:

THX
_________________ Boredom is a death sentence. That is why I try to be crazy. Crazy people aren't bored. I wish I were more crazy.

Reuben A
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 1:32 pm Post subject:

I enjoy this story very much so far. There is scarcely anything I think you should change. For one, 'He (or it) looked at me with a cold gaze witch made me shut my mouth' Shouldn't it be which, and not witch? '“No. But I could take some coffee.” He answered “So Mike, was it?” I said while we were drinking our coffees' I think there should be a space in between those two lines, because they are happening at two different times. But I really like it.
_________________ Don't juge a book by it's cover. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37432.html

Meep(:
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Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject:

HAHAHAHAHA. Thanks for giving me a stomache. Too. Much. Laughter. Cannot. Breathe. Face turns a strange shade of blue I think everyone's pointed out the mistakes. AWESOME.
_________________ True friends are difficult to find, hard to keep and impossible to forget. Make new friends but keep the old; One is silver but the other is gold.

Lord Anzius
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482 Points

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject:

THX. =)
_________________ Boredom is a death sentence. That is why I try to be crazy. Crazy people aren't bored. I wish I were more crazy.

Lost_in_dreamland
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Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject:

We rolled through the piles of garbage and hit the table. There was scratching, biting hitting, kicking and ripping. Both of us were shouting out so bad curses that even a sailor would have fainted! The fight continued for several minutes. After the fight I was on the little creature holding its hand on it’s no need for an apostrophe here as it's a possessive back pushing it up so that the creature could not move. “I give up! I give up!” the creature shouted. “Why did you steal my cake?!” I shouted out in anger. “I was hungry!” the creature shouted back. “And who or what inI'm not sure whether you've made a typo here or it's the way the character talks, what in the hell, that could be the way the character talks or you could've accidentally put the 'the' in. the hell are you!?” I asked while loosening my grip “A gnome!” It shouted back I let off in astonishment and fell backwards. “A GNOME!!?” I shouted out “Yeas that’s what I said u idiot!” it said You not u “BU-BUT that’s impossible!” I mumbled out “Is it?!” the gnome had now gotten out of my grip and was fazing me in the eyes. “Hell yes!” I shouted “Oh! Really. So I’m only your imagination?” it said “So all my memories would be just your dream! Is that `it´!” its voice jumped up I fell into silence, and looked away in shame. “You see?” it said I lifted my head and looked at it, still unable tell my brain to belief Believe not belief what my heart understood. I like that idea of the brain not believing but the heart “OK! Now that we got that sorted out…” it said “My name is Miko Polar from Santa’s house in Lapland.” Miko said changing his tone of voice into a slightly humble.That doesn't make sense, the last bit. He bowed at meFull stop “Hello Miko…” I started “Call me Mike… Or Mike Polar with in friends.” Mike said “Well hello Mike…” I corrected myself “So you’re a gnome from where again?” I asked “Lapland. Where Santa lives” He said “I thought that Santa lived in North Pole.” I said “No he does not. I do not understand why people beliefBelieve not belief in that. The only things that lives there are penguins” “Oh! OK!”Does he start shouting? If not then it should be Ok not OK! I said a bit dazzled The gnome stood up looking at me. He had a white beard and a small gnome hat on his head. “I didn’t know that there were gnomes.” I said while I was getting up. He (or it) looked at me with a cold gaze witch Which not witch made me shut my mouth. “I always thought that you were called elves.” I said quickly He turned his gaze away from my books and turned at me “Elves are a race of its own, you know.” He snapped Hahah this made me laugh I stayed quiet for a while. We both were quiet for a long while. After a while I broke the silence and asked: “Would you want some tea?” “No. But I could take some coffee.” He answered “Socomma here Mike, was it?” I said while we were drinking our coffees “Yes?” The gnome said rising it’s no apostrophe for possessive eyes from it’s Again no apostrophe cup “You said that you were from ST. Nicks home, yes?” I asked “Yes that’s true.” He said now appearing a bit interested “Why are you here?” I asked suddenly. That remark could have been an arrow, because after I had said it his eyes went blank and he fell quiet. Good description “Well?” I continued “I was kicked out. I won’t say why.” He said. “After they kicked me out I started as a traveling gnome.” He went on. “In a few years I woundDo you mean found? a place and started living there… until I was kicked out of there as well. Now a week ago I found this place.” He said “Ah. Alright then.” I said “You would not mind if I went to sleep now, now would you?” Isn't this quite a random time to go to sleep? If I found a gnome in my house I don't think I'd go to sleep yet I asked as I sat up from my chair. “No. I will go an’ sleep soon myself.” Said the gnome “OK. Good night!” I said while going up the stairs to my room. “Good night!” He shouted back as I swam into my bed Good choice of word here, swam instead of crawled etc. Ok, I liked this chapter. A little editing is needed however, but I'm sure you already know that I couldn't stop laughing, it was really funny I like the idea of a gnome also, and how humans can interpret things completely wrong. -Kirsten xx
_________________ No coward soul is mine No trembler in the worlds storm-troubled sphere: I see Heavens glories shine, And faith shines equal, arming me from fear - Emily Bronte

CastlesInTheSky
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Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:55 pm Post subject: Re: The Mansion Chapter 2

Here as requested. Very Happy

Quote:

There was scratching, biting hitting, kicking and ripping.

You need to insert a comma after 'biting' . Furthermore, this is a badly constructed sentence. You've basically given us a list of verbs and said - here's your description. You need to elaborate on the actions, the expressions, the dialogues, the characters. Furthermore, I'm really confused as to how this links to the previous piece.

Quote:

Both of us were shouting out so bad curses that even a sailor would have fainted!

Gramatically incorrect. This should have been, "Both of us were cursing so badly that even a sailor would have fainted."
Avoid the use of exclamation marks unless they're in dialogue. It makes the writer seem insane.

Quote:

After the fight I was on the little creature holding its hand on its back pushing it up so that the creature could not move.

Again, badly constructued. This should have been, "After the fight I was straddling the little creature, holding its hand on its back, pushing it up so that movement was futile."

Quote:

“Why did you steal my cake?!” I shouted out in anger.

Using the exclamation mark and the question mark stops the reader from taking you seriously.

Quote:

“And who or what in the hell are you!?” I asked while loosening my grip

Comma after 'while'.

Quote:

“A gnome!” It shouted back

'It' should not be capitalised and there should be a fullstop.

Quote:

I let off in astonishment and fell backwards.

I think you mean, "I let go."

Quote:

“A GNOME!!?” I shouted out

This needs a fullstop. And using multiple exclamation marks and question marks, as well as Caps Locks, just makes you seem immature or insane.

Quote:

“Yeas that’s what I said you idiot!” it said

You need a fullstop. And a comma after 'what'. And I believe the spelling of 'yes' does not comprise of an 'a' mid-word.

Quote:

“BU-BUT that’s impossible!” I mumbled out

Get rid of the Caps Lock. If somebody is mumbling, it means you are talking softly. Not to mention you can't 'mumble out'. I would change it to 'exclaim'. And again, you need a fullstop at the end of a sentence. *sighs*

Quote:

“Is it?!” the gnome had now gotten out of my grip and was fazing me in the eyes.

You mean 'facing' not 'fazing.' And refrain from using exclamation marks and question marks together.

Quote:

“Hell yes!” I shouted

This exclamation seems to be completely out of context and historically innacurate. And again, You need a fullstop at the end of sentences.

Quote:

“Oh! Really. So I’m only your imagination?” it said

FULLSTOP. At the end. And I think you mean 'So I'm only a figment of your imagination'

Quote:

“So all my memories would be just your dream! Is that `it´!” its voice jumped up

Full stop after 'up'. I'm going to keep reminding you till you listen. Wink

Quote:

“You see?” it said

Fullstop.

Quote:

“OK! Now that we got that sorted out…” it said

Full stop. And OK is innapropriate.

Quote:

“My name is Miko Polar from Santa’s house in Lapland.” Miko said changing his tone of voice into a slightly more friendly. He bowed at me

Um. Okay.

Comma after 'said'. Also, there shouldn't be a fullstop after 'Lapland' but a comma'. And you need 'tone' or 'voice' after 'friendly'. And you can't bow at someone. You can bow to them. And once again. You need a fullstop.

Quote:

“Hello Miko…” I started

Fullstop.

Quote:

“Call me Mike… Or Mike Polar with in friends.” Mike said

Fullstop. And you mean, "Or Mike Polar, when I'm with friends,' or something like that.

Quote:

“Well hello Mike…” I corrected myself

Fullstop.

Quote:

“So you’re a gnome from where again?” I asked

Fullstop.

Quote:

“Lapland. Where Santa lives” He said

There should be a comma after 'lives', "he" shouldn't be in capitals, and once again, Anzius, you need a fullstop.

Quote:

“I thought that Santa lived in North Pole.” I said

You need a 'the' before 'North.' And you need a fullstop.

Quote:

“No he does not. I do not understand why people believe in that. The only things that lives there are penguins”

'Live' and not 'lives'. Fullstop. Twisted Evil

Quote:

“Oh! Ok,” I said a bit dazzled

Dazzled? I think you mean 'dazed'. And you need a comma after 'said'. And a fullstop.

Quote:

The gnome stood up looking at me. He had a white beard and a small gnome hat on his head.

Comma after 'up'. And you can't just say 'a gnome hat'. You need to explain what it looks like.

Quote:

“I didn’t know that there were gnomes.” I said while I was getting up.

There should be a comma after 'gnomes' and not a fullstop.

Quote:

He (or it) looked at me with a cold gaze which made me shut my mouth.

Don't use brackets.

Quote:

“I always thought that you were called elves.” I said quickly

You need a hyphon in between 'called' and 'elves.'

Quote:

He turned his gaze away from my books and turned at me

Fullstop. And nix the repetition of 'turned'.

Quote:

“Elves are a race of its own, you know.” He snapped

'their' and not 'its'.

Quote:

“No. But I could take some coffee.” He answered
“So, Mike, was it?” I said while we were drinking our coffees
“Yes?” The gnome said rising its eyes from its cup
“You said that you were from ST. Nicks home, yes?” I asked
“Yes that’s true.” He said now appearing a bit interested

You need a comma after all these sentences. You need a comma after 'the gnome said.'

Quote:

“Well?” I continued

Comma.

Quote:

“I was kicked out. I won’t say why.” He said. “After they kicked me out I started as a traveling gnome.” He went on.

The first 'he' shouldn't be capitalised.

HUH?

That was the main impression I got from this chapter. In the first one, there was nice description and a slightly dubious plot in which a boy lost his cake.
But here, a gnome from Lapland appears out of nowhere and then the main character, after fighting with him, invites him to have coffee.

I'm going to be honest with you: I didn't like this chapter.

Storyline

It's verging on the ridiculous, Lord Anzius. I can't imagine why you suddenly got rid of a story with potential - good potential Very Happy

- and introduced this whole plotline about...a gnome. The dialogue was unrealistic. The main character wouldn't randomly ask whether he wanted coffee, and then let him stay for the night.

Characterisation

Also, we don't know anything about your character? He speaks immaturely but seems old enough to be living in this house by his own, apparently doing nothing. Why does he live there? Does he have realatives? what are his connections with the other protagonists? Who are his enemies? His likes, dislikes, fears. We haven't seen him develop at all.

Steps to writing a story

It's early days, but you seem to be lacking in this area, so I'll show you:

The story arch - plan when to throw bumps and hurdles in your character's path.

Beginning - introduce the problem. What does your character want...or not want? What is in her way? What troubles him? (Examples: divorce, being the new kid at school, making the grade, a place in life). Or start out with something that brings the reader 'into' the book: something that makes the reader read further.

Middle - add bumps along the way that make the character rise to the challenge. (Examples: selling their house, finding a place to sit at lunch, pop quiz, getting fired, bad love break). Keep bringing on the action.

The biggest hurdle - this is the moment of the greatest conflict. it is the point in the story when your character has to deal with or overcome the big problem that you set up at the beginning or middle of the story. (Examples: dad gets remarried, new friends ditches you, big test, someone important to you dies)

End - the conflict is solved. Your character either gets what s/he wants or doesn't. Whatever the case is, your character has changed or learned. (Examples: two families are better than one, a true friend forever, A on a test, illusions shattered)

EDIT, Edit, Edit.

I had to tell you about the fullstop rule on nearly every single sentence with dialogue, which is slightly worrying. You are meant to edit your work for mistakes like this before posting so that critiquers can focus on the more important things, such as plotline. Smile

Check punctuation, spelling, grammar, and sentence sense, of course--but don't ignore the big questions. Are your character's actions and responses plausible? Have you taken a short cut on the plot, making it mundane or superficial?

Tags
Minimize those little dialog tags: 'Andrew said' or 'Molly whispered.' Without them, how could you tell who was talking?--by giving each character a unique voice. Employ slurred words, an accent, an authoritative tone, a submissive tone, or very clipped speech.

That's pretty much all, Anzius. I'm sorry for the harsh review. Tell me if I'm getting too carried away.

Good luck.

Sarah

x

_________________
Dreams are the eraser dust I blow off my page.
They fade into the emptiness, another dark gray day.
Dreams are only memories of the life I had back then.
Dreams are eraser dust and now I use a pen.

This thread was created on September 1, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction	All times are GMT
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