Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Your Lips On Mine
Your Lips On Mine

by emma.b in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 1, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


World Below: The discovery

Topic ID: 35403
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
wizkid515   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

7
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 12
Joined: 08 Jul 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 7
Country: New Zealand
137 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:35 am    Post subject: World Below: The discovery Reply with quote

Quote:
Hey people

this is my first book I'm actually going to stick to (i think Very Happy)

i would love if you would be nice in your reviews

by the way i need help deciding what's going to happen so add that in your review

Chapter one: Finding the Stairs

Sweat poured down James Herwing’s face as he made his way through the forest. “He went this way” said a deep voice not far behind him, a small amount of sunlight filtered through the high branches as the sun reached the middle of the sky.

The sound of a stream came from James’s left he knew the city guards would look for him there first so he veered his bike to the right. The trees this side of the path grew much closer together and James found it hard to ride in any straight direction. Half an hour later James emerged from the forest and found himself standing on the edge of a massive canyon. “Damn” James said frowning; he turned around and sat down under one of the trees. James looked out over the canyon; birds flew across his field of vision as he admired the size of it. Fifteen minutes later James was woken from his day dream by the sound of approaching footsteps, James quickly jumped up and hid behind the tree he had been sitting under.

A man wearing midnight blue robes and carrying a staff with a blood red orb balanced on top, walked out of the trees and stood on the edge of the canyon. He looked over each shoulder and tapped a small rock on thee edge of the canyon, James wondered why somebody would dress like that. Without warning a deep rumbling came from deep within the cliff face, slowly stone steps began to slide out of the rock face. As the man began to descend James decide to follow him, he crept out from behind the tree and saw the steps begin to slowly slide back into the rock as the man went. As quietly as he could James quickly walked down the stairs after the man.

They man continued to walk down the stairs for ten minutes, James had began to get cold as the reached the bottom of the canyon. The man took out a candle and started walking down a short flight of stairs that descended into a tunnel in the rock face. James saw the man go in and quietly walked to catch up with the light. The tunnel walls towered either side of James as the man walked purposefully down the stairs with deep strides. A golden glow appeared as the stairs swerved left to revel the end of the tunnel.

James knew he couldn't’t go out there in the light so he hung back until the man had disappeared into the room on the other side. He quickly walked forward and peeked around the edge of the door to see yet another tunnel with two huge golden doors at the end. The man stopped at a huge gold desk and sat in the high back chair at the end. “Well, come forward” the man said in a voice the echoed all around the tunnel, before he could stop himself James stepped into the light and began to approach the desk.

To Jame's surprise the man smiled as he said “So you have found your way to the land of Nagroel”. James said nothing but stared at the old man with a confused expression, “Sit down and I will explain” the man said. James sat down on the small gold stool and looked up at the man with questioning expression. The man began to tell the tale of Nagroel…

“For hundreds of years the people of earth have lived without the knowledge that they were connected to another world, there are only three main entrances, one in New Zealand, one in Egypt and the other here in Britain. Of course there are small portals all over the world in disguise such as mirrors and springs. The reason our people hide is because we are a Magak, or magic as you say it, using world.”

Jame's face turned into a look of disbelief, “If you don’t believe me go home” the man said angrily. “I do believe you, it’s just… Magak” James said speaking for the first time. The man’s gaze softened, He lifted his hand and murmured something James couldn't’t hear, the room turned dark as small glowing orbs of coloured light appeared and floated around the room. The balls of light popped into a shower of golden sparks as light was returned to the room. Jame's mouth fell open in surprise. “Now you have two choices” Said the man as he took out a small yellow envelope “Number one take this envelope and go through the doors behind me or Number two go back to your world and forget everything you ever saw”. James knew he could never go back to the city so he held out his hand for the envelope. “Good choice” the man said passing over the envelope, “Before I open this what is your name?” James asked. “I always forget to tell people my name, Adion” he said chuckling. James peeled off the wax seal and took out three pieces over paper yellow with age, the first one said

Dear Mr. Herwing

Welcome to the land of Nagroel. We are the Academy of Magak, as you are young we would like to offer you a place here at A.M. Of course we would offer you a scholarship to pay for all your equipment and studies, but if you wish to buy anything else in the vast shopping district you would have to apply for a job. You will be expected in the chamber through the gold doors as soon as you have finished have finished with Adion

Yours kindly

The Academy Of Magak

James set down the letter took out a very long list written in the same scrawly writing

You’re Equipment List

1 Iron/Silver Cauldron

1 Ritual Dagger

1 Book pack

Parchment and Assorted Pens

4 Black Ritual Candles

1 Orb Organiser

3 Sets of Official A.M Uniform

2 Cloaks with A.M Fastening Clip

4 Sets of Causal Clothes

1 Set of Formal Robes

1 Staff with Orb

1 Beginner Magic Carpet

1 Periscopic Satchel

Any pets may be kept in your rooms or the outdoor animal sanctuary (will be brought by school).

You will receive all necessary school issue items upon your arrival

James placed this on top of his letter and pulled out a small card on it was

A.M Scholarship Student

Name: James Herwing

Age: 12

Height: 5.3

Weight: 34 kg

Notes:

Give accesses to all school areas and shops.

NEW student!

This counts as a late pass

James put down the card and looked at Adion, “Are you ready to go through” Adion said with a smile. James gave a sharp nod and stood up; Adion got up and walked over to the doors. Placing his palm against the doors he muttered an incantation and the doors began to swing inwards. James looked out into a giant circular chamber; in the middle of the room was a semi-circle desk with clerks talking to other children that had come through like James. 3 other doors stood around the room, James asked

Adion why there was three because he had said there were only three passages to the other world and they were using the first one. “The fourth one connects all the lose passages like mirrors and pools” he answered as a lady wearing blood red robes and a gold belt came up to the pair. “You must be James” she said, James nodded and turned around to say goodbye to Adion but he had already walked back through the doors.

“Come on we’ll go get your school stuff, oh by the way my names Jane” she said lading him over to the desk. “Pass” the clerk barked and James handed over the plastic two- sided pass. The clerk tapped it with his finger, passed it back to James and said “Next”. Jane led James to small door standing upright on its own; she unclipped a small gold key and placed it in the keyhole in the centre of the door, she grabbed James sleeve and they disappeared.


_________________
I am the best master the world has ever seen . Live with it :thud:
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
~nariel~   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 113
Reviews: 80
Country: In Your Mind
214 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello!

I haven't been on here in a while so please forgive me if my critique is choppy.

First, your beginning was pretty good. It souned like you were writing a modern fantasy story and I like modern fantasy.

Quote:
Half an hour later James emerged from the forest and found himself standing on the edge of a massive canyon.


I didn't really like this part. Instead of saying "half an hour later", maybe you could say he struggled for what seemed like forever, because you didn't mention that your character was wearing a watch, so how would he know that he got out of the forest in half an hour?

Quote:
man wearing midnight blue robes and carrying a staff with a blood red orb balanced on top, walked out of the trees and stood on the edge of the canyon.


This is just a generic description of a wizard. It's been done already. What can you do to make this character more unique? Make him your own. You don't have to follow the generic description of a wizard. Make him different. Instead of robes, maybe you could change his outfit into something modern like an all black rocker outfit. Smile Just an idea.

Quote:
Fifteen minutes later James was woken from his day dream by the sound of approaching footsteps, James quickly jumped up and hid behind the tree he had been sitting under.


Again, how does he know it's been 15 minutes. Plus, I didn't know he was daydreaming, you should make that clearer.

Quote:
“Number one take this envelope and go through the doors behind me or Number two go back to your world and forget everything you ever saw”.


This reminds me a little too much of the Matrix (Take the blue pill and continue into our world or take the red pill and wake up and forget this ever happened.)

Quote:
Dear Mr. Herwing
Welcome to the land of Nagroel. We are the Academy of Magak, as you are young we would like to offer you a place here at A.M. Of course we would offer you a scholarship to pay for all your equipment and studies, but if you wish to buy anything else in the vast shopping district you would have to apply for a job. You will be expected in the chamber through the gold doors as soon as you have finished have finished with Adion
Yours kindly
The Academy Of Magak

James set down the letter took out a very long list written in the same scrawly writing

You’re Equipment List
1 Iron/Silver Cauldron
1 Ritual Dagger
1 Book pack
Parchment and Assorted Pens
4 Black Ritual Candles
1 Orb Organiser
3 Sets of Official A.M Uniform
2 Cloaks with A.M Fastening Clip
4 Sets of Causal Clothes
1 Set of Formal Robes
1 Staff with Orb
1 Beginner Magic Carpet
1 Periscopic Satchel
Any pets may be kept in your rooms or the outdoor animal sanctuary (will be brought by school).

You will receive all necessary school issue items upon your arrival

James placed this on top of his letter and pulled out a small card on it was

A.M Scholarship Student
Name: James Herwing
Age: 12
Height: 5.3
Weight: 34 kg
Notes:
Give accesses to all school areas and shops.
NEW student!
This counts as a late pass


This is too much like Harry Potter for me. The magic school, the school list, it just screams Harry Potter.

The only main problem you have is originality. None of this is really original. I liked your beginning, but then it lapsed into the same old same old. Work on making this piece yours entirely.

On the plus side, you had excelent spelling and grammar as far as I saw and your descriptions are lovely. I hope I was nice enough.

~N~

P.S:

You asked for ideas on where to go with this. I think that your magical world should be under some sort of attack and close to being destroyed. It should be up to your mian character to save them. I'm not good with plots, but that was just an idea.

_________________
So there's this guy at my school...He's SO Edwardian.

Check it out - - -

http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html?view=1677952#t1677952
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Koi   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 31 Aug 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 4
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent beginning but after the first few paragraphs I was starting to wonder when you were going to stop using the main characters name. Sorry if I'm sounding rude, but the repetition started to really get to me and if I wasn't a stubborn person I would have giving up Embarassed

But critiques are here to help writers get better, so I hope you'll take this to heart.

Also the whole magic school thing made me automatically think HP which is probably a big no-no since that's copyright infringement [I believe?]

Anyway, ending this, you asked for help deciding what should happen next. I have a few ideas but I'd need to ask a few questions first so if you want to know, please PM me Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

32
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Aug 2008
Posts: 194
Reviews: 32
Country: South Africa
123 Points

PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wizkid515

I think that, firstly, I don't really know anything of James, if you could just tell us a bit more about him. Secondly, something that I always do, is to start a story too quickly, and I think that this is also what you have done. Otherwise, you write brilliantly, and you have a great story idea.

_________________
Don't juge a book by it's cover.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37432.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 1, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 1, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own. - Chinese proverb
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society