Topic ID: 35396
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happybear
Junior Writer
Age: 14
Joined: 21 Apr 2008
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300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: A love I always had |
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To those it may concern:
This is a religious poem please don’t let that be your basis for your critique
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A Love I Always Had
Me
My eyes cry for love
All I want is to be loved
My heart pounds, my hands shake
Here is my love!
My heart should fly
My mind can only think of him
My heart now only beats for him
My feet no longer trod the earth,
But float on airy clouds
My eyes no longer cry; I've found my love
So True! So deep!
But it was all a lie! As he leaves me now I see!
I cry "Oh why does this world torment me!"
My heart has stopped it's joyful beating
My minds is swirling; I am pleading
Through this confusion misery and hate
The earth is sharp on my side I lay bleeding
Were I have fallen.
Now like a river tears flow
From my tired and sad eyes
Life can't be good again.
There is no way.
There is no hope
Oh how foolish to wish for love!
To take it and run... when it comes
Oh but leaves! It is gone!
I am lost and more lonely then before
He was the only one that cared!
But Alas! What arms are these?
Who could it be that is holding me tight?
Whose tears are these?
Has some one come to cry with me?
I look now with dry and open eyes and see
The person that was always there for me
Why did I ever cry for love?
I could not see the toil it would cause
I didn’t know the pain that I would feel
Here though at the end I find
What I always had
God is there for me |
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bisquit
Senior Writer
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Posts: 107
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:52 pm Post subject: |
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Firstly, Well done. THis was a really interesting poem to read and captured a lot of emotion 
i picked out a few things that may help...
Firstly, in the section where it says...
'Through this confusion misery and hate
The earth is sharp on my side I lay bleeding
Were I have fallen.'
I'm not sure if the last line works. I felt like it disrupted the flow a bit. It might be an idea to adapt it a bit but its not a major flaw or anything.
Also, I think that sometimes punctuation could be paid closer attention to. Sometimes i think you need some more commas to break it down a bit and keep a steady rhythm.
I hope i have been of some help!
Keep up the good work cos this is a really good poem |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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500 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome poem about fate and God. I really feel that.
Hello! I'm Eimear.This poem is what I'd like to call 'in the process,' because I get the impression that it will be much ore rounded after a second or third draft. Very few of us get it right first time. And if we do- we'll we're just annoying.
A few things here to think about:
1. You need to work on the structure. Poems like this which have quite open language in the sense that it doesn't really become specific until the end need some type of structure to stop the reader from getting confused. It's a small thing really, and very easy to remedy. I would suggest losing the gap between the second and third lines. It will make it a lot easier to read.
2. Punctuation is also a problem. You need it. No other way around it. Dot all the full stops, uncapitalize the unnecessary capitals, and don't be afraid to go through this with a red pen. It definitely needs a full stop at the very final line, or else the poem wouldn't be finished.
3. Be careful about your use of verbs. This poem needs more description, more imagery for the theme to be conveyed in an effective way to the reader. Right now, it reads more like a list of the speaker's emotions that a poem- which is as much about the reader as the writer. My advice would be to read more poetry. Read a wide variety of styles until you find one that suits you. It will also help you learn the poetic devices and tricks you need. This poem tells us how the speaker feels instead of showing us.
Hope this helps!
PM me with any queries
Eimear |
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Evaeva
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 8:16 am Post subject: |
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yay!
I have had some criticism for using religion and references to god in some of my poems but im glad that other people do it too.
Also, I really like the actual poem! I
felt sad when it was the sad bit and then happy when it was happy.
You really managed to get the feelings across.
My favourite part was probably the second to last verse, I thought it was probably the one that flowed best.
I think it needs a bit more polishing, reading through and correcting but over all it was really enjoyable.
well done
Alice
xxx |
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Samantha Thiele
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:57 pm Post subject: |
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This poem has nice imagery, an it shouldn't matter whether it's religous or not. I for one tend to enjoy all potry no matter why it was written, or what it is written about.
First off, for this being a first poem thing......It's pretty well written, though I'm not so sure about your flow. It's almost stiff, you want your readers to see your poem how you would want it read. One little thing that tends to stand out is how many times you've used the word "My" It takes from the red if you know that the next line is going too start with "My" .
Don't get me wrong, this piece is well written in it's self it's just poetry is....Suppose to allow your thoughts to be heard wih as much detial as possible using only your words and the way you state them. Simply mix it up by finding words to replace my, or combining lines, that your poem will flow easier.
Combining lines in the right spot can be a little hard, but a little rewording never hurts. All you really have to do is make sure all your lines fit. Make sure the next line goes with the last, in catergory. Basicly like your telling a story, you seprate ideas into paragrahs. Well in poetry you seprate them into verses.
And lastly, not limit your creative, expand the words you use. Try and make them as colorful as the thought that encoraged you to write this.
All in all very nice work. |
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Love is a gift that god gives to those with open eyes, it is a prize too grand to give to only one man. It is in the unanswered prey in which you'll know he'll always care.
Let faith be with you..... |
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Mrs Elizabeth Darcy
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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| As always your spelling and punctuation were a little off, but the idea and story is beautiful. I didn't scrutinize it, but I love how you said some one was crying with you and holding you even in this! |
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Demeter
Goody-two-shoes
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, happybear!
I liked this very much. It has the usual "raw" feeling that shows it's your first poem, but it didn't really matter. This was way better than my first poem I love the passion about it, the theme is clearly important for you. You also use some nice imagery, which First Poems usually lack. So props for that.
| Quote: |
But it was all a lie! As he leaves me now I see!
I cry "Oh why does this world torment me!"
My heart has stopped it's joyful beating |
Since the whole poem is from your point of view, I think you could change the second line just to "Oh, why does this world torment me!". You know, not any "I cry"s. Also, the second sentence of the first line is a little too hard to understand. Do you mean, "As he leaves me, I see" or "As he leaves me now, I see" or "As he leaves me now, I see" or maybe something else? And on the third line, it should be "its joyful beating".
| Quote: |
| Now like a river tears flow |
This sounds a little off. Change it to "Like a river, tears flow now" or something else you feel comfortable with.
Overall, this gives hope to them who have lost it. I can feel the passion and the emotion, and with enough of those, I don't really care about the grammar. So great job, especially if this was your first one.
Good luck!
Demeter xxx |
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sudz_amigo
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Country: India
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 1:49 pm Post subject: Re: A love I always had |
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| happybear wrote: |
To those it may concern:
This is a religious poem please don’t let that be your basis for your critique
-------------------------------------------
I am lost and more lonely then before
He was the only one that cared!
But Alas! What arms are these?
Who could it be that is holding me tight?
Whose tears are these?
Has some one come to cry with me?
I look now with dry and open eyes and see
The person that was always there for me
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i felt that this is the most smooth,and touching verse of your whole poem.it gave meanign to the whole thing.
i liked how much feeling you put it into it!just follow the others' advice it was what i was goin to tell anyway!!improve the flow of the poem!!keep it up!! |
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\m/rock on\m/ |
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sudz_amigo
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 07 Sep 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 15
Country: India
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 1:51 pm Post subject: Re: A love I always had |
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| happybear wrote: |
To those it may concern:
This is a religious poem please don’t let that be your basis for your critique
-------------------------------------------
I am lost and more lonely then before
He was the only one that cared!
But Alas! What arms are these?
Who could it be that is holding me tight?
Whose tears are these?
Has some one come to cry with me?
I look now with dry and open eyes and see
The person that was always there for me
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i felt that this is the most smooth,and touching verse of your whole poem.it gave meanign to the whole thing.
i liked how much feeling you put it into it!just follow the others' advice it was what i was goin to tell anyway!!improve the flow of the poem!!keep it up!! |
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\m/rock on\m/ |
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