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Silvery Whispers - Part Two
Silvery Whispers - Part Two

by Inksplatter in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on August 31, 2008
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Mr. Perfect
Mr. Perfect, Chapter 2
Mr.Perfect, Chapter 4

Mr. Perfect, Chapter 3

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omsvmars22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 11:17 pm    Post subject: Mr. Perfect, Chapter 3 Reply with quote

Hey everyone, I know I just posted chapter 2 but I don't know how long my Internet was going to be up on this computer so I decided not to test it Confused

Harsh crits. are welcome...I hope you enjoy it, thanks again. Smile

-----------------

Amazing.

I thought as I sat through my last exam of ninth grade. Since when did the clock move quite so slowly? I closed my eyes and laid my head down on my arm as I waited for the bell to ring and declare my freedom for the next three months. I let my thoughts drift, they swirled around pearl pools and fluffy clouds; always centered in them was Leo. I felt my mouth twist in a smile.

“What are you smiling about? Its science.” I heard my friend Lydia whisper to me.

I let my eyelids squint open. Lydia looked sullen, with a pout clear in her posture and features. I suspected this had something to do with the fact that she would not be able to see her boyfriend for over a week. I sighed; I hoped she wouldn’t pout for the whole summer.

“There are lots of things to be happy about.” I told her, my voice hushed. Our over peppy science teacher choose this exact moment to walk by.

“Girls quiet!” She scolded us before she continued up and down the aisles of students all eagerly awaiting the final bell. Lydia didn’t speak again but she gave me a look that clearly questioned my sanity. I gave her a minute shrug as I closed my eyes again.

Finally the bell rang out over us, declaring the start of our well deserved summer. I was swept up in the rush down the hallways, all one thousand five hundred and sixty seven of Old Mill High students struggling to reach the bright sun. As I reached the exit I literally ran into Jordan.

“Sorry sweetie! So last day finally, hope summer is good.” I told her as we walked out into the blinding sunshine.

“Well James is coming, he won’t tell me when though!” Jordan whined.

I laughed. James was French and he usually came to America once a year, even though I had never met him Jordan talked about him so much I felt like I did. Jordan looked at me from the corner of her eye,

“People usually come with him…Leo might be coming.” Jordan said nonchalantly. My entire body responded. My feet stopped dead in their tracks, my blood turned to ice in my veins. I couldn’t feel my heart anymore; it had come to a standstill.

“Really?” My lips were numb.

Jordan nodded; she had been watching me carefully. She looked afraid I might faint; it was a good possibility.

“I got to go, the bus is going to leave without me.” I said without meeting her eyes. I ran away before she could call me on my lie.

The summer days sped by, I talked to Leo more and more. Jordan learned only to mention that James was coming; Leo was never mentioned by association.

It was Fourth of July before my life finally slowed down again. I sat on the hard ground next to Lydia as the fireworks exploded above us. They illuminated the night, casting odd shadows of all colors.

“Are you okay?” Lydia shouted to me over the most recent bang. I nodded automatically.

“Fine. Why?” I answered, my face turned upwards.

“You just seemed distracted lately…” She let her sentence trail off with her concentration. I kept my poker face; if she glanced at my expression I didn’t want the guilt to be evident. I had been distracted lately.

James had told me exactly when they were coming; they were coming tomorrow. My breathing sped up at the mere thought. I was going to go crazy, of that I was sure. How was I going to make it through the night? I might as well cut the pretenses and just camp out at the airport. My thoughts were brought down sharply by reality in the form of my cell phone.

“Sorry,” I mumbled to Lydia. I quickly got up to answer Jordan’s call.

“What’s up?” I asked, Jordan was silent. I was instantly worried.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?” My voice escaped in a rush.

“Yeah…” She said her voice hesitant. I waited in pressing silence. I gave an ironic laugh; we seemed to be playing the silent game.

“Jordan, please. You are killing me.” I said; my voice was so anxious that it ruined the sarcasm.

“Nothing is wrong exactly…well it would be easier to show you…” I was completely lost.

“Um, you want to clue me in here sweetie?” I asked my brow furrowing.

“Really, it would be easier to show you.” Jordan pressed. I sighed, when Jordan wanted something there was no saying ’no’. I skipped the arguing.

“Where are you?” I asked through my teeth, I would save the shouting for when I saw her.

“At the mall, Arundel. Oh, and make sure you look good, okay?” She hung up before I could answer.

“Lydia, I got to run, emergency.” I said without turning back. I could hear Lydia’s half formed complaints as I ran back to my house.

“Mom, can you drive me to Arundel Mall?” I called down the stairs where the TV hummed.

“Sure. Twenty minutes?” She shouted back to me.

“Great!” I shouted, already running to my room.

I looked in my full length mirror and felt hopeless.

Why did I need to look “good”? Jordan had seen me in underwear and no make-up; something was going on. In the back of my head I knew exactly what was happening; they had come early. The mere thought had me launching into a full blown panic attack. I threw my t-shirt and shorts on the floor, disgusted with them. I went through my closet and nothing looked good to me, I had to calm down. It might just be Jordan I lied to myself.

I bought the lie.

Giving up I pulled on a black band tee, mini skirt and converse that went to my knee. I hurried to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth again for good measure. I didn’t see the point with my face; I would look terrible no matter what. With a sigh I touched up my make-up until my mom called me. I repeated my lie in the car, it became a chant.

Just Jordan, no one else.

If only the words didn’t sound so false even in my own head. I answered my mom’s questions mechanically, if she noticed something was off she didn’t comment on it.

“Where are you?” I asked Jordan on my cell phone after I got out of the car. I made no attempt to hide the irritation in my voice.

“Come on, don’t be like that. Tell you what, meet in front of Starbucks, I’ll get you coffee.” Jordan’s voice pleading. I cursed under my breath, she knew my weakness.

“Okay.” I sighed. It took all my will power not to sprint through the mall. My eyes must have been wild, searching for the Starbucks that I had been to a million times before. If this was some stupid fashion emergency I was going to kill Jordan. Not that she had told me what was going on but she was implying on my last nerve.

I finally reached the Starbucks and sitting at an iron table, looking more like a Greek god then anyone had a right to, was Leo.


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It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea
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Bittersweet   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, this isn't going to be a huge review because I just reviewed your other chapter, but oh my gosh! I seriously wasn't expecting that. I mean, sort of, but not so soon. Amazing cliffhanger ending! I was like "Yay! Leo! In person!" And then I got a little sad. Razz

I think that you should play up the suspense a bit more though. I mean, I knew instantly as soon as Jordan called that Leo was coming early, so it ruined it a bit for me. Make it more of a mystery! Readers enjoy guessing what's going to happen next!

Holly

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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I'm not going to nitpick. Most of this was pretty good, considering the cliche of Leo's looks. The plotline is exciting, and certainly got me excited as she raced to the Starbucks. I mean, the only thing that I really didn't like was that last sentence there.

'I finally reached the Starbucks and sitting at an iron table, looking more like a Greek god then anyone had a right to, was Leo.'

It rung a warning bell in my head, and I rushed to your profile, searching 'favorite authors'. Yep, there she was, Steph Mey herself.

Now, we all agree that the woman isn't a very good writer. Yes, she has a very exciting series, yes, most everyone worships Edward, but that is just the thing. I think if I went through Twilight or New Moon, or maybe even Eclipse, I'd find that phrase, and if not verbatum, it would be incredibly close. Comparing guys with Greek gods is eye-scorching-ly corny. I've read at least three stories on here that did so, and I remember it vividly in one of Steph's books.

Just - throw that last part out. The premise is far from horrible, even if it could use a little work. But that last bit practically killed me. I don't like Mrs. Meyer, if only for the fact that she mangled the idea of vampires beyond repair.

But my point is, try to keep this away from that series. It may be fun to follow in her footsteps, but it won't please your readers. Try reading something other than HP and Twi, maybe some Jane Austen or G.K. Chesterton. It'll help you to steer away from boring cliches.

Best of luck; you've got talent! ^^

-SELA

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A very good story so far. It is a little boring at times but isn't everything? I mean no one is perfect although most people like to assume us writers must be from the lord himself or something.

I am looking forward to more, if you continue.

I truly do hope that it will not become too cliche. Only because those types of stories are just truly not normally reality. Sort of nerve racking for me I guess. Maybe since it is a true story it won't be, that might be easier for me to handle my little pet peeve. Wink

I hate to say this, since i am completely obsessed with Twilight myself -minus the overwhelming cliches she has-, but Sela Locke is right, i believe. I loved Steph May's books, but the 'Greek god' part is a nasty bit. If it could be removed or even, replaced? With another couple of words.

That would be great.

You are a good author though, well as far as my opinion goes and from what I have read so far.

Good luck. Always hope for the best.

-*Hopeless* Very Happy
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Why do people tell you to believe in what you want to,
but then tell you not to believe in the one true thing you do believe in? -unknown
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bittersweet: Thanks! I am glad you enjoyed it. Smile I will try to hype up the suspense a bit more and try not to make it too obvious what is coming. Thanks again for all the help! Surprised

Sela Locke: I am glad you enjoyed it! Smile Yes, I admit that my last line is amazingly cliche and a little too much on the Twilight side *hangs head in shame* Embarassed I will work on that and steer clear of all further temtations. One of my faveorites is in fact Jane Austin but I understand what you mean. Thanks again! You helped a lot! Very Happy

hopelesslove: Thanks! I will work on that and make sure it does not become too cliche. Wink Thanks again! Smile

You all are way too kind and I just want to say thanks again! Everything you tell me helps and I work on it! You all rock! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 6:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, my first question (to be asked in a very irritated tone) is... why on EARTH haven't you continued this? You're just getting to the good part!

While it's true that you did quote the Greek god line nearly verbatim, it wasn't that off-putting. Maybe you could say Norse goddes in male form instead. Razz Think outside the triangle! And unless Leo-god-dude ends up being a vampire whose skin sparkles, I really don't see any resemblance to Twilight in the plot itself. Certainly not the appearance, either - Edward wasn't blond.

What needed to be said has already been said by other critiquers. My true purpose here (besides complementing you on your favorite author - Jane Austen rocks the world) is to say GET POSTING! If you've written more, I'd really like to see it!

Yours ever,
MademoiselleKool Cool

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hii this isn't goin to be a big review. I don't know what mistakes to point out so I'll just tell you what I though.

It was good but not like your previous chapters. In the last two, I felt like I want to know what happens next. Here, I lost interest in reading maybe because it was too predictable. You tried to create kind of a suspense here but it didn't work that well.

Anyways it was good and this is just my opinion. You keep writing and Iam waiting for your next chapter, eagerly.
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I want the friction...
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, we finally get to meet Leo!!!! I hope he is the good guy he is made out to be cause I’ll be really upset if he isn’t.

I didn’t like how fast this chapter went, however. I would have liked to learn about more of the conversations her and Leo had and stuff like that. I felt like you rushed over all that stuff, as if to get to this part faster. My advise would be to slow things down, expand. This is a chapter out of your life, right? If it is, then you should be overflowing us with detail.

Go ahead and exaggerate if you want to Wink hehe

But yeah, hope this helps you and PM me when you post chapter four!

Keep up the good work, Mars!

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