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This thread was created on August 31, 2008
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black heart, dark shadows (re-write from original)
Topic ID: 35366
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Dark Star
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
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 Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:57 pm Post subject: black heart, dark shadows (re-write from original) |
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Black Hearts, Dark Shadows
At every corner evil lurks.
A shiver makes all hairs on end.
No longer strong,
temptation smirks.
Tongue of mortar so courage pretends.
Walls dance with angry shadows.
Eyes swim like blackend seas.
Heart beats echo through barren meadows,
Words slur like unfitting keys.
Walking through the darkest maze,
Loved ones shift like silhouettes.
Mind in an unsettled craze,
Silence sounds of haunting minuets. |
Last edited by Dark Star on Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:41 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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Firstly, this is really really good! I do think i read your last one and this is so so good!!
Theres a few points i would still like to make...
1) In the second stanza, i think you mean blackened not backened? Forgive me if im wrong though!
2) i also think you need a comma in the second stanza where it says...
'Heart beats echo through barren meadows
Words slur like unfitting keys.' After the word meadows. Just to keep the pace regular and break it down a little
this poem is really really good! The fact that there was hardly anything to pick out, shows that it is so succesful and you obviously took a lot of care writing it! 
Well done!
i gave you a star by the way |
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Dark Star
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
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thanks for pointing that out (blackened). you were right.
thanx! |
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Evaeva
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 17 Jul 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 11
Country: UK
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 8:27 am Post subject: |
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heya!
I really like this poem. I read your first draft of it (or whichever the other one was) but I definitely think this is better.
There is more meaning to each line because they are not limited by the two word line thing. It also makes it easier to read.
One thing I wasn't sure about was your very last line. It seemed a bit long and I was wondering if it would sound better with something a bit shorter, to end more sharply. You could try, but if you don't like it and think that line sounds right then dont worry.
Well done
Alice
xxx |
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| This thread was created on August 31, 2008 |
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