Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Grand Avenue
Grand Avenue

by Teague in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on August 31, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Alana: The life of a martial arts master, Chap. 1

Alana: The life of a martial arts master (chapter 2)

Topic ID: 35342
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
tnme22   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 303
Reviews: 80
Country: USA
1057 Points

PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:37 pm    Post subject: Alana: The life of a martial arts master (chapter 2) Reply with quote

This is the first half of the second chapter, once again, I'll post the second half on here eventually.

Please give me good, constructive reviews! I want this to be in really good shape. Very Happy

Also, if you haven't already, take a look at the edits from the first chapter on the firs post. I have pictures of how I picture Alana and Face Smile

Thanks for reading Very Happy

Chapter 2.

Loss

When I was younger, and people didn’t expect anything from me, Master Lain would call me his ‘secret weapon’. Since I’m a girl, no one thought I would really amount to much in the martial arts world because apparently girls don’t fight.

Well, I guess the secret got out and now I am the defending World Champion. This last April I broke the Japanese ten year winning streak at Worlds and I am looking to do it again.

As soon as our big, black and blue bus rolled to a stop outside the Los Angeles Civic Center, people gathered around, anxious to get a glimpse of the best martial arts academy in the country. Security personnel forced people to back up. The doors of our bus creaked open and Master Lain proudly walked out to loud claps and cheers. Madame Lyons followed him and he took her arm. I went next, followed closely by Face and Eli. The crowd erupted into cheers. “Long live the Dream Team!” they screamed.

That’s us. The ‘Dream Team’. Eli, Face and I. The three of us made up the world team that defeated the Japanese. Since no one had come close in a decade, and the three of us did so well, people now referred to us as the ‘Dream Team’.

A pimple-faced boy in a red vest led the academy to our holding room. As soon as he left, Master Lain stood up on a table and demanded attention.

All the little kids were super excited. This was their first competition and they were practically bouncing with joy.

“Quiet!” Master Lain yelled. No one dared make a sound. “Everyone concentrate! We have been working far too long for you to start goofing off now.”

The younger kids now looked upset with themselves.

“Beginner fighters get ready now. Check the wall over there for what pool you’re in. The fights begin in about half an hour.” A few kids trickled out. “The rest of you know what to do.” Master Lain jumped down and helped the beginners get ready.

I wouldn’t begin fighting for several hours so my only real goal was just to stay completely focused. I pulled my iPod out of my bag and flipped to my ‘Pre-fight play list’. I retreated to my own little secluded corner, closed my eyes and let the music prepare me.

In martial arts there are four levels: the beginners, novice, expert, and masters. When you are three years old you can begin training. When you turn six you are allowed to start competing. When you turn seventeen, that’s the last year you can compete but many stop when they’re sixteen. At the end of each season, masters retire and their spots need to be filled, the best experts fill their spots and then everyone else moves up as well. Usually you’re in each level about two or three years.

About twenty minutes after the beginners left, Eli and I went to go watch them. We had hours to kill and the only real thing to do was watch everyone else and look for prospective talent.

While the beginners fought Eli and I whispered to each other the mistakes they made and figured out everyone’s weakness. It was a little game we played. Who can find the weakness faster?

Our academy was doing well. We always did. Master Lain stood on the side and yelled encouragement to the competitors. Whenever one of our kids won he would punch the air with his fist.

After almost an hour of fighting, we left to get a snack. We were supposed to eat and drink frequently throughout the day to keep up our stamina, provided that we ate and drank things that were healthy.

The two of us got back to the arena in time to see the beginner finals. Three of our five beginners were in the finals. Each academy is allowed five beginners, four novice, three expert, and three master fighters. Each private trainer is allowed four beginners, three novice, two expert, and two master fighters.

In the end, Damien from the National Academy of Martial Arts, (NAMA) won.

The rest of the day was more of the same. Isaac, who is privately trained by Fred Jones, won the Novice division. Kyle, privately trained by Ben Rogers, won the Expert division.

Now it was time to get in the zone. I had thirty minutes until the start of the Master fights. I put my headphones back in and turned to my ‘Fighting play list’. This wonderfully compiled list of music focused my mind and made me completely engrossed in martial arts.

I walked down to the fighting arena with Master Lain, Eli and Face. The final song ended and I placed my iPod back in my bag. I was ready.

The announcer came on and introduced all the academies and their master fighters. He saved ours for last. “And finally, from Master Lain’s National Martial Arts Academy, please welcome Eli, Face, and your defending World Champion, Alana!”

The crowd roared.

I heard nothing.

There were forty-seven masters competing, representing nine academies and ten private trainers. Competitions are set up in tournament format. There are six pools. You compete within your pool. Lose a fight and your out. The winner of each pool moves into the finals.

I was in the second pool.

I stretched out my long, lean muscles and prepared for my first fight.

I was up against Aaron, a fourteen year old who was privately trained by Eric Fisher. I felt bad for him. This was his first year as a master and he was up against me, the defending World Champion. Plus, this was my first fight of the day so I had a lot of built-up energy. I finished it practically before it started.

I worked my way through my pool with ease. I didn’t think. I just acted. My legs flew without thought. I didn’t need to think. I was in the zone.

Akon, a fifteen year old from Chris Mealson’s National Martial Arts Academy, (CMNMAA), and Geech, a fourteen year old from Master Chan’s Martial Arts Academy, (MCMAA), didn’t stand a chance.

I sat and waited for the finals to start. Master Lain handed me a bottle of water and I downed over half of it in one gulp. The only thing I could think about was winning and the few remaining guys that stood in my way.

Eli sat down beside me and downed almost all of his water, the rest he poured on his head. We didn’t say a word to each other.

The fight assignments showed up on the giant screen hanging over the arena.

Nyle vs. Gabriel

Eli vs. Face

Vinn vs. Alana

Eli groaned from beside me. He knew he couldn’t beat Face. “You’ll do fine,” I said as I patted him on the back, before getting up.

Vinn seemed to be in the finals on a lot of luck. This was his first year as a master. However, from what I had seen of him, he did have quite a bit of skill.

I didn’t have to think about it. I just moved. And kicked. And blocked. And won.

It was effortless.

Face beat Eli and Gabriel beat Nyle. Face had a pass, so I would fight Gabriel.

I knew he would be a slightly more challenging fight. He had two more years of experience than I did but I also knew that wouldn’t matter that much.

Block. Kick. Win. Easy as breathing.

I got a quick breather before facing my only real challenge. Face. He smirked as I stepped up to face him. “Ready to lose?” He smiled.

“Are you?” I smiled back.

I attacked first. I always do. But he rounded back and kicked me faster than I could block him. When I tried to kick back, he blocked me and got in another kick. Shit. Did he actually know how to beat me? His next kick proved the point. Shit, shit, shit. He did. I tried one last time to get him down but he blocked it and sent me to the floor.

“Winner, Face!” the announcer cried.

I got myself up and shook Face’s hand. He was disgustingly happy with himself. “Nice work. Maybe you’re not as thick-headed as I thought you were,” I said smugly.

“Maybe you should pay more attention instead of trying to inflate your big head even more,” he smirked.

“Alright you two, break it up. Save it for training.” Master Lain grabbed our arms and separated us before thrusting a fresh bottle of water into each of our hands.

I continued to glare at Face as I sat down by Eli and chugged my water.

“Its okay, Lana. You’ll get him next time.” He patted my back in reassurance.



Last edited by tnme22 on Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:44 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

109
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 217
Reviews: 109
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:52 pm    Post subject: Re: Alana: The life of a martial arts master (chapter 2) Reply with quote

hello! I am super excited to read this. It's so different from a lot of the things I've been reading and writitng, so it's good.



Quote:
“Beginner fighters get ready now.

I would think that Master Lain would just say beginner's because they are all fighters. right?

Quote:
‘Pre-fight play list’.

I would go into a bit more detail with this. What artist does she listen too?



Quote:
While the beginners fought Eli and I whispered to each other the mistakes they made and figured out everyone’s weakness.

Comma after fought.




Quote:
The crowd roared.

I heard nothing.

Love this.


Quote:
I just moved. And kicked. And blocked. And won.


Re word this sentence to take out the repetitive ands. like I just moved, kicked, blocked, and won Something like that.




Okay, you did great here. There wasn't a lot of hints to romance coming up in future chapters. Yeah I know she has to focus but if she likes Eli then she should say something like I wanted to comfort him, but i shook that off and prepaired. Or, to me it seems that something between Face and Alana is going to happen. Maybe she could say something like The sweat drippled down his face and blah blah gooey stuff, but I blinked away those thoughts and focused on beating his ass.I don't know. Your story.
Good stuff.
Pm me when you get the next chapter up!!

_________________
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
tnme22   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 303
Reviews: 80
Country: USA
1057 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I take look at those things. Thanks much for the review! Very Happy

_________________
Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. From the grave You've risen. Victoriously! Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross You are the truth, You are the light, You are the way.
~Proud Christian~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
tnme22   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 303
Reviews: 80
Country: USA
1057 Points

PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright...here's the next part...

The day ended with a speech on how amazing Monty was and a re-enactment of his death fight. After we got our awards, Master Lain, Face, Eli, and I had to go to a press conference.
I didn’t typically like press conferences. They were long and boring and I would rather be training. I was just itching to go home and watch the tape of my last fight so I would know where I went wrong and then figure out how to kill Face next time.

“Alana.” The stupid reporter in the second row pronounced it like A-lain-uh. “What has been your biggest motivation in becoming so good at martial arts?”

“It’s A-lahn-uh, not A-lain-uh,” I said sharply.

The reporter fumbled around for a second. “My apologies.” He looked scared.

“Um, I would have to say that it’s just the fact that no one expected a lot out of me and I like to prove people wrong.” I had only answered this exact question about a thousand times in my life.

“Master Lain,” an ambitious-looking female reporter in the first row started, “before these three entered your academy, it was severely suffering. How were you able to turn around all the odds and make these three so good?”

Master Lain smiled for the camera. “Well, I won’t give away all my secrets.”

I rolled my eyes. I had heard this about a million times too.

“But when Alana, Face, and Eli entered my doors I saw a lot of potential in all three of them. They are tremendous workers which makes the training that much easier.”

The questions continued for a good forty minutes before Master Lain finally put his foot down and said we would answer one more question.

The stupid reporter in the second row stood up again. “Alana.” He was careful to pronounce my name correctly this time. “Are you planning on going to World’s again and beating the Japanese?”

What a stupid question. I was tired and annoyed so I decided to be sarcastic. “No, I’m planning on letting Yukio win Worlds this year because I really want the Japanese to win.”

The reporter looked baffled.

“Of, course I’m planning on winning! Duh!” I added. Eli laughed.

Master Lain stood. “Thank you for your time.” He smiled nicely for the camera and ushered us out.


“Can I get the tape of the fights?” I asked Master Lain as soon as we got back to the academy.

“Once I get it, I’ll make a copy for you, like I always do. Be patient.” He left me standing in the entrance hall.

I was so frustrated. ‘Be patient’ my ass. I don’t want to be patient. I want to kick Face’s big, stupid-ass butt. Now.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

109
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 217
Reviews: 109
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is the next part? Sweet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Um, I would have to say that it’s just the fact that no one expected a lot out of me and I like to prove people wrong.” I had only answered this exact question about a thousand times in my life.

I like this. It works, it's good!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I was so frustrated. ‘Be patient’ my ass. I don’t want to be patient. I want to kick Face’s big, stupid-ass butt. Now.

Again, good show of character.

There wasn't a lot here. And it's good that there are no nit-picks. Your writing has imrpoved even though, it was great to begin with. Can't wait to read more. Pm me when you get it done!!! Very Happy

_________________
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
alwaysawriter   View This User's Portfolio
is back to writing and critiquing.
Speaker of the Forum

126
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 May 2008
Posts: 899
Reviews: 126
Country: Hiding where , somehow, everyone can find me.
342 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi. Thanks for the friend request. Smile I'm going to review the first things I notice about each chapter of the chapter then critique it in whole.

First part

Quote:
The ‘Dream Team’.
The "Dream Team".

Quote:
When you turn seventeen, that’s the last year you can compete but many stop when they’re sixteen.
The wording on this is a little funny. Maybe reword it?

Quote:
While the beginners fought Eli and I whispered to each other the mistakes they made and figured out everyone’s weakness.
While the beginners fought, Eli and I...

Quote:
It was a little game we played. Who can find the weakness faster?
It was a little game we played: Who can find the weakness faster?

Quote:
The crowd roared.

I heard nothing.
If she can't hear anything, how can she tell they roared?

Quote:
Lose a fight and your out.
You're

Quote:
In the end, Damien from the National Academy of Martial Arts, (NAMA) won.


Quote:
Isaac, who is privately trained by Fred Jones, won the Novice division. Kyle, privately trained by Ben Rogers, won the Expert division.


Quote:
Akon, a fifteen year old from Chris Mealson’s National Martial Arts Academy, (CMNMAA), and Geech, a fourteen year old from Master Chan’s Martial Arts Academy, (MCMAA), didn’t stand a chance.

For this one and the two above it, remember that this is Alanna's story; the readers aren't interested in knowing more about who she fought, unless they'll come in later in the story.

Second part:

Quote:
They were long and boring and I would rather be training.
Too many Ands. What about "They were long, boring, and I would rather be training."?

Quote:
“But when Alana, Face, and Eli entered my doors I saw a lot of potential in all three of them.
Try not to start a sentence with a conjuction. Just take out the But and let When begin the sentence.

Quote:
“Alana.”
"Alana," because he's not done talking.

Quote:
I was so frustrated. ‘Be patient’ my ass. I don’t want to be patient. I want to kick Face’s big, stupid-ass butt. Now.

This is an okay ending but I think you could have ended it better.

Overall comments/suggestions:

Grammatically, I didn't notice anything big. You may have missed a comma, put a period where there needed to be a comma, and used the wrong form of one of the words but that was it.

Some of the sentence flow of some of sentences didn't work. If you aren't sure if a sentence flows, say it out loud. Do you pause any where you shouldn't? Does the wording make sense? Reread the sentence a few times too, just to make sure.

Remember that in parts like how Alana talks about her oppoents, you don't have to tell us what school they go to; just their name and level.

In the second part, it bothered me that the reporters didn't ask any questions about how she felt losing. Maybe you should add that in there?

This wasn't as good as the first chapter but it was good all the same. I can't wait til the romance comes into it. Smile

As always, PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter

_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
tnme22   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 303
Reviews: 80
Country: USA
1057 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks soooooooo much!!
i'll take a look at those things asap Very Happy

_________________
Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. From the grave You've risen. Victoriously! Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross You are the truth, You are the light, You are the way.
~Proud Christian~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on August 31, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on August 31, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society