Topic ID: 35314
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| Total Votes : 2 |
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Salliewalker
Novice

Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 30 Aug 2008 Posts: 13 Reviews: 4 Country: Land of Lawsuits 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: Passing of La Belle |
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Passing of La Belle
By Salliewalker
There was once a young lady of this small rural town,
With light rosy skin, deep gold hair, and eyes rich brown.
Her smile was of pearl setting amid ruby red lips.
Her laughter the clear sound of tinkling glass.
Her green dress once swished over the green grass
As she danced under the stars at night.
Her song once rang clearly in the stillest of nights.
Her long gold hair once shone as she ran in the wind.
Her laugh was once heard echoing through the woods.
All of the town had loved their beautiful belle,
Their most beautiful of pearls, and loveliest of flowers.
She had a beau, a fine strong lad.
You’d see them laugh, dance over the soft grass.
On nights you’ll see them walking under shade of tree.
And by day you’d look, but no sign of them you shall find.
Then one day came the war.
Shovels are put up, and guns taken out.
As the young lad marches with the others out of town,
His lovely belle watches, with eyes large and brown.
Spring turns to summer, summer to fall.
Those that have left have come back not at all.
Then one day comes back a long wooden box.
Made of pine, and painted a lovely dark brown.
They bring it to the belle’s house, and carry it inside.
The belle lifts the lid with trembling fingers
Then in her hands her face hides.
Guns are gone, and shovels back out.
She watches as the men dig his grave,
And wonders if there is a chance at all—
Of soft green grass being where he is today.
Slowly the shiny gold locks lose their luster.
Song has ceased, laughter stopped, smiles have faded.
Skin now paled, and eyes now dimmed.
The green dress turns to dust in the corner.
Another box is carried from the house.
It is placed alongside the soldier’s grave.
Prayers are said, amid drizzling rain.
As the church bell rings its dreadful death knell,
The village mourns for their once lovely belle.
The grave is now silent, and the sun shows its face.
The front of the tombstone reads in bold letters:
“Here lies the loveliest of all flowers.
Whose smile was golden, and laughter cherished.
Whose life was as spring, and death as winter.
From 1772 to 1797, so was the life and passing of la belle.”
A/N: Don't know if they allow author's note here, but I'm putting it unless stated otherwise.
I made up the date, as well as the story.
I was not strongly inspired for this one, though I do admit I enjoyed writing it.
Please read and respond.
Don't know if they allow flames here, but please don't anyway. Thanks. |
_________________ Faith is God Given. We cannot rely on our own faith, but in trusting that He is always there for us. |
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Sportgurl46
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 16 May 2008 Posts: 253 Reviews: 60 Country: Hickville 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:27 am Post subject: |
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hey your poem was great while reading it i thought that i was at a tea party and we were all wearing corsetts (not that corsetts are good or anything) (and yes i know that it is sad at the end) but anyway, there was only one thing that i really noticed and that was that you rhyme, then you don't, then you kinda do, oh wait then you don't, but then you do...do you see were this is going? what you need to do is choose wether this is a rhyming poem or not. if it isn't then you are going to have to change some things. well, you need to do that even if it is. but i think that once you have done that then this poem will sound a lot better.
hope this helps if you have any questions about my critique please pm me
happy writing
-sport |
_________________ -When the Boogeyman goes to bed every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. |
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Salliewalker
Novice

Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 30 Aug 2008 Posts: 13 Reviews: 4 Country: Land of Lawsuits 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah--I kinda need to decide that beforehand, lol. Haha, France and corsettes do go together though, so I see where you go with that ;P.
To be honest, I'm extremely lazy with editing (being that when I edit I tend to change a whole bunch of things instead of one), so I'm not sure if I'm going to edit this one just yet. But I will keep that in mind for future poems~
Thanks for the crit though . |
_________________ Faith is God Given. We cannot rely on our own faith, but in trusting that He is always there for us.
Last edited by Salliewalker on Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:26 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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moon_shifter143
Novice
Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 27 Aug 2008 Posts: 9 Reviews: 2 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:50 pm Post subject: Re: Passing of La Belle |
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Your poem is extremely good, very moving
I only found one issue
| Salliewalker wrote: |
Then one day came the war.
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this line doesnt really flow with the rest of your lines
It is too abrupt and makes the reader stop and lose focus
May I suggest:
then one day came the war
And then when the war came
The day the war came
etc...
other than that...that was really good...keep writing! |
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