Young Writers Society - Lonely Hearts-Part 1

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This thread was created on August 30, 2008

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Possible Related Items Follow:

•Lonely Hearts-A Preface

•Lonely Hearts-Part 2

•Lonely Hearts-Part 3

•Until The End-Part 1

•Until The End-Part 2

•Until The End-Part 3

•Until The End-Part 4

•Until The End-Part 5

•Until The End-Part 6

•Until The End-Part 7

Lonely Hearts-Part 1

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Merry_Haven
Take a step into eternity
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1977 Points

Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject: Lonely Hearts-Part 1

~Revised. Tell me if it needs to be shorter or longer phrases. Knowing this is a free verse. Otherwise negative reviews are welcomed. Enjoy.~ Sweet Sixteen Sweet Sixteen. Is that supposed to mean anything? I hope not. I haven't even had my first kiss. I probably won't have one in a very long time. I'm not wishing for it to happen, yet. I can wait, for now. But sweet sixteen. What's it supposed to mean? Friends On my birthday I spend time with friends. Who never really were my true friends at heart. My friends go on how special it is for turning sixteen. I don't care. All I want to do is leave and go home. Yet my parents told me to go out and have fun. What's fun supposed to mean? Presents Presents. What a special thing they can be. They're only special from people who actually care and love you. At my party, that is at a friends house, we open presents. Some are gift cards some is money some are things I don't want. But I smile that fake smile I put up to please them and go on with life. I am not a fake. I just really don't know these people at heart. Presents. They can be a real something. Goodnight I say goodnight and go to bed at this supposedly sleepover. And thank my girlfriends for the wonderful gifts they have given me. Dreams Dreams. Or can they be Nightmares? I don't really know. I dream about a shadowless person. A ghost who calls for me. “Gracie.” Who is this ghost? I want to know. But this is only a dream.
Last edited by Merry_Haven on Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:47 am; edited 3 times in total

Krupp
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Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 5:15 pm Post subject:

Honestly, the formatting of this is murder...at least to my eyes it is. Break it down and make less lines. It's just a bit more convienent. As for the actual prose itself? It's fine. I'm not seeing much that could be fixed, because most of it is just observations and opinions. You did fine with this piece save for the formatting.
_________________ I am what I am.

girlwithquestions
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300 Points

Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject:

i know before i had said the formatting of your story was very interesting, but it actually makes it harder to read. maybe just add more to a line so you don't have to scroll so much? i like how you get straight to the point. the bold letters start it, and everything underneath says it. it's a really great style. =) The way you make your character sound is actually really intriguing. you kind of wonder, who is this girl? and what is she trying to say to us? i like it. definitely keep writing! if you need an opinion, you can always PM me!

Merry_Haven
Take a step into eternity
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1977 Points

Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject:

girlwithquestions- Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me. For the format, I'll work on it when I get the chance. Otherwise, thanks for checking it out. -Merry

ashleylee
I want the friction...
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Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:52 pm Post subject:

Very very deep, Merry. You get really into your characters head here, really try to let this confused and lost girl show herself to the reader. I loved this chapter! The only part that I think you need to elaborate more is on the ‘friends’ thing. How are they not her friends? Are they fake? Or is she fake, not being herself around them? I think that deserves more explanations. But besides that, keep up the good work!
_________________ -Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart- ~William Wordsworth

xyberangel
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 12:12 am Post subject:

I quite liked how the free verse is coming along and here's some suggestions.

Quote:

What's it supposedly

mean?

change to what's it supposed to mean?

Quote:

Who aren't really my true friends

at heart.

maybe never really my true friends at heard would be better because it would make it stronger, like even before you knew they weren't your true friends, who never really understood you ect.

Quote:

My “friends” go over how special it is

for turning sixteen.

Could be changed to my "friends" go on about how special it is..." as go on would make repititive like dronning on and on about someting, as friends do sometimes.

Quote:

for the wonderful gifts

they have gave me.

either they gave me or they have given me

Quote:

Presents.

They can be a real something.

The last line seemed to interupt the flow of the free verse, althrough if it was fiction it would be quite effective and I like the tone which is a contrast, but maybe you can change it to flow better.

shadow less person. (isnt it shadowless person)

Overall I like the refreshing way its written and will go on to read more, I find the subtitles effective, as its written in such a detached tone, and yet silently contemplating the things thats going around her, there the subs help inforce it more.

~Flora

This thread was created on August 30, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on August 30, 2008

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