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Beggar's Dystopia -- Chapter One
Beggar's Dystopia -- Chapter One

by Blink in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 30, 2008
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Puppy Love

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 12:01 pm    Post subject: Puppy Love Reply with quote

His temper got the best of him, again. He bared fangs and hair sprouted through his skin. It wasn’t that painful if he didn’t think about it. Ever since he had been bitten by that vampire, the pain had only increased. Adair had been born a werewolf. After he started throwing tantrums at about the age of five, his parents knew it wasn’t normal for him to shift into a beast, so they abandoned him.

Adair had gone to an orphanage until the age of fifteen, after that he ran away and became his life as a loner. He had so far, not come across any other packs that he could join. He had heard about a pack that accepted anyone that came. The young werewolf wondered at whether he would ever belong anywhere. This thought angered him every time he pondered on it and he had to be careful that he never thought about it in public. Right now he was in the forest on the outskirts of a tiny town called Hayden, so he was safe for now.

He calmed his thoughts, and slowly turned back into human. Adair needed supplies and food. Even though he was werewolf he found that he could not eat animals raw, it made him gag every time. There was a busy market in the middle of town. A busy market made it easier on him, it was less noticeable when he picked pockets and snatched food.

Adair acted like he belonged there, he found that if he acted suspicious he would be more noticeable. He walked up behind someone in the tight crowd and picked a wallet of a gentleman’s pocket. He took more than nessesary. Following his keen sense of smell he found a pastry stall. He pulled out a twenty and handed it to the man.

“I would like to get that,” he told the man, pointing at a tasty looking doughnut. The vender took out the doughnut, wrapped it up, and gave it to Adair with the change.

“Thief!” someone in the crowd shouted. "Someone took my wallet!"

“What a shame,” Adair told the vender as he left.

He made his way through the crowd stopping at various stalls to stock up food until he came to the next little town. When he ran out of money, he stole until his jacket and jean pockets were full. More than nessisary, but he needed it more than these people.

“Hey, you in the brown shirt come back here,” Adair looked down and saw that he was wearing a brown shirt. He swore under his breath as he hid himself in the crowd. This had happened before, he had been caught. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.

As soon as he cleared the crowd, Adair started running as fast as his legs could manage. When he got within the safety of the trees he morphed into his werewolf form. To a human he looked like a regular wolf, no one would catch him now. Adair knew that know they would be on the lookout for him, he would need to move on, to a different crowd. He would stay there for the night but in the morning he would start his track westward, trying to find someone like him.

Later that night Adair was woken by the crunching of the leaves. He shivered from the chilly fall weather. His ears stood erect, and he was on alert for any other noises. He had fallen asleep in his wolf form. The wolf-boy looked out into the forest to see the intruder, and saw a young girl, his age, maybe a bit younger than him, staring straight at where he was. She approached him, unafraid.

This wasn’t right, he thought, No sane human would approach me. She walked all the way up to Adair. He stood stiff and still, not wanting to hurt her or scare her off.

“Hello, my name’s Kyra, I assume that you are a werewolf, I could tell by the violet in your eyes.”

Adair slowly soothed his mind getting over his nervousness, and phased back into a human. Who was this stranger protruding in his part of the forest? He looked at Kyra slowly up and down, his eyes finally rested on her eyes; hers too were a violet color, a little darker than his. Her raven black hair blew in the wind. So he had finally met another werewolf. He knew in that moment he wanted her, and he wanted her bad,

“I have been an outcast from this town, waiting on another like me. I saw you run through the crowd today, right past me and I noticed your eyes. After the excitement wore down I decided to follow you up here. I was wondering if I could travel with you, I have no use for this place.”

Adair thought about it. He would no longer be alone in his travels; he would have a constant companion that was his age. Werewolves were not very common and Kyra was the first one he had found his entire life. Of course he was going to say yes…

“I don’t mind, I have gotten lonely in the past. I have been searching for a pack to take me in, rumor has it that there is a free pack that takes in everyone in.” he told her, trying not to sound as desperate as he felt.

Kyra also had been shunned by her village and had no home; she was pleased that she would have someone to travel with.

“Thanks,”

“Well, we move out in the morning then, if you have any belongings you might want to get them before we leave. Chances are that we will never come back to this place. Are you sure you want to leave?” he asked unaware that her life matched his own.

“Sure, definitely,” she promised “Just need to go get my things.”

She loped off to get her few belongings. The only things she had to her name was a locket that her mother had given her, a blanket, some money, and a little food that she had gotten for working that morning at the market. Kyra could not wait to get out of here to start her new life. Within a few minutes she had made her way back to where Adair was sleeping. She lay down next to him and fell asleep.

They were awakened the next morning by the sunlight beaming though the trees. The pine straw had made comfortable bedding last night, and they woke up refreshed. Kyra put the bag into her mouth. She was going to travel in her werewolf form like Adair was going to. They set off westward looking for more of their kind.

As they walked Kyra cast sideways glances at Adair. She watched his chocolate brown fur catch the sunlight beams. She was trying not to get caught looking at him for fear that he would look at her and change his mind about his being in the pack and leave her here.

Little did Kyra know that Adair was doing the same. He thought about how lovely her wolf form looked, and thought about her human form too. He doubted that anyone would look at him twice, he wasn’t the best looking in his town, one of the reasons he not been adopted when he was young.

“So, what where you doing before you found me?” Kyra asked.

“I was searching our kind, hopefully I could find the pack,” he replied.

“Oh,” Kyra hadn’t even considered leaving home on her own. She hadn’t been brave enough, but she had known that when someone else arrived that was like her she would follow them to the end of the earth.

The both broke off the conversation, going into deep thought. Neither wolf knew why they had born a werewolf; both of their parents had been human. It didn’t make since. Both had been shunned from their town for what they were.

The sunlight on their backs told them that it was getting late. Adair circled around finding a place where those other bugs and animals would not touch him or Kyra. He didn’t want her to grow tired from not getting good sleep.

He emptied his jacket contents on the ground, Kyra noticed that he gourged himself. Because Adair wanted her he let her have some of his food. It killed him to share though.They lay down close to each other. Kyra wanted to know when Adair got up; she feared that he would leave her behind.

Kyra had trust issues. She couldn’t help it, almost every time she had trusted someone they had left her, her parents, the town boys and girls, everyone she had never known.

It was five years ago and they were playing blind man’s bluff. Kyra was “it” and they blindfolded her eyes. The girls had tied it so tight around her head so that she wouldn’t cheat. She had never cheated though; she just had good hearing was all. They spun her around and let her go. She was dizzy that she fell on the ground.

The young girl heard every one laugh and run from the forest clearing in which they were playing. “Let’s leave her here,” she heard a young boy say. “Yeah, no one will notice her if she goes missing,” another girl chuckled menacingly. So they ran in all different directions for the village leaving her there all by herself.

Kyra waited an entire day for someone to come get her. She began to cry, and became so angry that she phased into the werewolf she truly was. As she changed the blindfold ripped off, she didn’t need those backstabbing town kids. Kyra would teach them all a lesson.

That night she crept stealthily into the village and on every pane of the children’s window she stood. A lurking shadow cast in there room. When they saw her some would run, others would scream. When dawn arrived she calmed down enough and morphed back into her human shape.

The village still had wolf hunts sometimes, looking for the “wolf” that had scared their children. The children had accused her of witchcraft but they silenced their children. They all stayed away from me after that though. All looked at Kyra with accusing eyes…

Kyra heard Adair move beside her, her ears were alert.

“Kyra, are you still awake?” he whispered.

“Yes, what is it,” Kyra replied looking at him.

“Did you feel that you never belonged anywhere, anywhere at all,” Adair asked

“No, I haven’t,” she said fiercely. She didn’t want Adair to think that she was attached to this town.

“Oh…”

“I am not attached to this town the least little bit, I don’t want you to leave me behind. I don’t care what you say, but I am going to follow you from now on, wherever you go.”

“I wasn’t going to say that you were not welcome here,” Adair said confused. Why did Kyra think he was going to leave the only one that was like him? It was so lonely without anyone to talk to. He wanted a companion with him.

“Oh…” Kyra hung her head and blushed. She had embarrassed herself.

Their conversation faded into silence and both fell back asleep, listening to nature’s lullaby. They woke up the next morning at dawn, they gathered their few belongings, and started on their path westward into the sunrise. Hopefully they would find their kind along the way.

The next day they woke at dawn, Kyra, still embarrassed from the previous night kept her head down. The moved westward into the rising sun. When the sun was directly overhead, they decided to stop and rest.

Finally Adair could take it no longer, “Kyra, why have you not spoken to me all day? I thought when you joined we could keep each other’s company but…”

“You mean you’re not mad about how I acted, you don’t even consider it strange?” interrupted Kyra.

“Everyone has their reasons; you can keep your secrets, although if you need a listening ear, I’m here,” replied Adair.

“Thanks,” Kyra said, and they faded back into silence.

She observed the forests; they were surrounded by swaying trees that caught the wind. The shadows of the branches moved along the leaf-covered floor. The scene was certainly relaxing; traveling like this could be something she enjoyed.

Meanwhile Adair was thinking of something that had happened four years ago.

Adair had been traveling alone, as usual. He felt lonelier than usual, so in his desperation he had been searching towns day and night. The young wolf hadn’t slept for several days and was sluggish and not as alert as he usually was. When he heard the branch and rustling of leaves, he thought it had been another creature of the forest.

Something gripped his neck with an iron hand. Adair struggled for air as the hand grew tighter and tighter. His adrenaline rushed giving him the strength to overthrow the predator, but before he could get it off, the thing bit his neck.

Adair howled with rage and snapped the offender’s neck. After the thing quit twitching and lay still he took a closer look. The figure had blood red eyes and a pale face, so this was a vampire. It was the first thing he had met, other than himself, that was supernatural.

After that he had always kept an alert ear, the pain still reminded him every day of his mistake. Adair slept in guarded areas at night, taking care never to fall into a deep slumber…

A growl interrupted his thoughts and he stood alert and defensive, ready to defend his miserable little pack of Kyra and himself.

His eyes have to be deceiving him he thought as he took it in, before him stood a pack of eight werewolves. The wolves formed into their human shape, out of courtesy, Adair and Kyra did the same.

“Welcome to our home,” the Alpha said. “We have been waiting for your arrival.”

Kyra and Adair grinned at each other; they had finally found a home.

---------------------------

Thanks for the critiques. I've edited it so hopefully its a lot better...


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Last edited by Kaylyn on Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:44 pm; edited 6 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok
this wasn't one of the better stories I've read (sorry) because it just all seems a bt rushed and quick, and there are quite a few spelling mistakes as well. Tip: when someone is asking a question, you put a question mark at the end, instead of a comma or a full stop.
Also, i think you could make this a bit more exciting. Its all running too fast and a bit boring.
And would you really ask someone to marry you when you havn't even known them for a full 24 hours?
Slow down and take your time, double check spellings, and add a few twists or surprises to the story!
good luck!

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don’t critique for grammatical error and such–unless they are screaming at me–so I’ll just go for the story and writing.

Writing: Your writing is fine. Good. Maybe a little predictable but I think it’s being smothered by the story.

Story: I have to be honest, please don’t take offense; I don’t like it. I find vampire/werewolf stories to be a well worn line and boring. You ran with all the established cliques. The story started off unhappily and didn’t catch my interest. It all seemed tired and worn. The dialogue was in a rut. There was no spice or wit.

You seem to have the basics of writing down and your sentences flow well. The story just wasn’t interesting enough.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I am working on it. *sigh* This is a really rough draft, I know it is way to fast... I just needed a quick ending. I was bored with the story, but don't worry. It will get better after I edit it. You can count on that!

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like has already been said, this work seems a bit rushed and cliched.

No worries. Cliche's can be good, you just have to find a way to make it your own.

I would suggest going into his thoughts and feelings...what is it like for him to morph? How does he feel when he meets the young lady.
Also, the flashback is a bit unclear. I think there's some way you can do that without making it seem as...awkward...as it does.
The overall flow of conversation seems a bit offbeat. Try to make it smooth and rhythmic. Try to make it flow and sound natural - for example, perhaps he should be a bit shocked and hesitant when he first meets her. Perhaps doubtful? I don't know. But convey that in conversation. Or in his thoughts.
Finally, stick to one perspective. Going from his perspective to hers and back again is laborious on a short story. It's a style that works better for a novel or longer work. You CAN make it work, if you want, but I would suggest some kind of paragraph break or something.

sorry if this is not so much helpful...

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For the most part I liked.
Like everyone else has said it's rushed, and also werewolves and vampires are used way too often. So try to use something that no one else has seen. Though that might be hard but if you do that I think it will make your story a lot better.
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The meeting between Adair and Kyra seemed kind of casual, perhaps rushed.

"Hey we're both werewolves. Wanna hang out?"

"Yeah sure let's go."

Laughing This reminds me of Narnia. It was always like that in those books; everyone was so ready to be friends with everyone else.

Reading on...Hope you don't mind me commenting as I go...

Quote:
As they walked Kyra cast sideways glances at Adair. She watched his chocolate brown fur catch the sunlight beams. She was trying not to get caught looking at him for fear that he would look at her and change his mind about his being in the pack and leave her here.

Little did Kyra know that Adair was doing the same.


Maybe I'm just an insensitive guy, but this seems a bit touchy-feely. Razz

Arhar! The "Kyra, are you still awake?" bit was very nice.

Ending seemed rushed too, but that's probably just because you were trying to keep the story short. Overall, the best description I can come up with is "cute". I generally prefer "epic", but cute's good too. Smile

Toodles.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 1:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story is the worst I've ever wrote. I personally don't like it, but am reluctant to delete a story. Thanks for the crits though.

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That was my last piece. Smile

Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
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