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Faerie Girl
Faerie Girl

by Kaylyn in Art & Photography
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on August 29, 2008
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Lonely Hearts-Part 1
Lonely Hearts-Part 2
Lonely Hearts-Part 3
Until The End ~ Preface

Lonely Hearts-A Preface

Topic ID: 35268
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Merry_Haven   View This User's Portfolio
Take a step into eternity
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 3:11 am    Post subject: Lonely Hearts-A Preface Reply with quote

~Okay, so I had no idea if YWS published free verse stories and so I had to ask. If "other" fiction doesn't apply to this, then tell me and I'll move it. Otherwise negatives reviews are welcomed! Oh, and enjoy. Wink ~

I ran.

And that's all I did.

I ran from what was right. In my life.

I didn't care. Whatsoever.

He was all I cared about.

I knew he called for me

at night

when the moon was

out and about.

For I longed

to be with him.

And all it's possibilities.

Nothing could stop me,

for being with him.

I opened

the rusty, old gate

and crept through

the wild gardens.

Time.

It was probably midnight.

But I didn't care,

what would happen in the morning.

I held onto the cold doorknob

and regret

swam all through me,

like a confused child.

My next movement

could probably change

my life.

Forever.

I instead pushed open the door

and was blown away

from the

bright chandelier's lights.

Everything inside

looked like a

picture from the past.

The moment I stepped

onto the clearing

everything about me changed.

I was now wearing

a short black dress.

Walking farther into the room,

I saw a floor length

mirror.

Was that really me?

Did I really have

wavy

ash

blond hair

and blood

red lips?

Or was my

imagination

creeping

back into my thoughts?

I looked at

the mirror

differently

And saw him.

I didn't

move

one

inch.

He walked

swiftly,

smiling,

that

perfect

smile of his.

He came up

from behind

me.

“Gracie.”

He slowly

whispered

into my ear.

I closed

my eyes.

A few special

moments passed

by.

With him putting

light

kisses

down my throat.

I felt

like I was

going to

die.

Time passed

quickly.

He turned me around.

He looked sexier

than before.

“So beautiful.”

He grazed my cheek

with his warm hand.

I closed my eyes

once more.

I felt his soft

lips upon mine.

A moment passes

and we pull away.

He looks me in

the eye.

I know it is

time.

“Come.”

I gave him my hand.

He led me upstairs.



Last edited by Merry_Haven on Sat Aug 30, 2008 5:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
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jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 1:28 pm    Post subject: Re: Lonely Hearts-A Preface Reply with quote

Whoa! This is really good. Very touching/moving, whatever it's called. You did an excelent job with the visual, I could picture it.


Quote:
Walking father

farther, not father. little nit pick.
That's it for nit picks.


Quote:
“So beautiful.”
He grazed my cheek
with his warm hand.

Favorite part!!!

I love the way you ended it. Great job. It does sound like Untouched a little. Weird, huh?

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girlwithquestions   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:44 pm    Post subject: awesome! Reply with quote

wow. this was good. it was very moving, and the way you wrote it (format) caught my eye!

i liked the part where you wrote something about how this decision could change her life forever. but then she does it anyways. awesome!!
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very deep, Merry. I really enjoy this style of yours. It is so different, so refreshing. Very nice Very Happy

My only concern is that sometimes, if you read it out loud, it gets kind of choppy in some of the sentences because it looks like you should stop and start a new sentence with every line, but you don’t because it’s free verse. My only suggestion is to try and read through to see if you can make any of your sentences smoother.

Otherwise, it was really good!

On to read more Wink

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praisejoe   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

mistakes: farther not father.

i"m praise and i sincerely love the way you wrote your poem. it was intresting and captivating i also love the way the poem ended. quite a good job done with your poem.

thanks.
'
cheers
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xyberangel   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow I really loved this free verseb fiction, unique way of writing it, that I havnt seen before. I especially liked

Quote:
Did I really have
wavy
ash
blond hair
and blood
red lips?


and the other descriptions, as they let each detail sink in before moving on to the next one, which I found effective, compared to something that would read horizontal.

The repitition of the time was good too, and I liked how the first time

Quote:
Time.
It was probably midnight.
But I didn't care,
what would happen in the morning.


that it cut in, which was suprising and good.

~Flora
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This thread was created on August 29, 2008

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