Topic ID: 35111
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happy-go-lucky
Goody Two Shoes
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 24 May 2008
Posts: 386
Reviews: 47
Country: England
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: The Last Stand |
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I heard them on the Plains.
Their horses’ hooves drumming,
Their battle cries ringing.
A single feather floating,
From an eagle in the sky.
The majestic bird –
A symbolic shrine –
Soars higher into paradise.
But what is one feather,
To the hero of the skies?
The riders ride on without a tremor,
The brave nobles of the frontier.
Painted faces and war bonnets,
Worn proudly in the sun.
Distant buffalos graze in peace,
Oblivious to their fate.
One day they shall no longer roam.
For freedom is their curse.
Taken from them easily,
Yet, returned rarely.
Facing eye to eye,
They stand against their enemy.
Their rivals quaking,
Inside their leather boots.
Muskets at hand, they fire.
The first falls.
The second follows.
Crimson blood spilling.
The warm breeze pauses.
Waiting and watching.
The bloodshed halts in its gory tracks,
The battlefield silent in wait.
A lone warrior stands.
Lightning flashing down his face,
Smudged in his effort.
He smiles at his victory,
His fight for survival.
It is won.
Custer lies dead. |
_________________
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"
- Oscar Wilde
"It is not necessary for eagles to be crows."
- Chief Sitting Bull |
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StarDuster
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 61
Reviews: 33
Country: Someone's Imagination
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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This was really good. I liked how you made everything flow without feeling any need to rhyme or anything like that. The first stanza I really liked. It seemed the most natural of all of them. I have some problems with poetry myself so I'm probably not the best to criticize or anything.
The other stanzas flowed nicely, too, but for some reason didn't seem as natural. Maybe that's just me.
Watch your punctuation.. in some places it didn't seem to make much sense.
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One day they shall no longer roam.
For freedom is their curse.
Taken from them easily,
Yet, returned rarely.
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I like how you worded all of that, but sometimes in poetry punctuation isn't needed after every line.
I hope I could be of some help. I really like how you write poetry. |
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"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains." |
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happy-go-lucky
Goody Two Shoes
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 May 2008
Posts: 386
Reviews: 47
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the comment StarDuster and welcome to YWS (even though you joined 2 days ago!) |
_________________
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"
- Oscar Wilde
"It is not necessary for eagles to be crows."
- Chief Sitting Bull |
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Tusker93
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Aug 2008
Posts: 66
Reviews: 16
Country: Sheffield, UK
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 11:09 am Post subject: |
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I really liked that! It was so nicely worded that you didn't care whether it rhymed or not after a few lines.
This isn't much of a critique I know but I have to say, good job.
One line I liked a lot was 'the warm breeze pauses.' The ideas and imagery I got from that one line was phenomenal.
Hope to read more from you  - keep writing.
-Tusker- |
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