Topic ID: 35094
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SunshineOrange
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 Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:49 am Post subject: Lunar |
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I wonder where you are tonight,
Mister Moon.
The sky will never be so bright,
Mister Moon.
The clouds have covered you so tight,
Mister Moon.
Will you come back another night?
Mister Moon.
My mammy says you've gone away.
Don't be stupid, I did say.
He doesn't go on holiday!
Or do you?
The stars look lonely in the sky,
I look away - it makes me cry.
Mammy looks worried;
What's wrong, dear?
I want to see the Moon up there,
But now he's gone on holiday;
I'll have to wait another day.
Mammy laughs and tells me; wait.
I grumble, I'm tired, it's getting late.
But now the summer breeze is blowing,
Oh my gosh! I see you glowing.
You're peeping out from behind the clouds,
Glittering, shining, big and proud.
Even the Moon needs to get away,
To somewhere new and far away.
This poem has a happy end,
Goodnight Moon, my bright friend. |
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mitte
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I like this poem, it's good. The repetition of "mister moon" in the first stanza is a nice touch. It's kinda like what a kid would write...But i guess that's the idea. |
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Black Ghost
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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Unlike the first review, I didn't think that the repetition of "Mister moon" in the first stanza was very good. It seemed like a lot, and it was very distracting.
Also, I though the "Oh my gosh!" part seemed forced, and it didn't really fit with the rest of the poem. And would a little kid really tell his mom "not to be stupid"? It seems a little too disrespectful for the context. Overall, thought, this is a nice poem for children, the idea of the moon being your friend gives one a fuzzy feeling inside. ^_^
BlackGhost |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
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| Black Ghost wrote: |
Unlike the first review, I didn't think that the repetition of "Mister moon" in the first stanza was very good. It seemed like a lot, and it was very distracting.
Also, I though the "Oh my gosh!" part seemed forced, and it didn't really fit with the rest of the poem. And would a little kid really tell his mom "not to be stupid"? It seems a little too disrespectful for the context. Overall, thought, this is a nice poem for children, the idea of the moon being your friend gives one a fuzzy feeling inside. ^_^
BlackGhost |
I agree with Black Ghost's review. The repetition in the first line, although I'm sure little kids would it, I thought it was annoying. I don't agree with the "Oh my gosh" and "not to be stupid" parts though... those were nice touches in my opinion. This could be made into a nice childrens' book, I can imagine me reading it to my little cousin right now. It does give a nice fuzzy feeling.
Nice effect. |
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sings from books
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:05 am Post subject: |
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This was really sweet! I thoroughly enjoyed the simplicity of it, and like the others said, it definately gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, and I would enjoy reading it to my little cousins.
At first I did not like the repitition of "Mister Moon" in the opening stanza. On later reflection, however, I have realized that it fits the characters persona really well. It is in a childs nature to ask alot of questions, and to repeat names and specific words with each one. So I think it fits. However, maybe if you repeated that whole idea of "mister Moon" over and over again at the end of the poem, it would provide some balance and sense of symetry to the format, I think, and would reinforce the idea that you are trying to convey. So instead of asking "mister Moon" alot of questions AGAIN, you could end the piece with somehting like:
"So now I understand
Mister Moon
Where you have been tonight
Mister Moon..." etc.
Thats my very poor attempt to convey my idea, haha! But you get the picture.
Anyway, this was a great poem. Keep up the great work! |
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