Topic ID: 35048
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EmmaSweetie100
Senior Writer
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Country: My closet
337 Points
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 Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: Breathe |
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Listen and hear the earth breathe,
its heartbeat along with yours.
And the flowers dance in rythem with it all.
But as darkness creeps in,
the flowers stop dancing,
but the earth lives on.
 try and guess what it means |
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Evaeva
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 17 Jul 2008
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Country: UK
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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Its very short which makes it very refreshing from some of the other poetry i have read recently.
I like it. It feels like one of those little bites of something delicious, rich and very sweet so that small bit is enough.
Its colourful, that might be the mention of flowers or the fact that I have something that means I associate colours with words but its nice.
I'm not sure about the meaning. Every time I look there seem to be more!
First I thought it might be referring to people ruining countryside and damaging the earth but it still lives on and provides us with food and things.
Then I thought it might just be about day going into night, quite an obvious image but possible.
Then I thought the darkness could be winter but the earth is just sleeping and will wake up in spring...
I dont know!
liked it though.
Alice
xxxx |
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wisemann210
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Posts: 469
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Country: USA
579 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 6:31 pm Post subject: |
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Listen and hear the earth breathe,
its heartbeat along with yours. |
'It's' needs an apostrophe, Earth should be capitalized, and the second line doesn't flow with the first one.
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And the flowers dance in rythem with it all. |
You spelt Rhythm wrong!
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But as darkness creeps in,
the flowers stop dancing,
but the earth lives on. |
This little bit is just, Bluh!
I don't think it makes any sense because 'when darkness creeps in', meaning when it gets dark, you say the the flowers stop dancing. This isn't really true, wind can blow in the nighttime.
And when you say ' but the earth lives on' it doesn't make any sense with the rest of the poem.
This piece needs some work, also you need to read some poetry and get a feel for it.
It wouldn't hurt to pick up a grammar book too
I really didn't mean to sound harsh but I only wanted to help.
Hope i helped
---Jon---
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wewinwelose
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:04 am Post subject: |
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| This is really good and i think it has a lot of depth to it. It's good as it is but if you feel like adding a little more meaning to it try sitting down with a pen and the poem and saying it over in you head and add a little more to it. I think it's really good and just keep up the good work |
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bunnie_i_am
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good, but sad to me, in a way. It remindes me of summer turning into fall, and I hate the cold! Is that what it's about? Well I really like it.
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But as darkness creeps in,
the flowers stop dancing,
but the earth lives on. |
this is wear I thought of fall. I like it, Keep up the good work.
bunnie |
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