Young Writers Society

News:

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!

Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers

by Warrior Princess in Science-Fiction


	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on August 22, 2008

Beep.

Topic ID: 34892

View previous topic :: View next topic

Author

Message

sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
Speaker of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 697
Reviews: 368
Country: Wunderbar!
375 Points

Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:17 am Post subject: Beep.

I just wrote this while I was procrastinating on editing my novel. I tried to make it look like it had a certain symmetry with lines and stuff, but if it looks stupid let me know. A short piece, but I kinda like it. Anyway, enjoy! Cheers, MademoiselleKool Beep. Beep.. Beep… The loneliest sound in the world. Beep…. Beep….. Beep…… It’ll drive me crazy any second here, I just know it will. I’ll just snap. Beep……. Beep…….. Beep……… Even though it’s a quiet sound, each time it occurs it’s like a sledgehammer driving a very large stake through my scull. Beep………. Beep……….. Beep………… I wish it would never come back, yet I wait with bated breath for each new ‘beep.’ Beep equals life, I kept reminding myself. That’s what they always said, anyway. Beep equals life. Yeah, right. Beep equals a pitiful half-life that I, by all rights, shouldn’t even be living. Beep equals life. Beep…………. Beep………….. Beep…………… “As long as you hear that beeping, you’re okay.” I remember the hearty voice of that annoying doctor - stupid know-it-all. Never work with people like me unless you’re missing at least one limb, that’s my doctor-policy. This guy was all arms and legs and broad shoulders, tan skin, broad grin. He thought it was funny, that something like a little ‘beep’ would mean life. Beep……………. Beep…………….. Beep……………… Not funny to me, buster. Not funny at all. Do you see a grin on my face right now? I could almost reach out with my remaining fist and pound that smile right off your know-it-all face, doc. You should just be glad I’m avoiding enmity with higher beings right now. Namely God. You said that like it was a joke - “just listen for the beep, son. You’ll be fine.” Ha. Fine. Now that almost made me smile. You’re making progress, doc. Almost funny, that. “You’ll be fine.” Beep………………… Beep…………………. Beep………………….. Yep, you said it like a joke, but now it resounds through my head. I know I won’t last the hour. I’m straining for each ‘beep,’ wanting it to happen, wanting it never to happen again. I watch the seconds on the clock, and I know the ‘beeps’ are getting further and further apart. I’m counting them, now. Before this terrible… thing… happened, this… accident - I would have laughed at the idea of a simple, repetitive sound taking up my every waking thought. Now all my interest is tied intently up in that little noise. It’s slowing even more, now. Seconds and seconds pass between each one. Beep………………………… Beep…………………………. Beep………………………….. Ha. I can feel a strange feeling come over me - a dramatic speech coming on. Nobody to give it to, though. I’m here all alone, my queer body and my queer mind and my ‘beeps’ for company. I wonder why people always feel compelled to do that whole dramatic speech thing at their deaths? It seems like they’d be paying more attention to their eternal damnation or whatever than what their living companions will think of them. I mean, they’ll be dead, after all… WAIT. There’s only silence. No beeps. What’s the problem? I’m frantic, but I can’t move. I’m heavy. I can’t move. Come on, I think. Life was so hard, it owes me one more. One more beep. Come on. Count the beeps. Beep equals life. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
_________________ "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." ~Albert Einstein

patience_isnt
Senior Writer

Gender:

Age: 14
Joined: 10 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 26
Country: Canada
300 Points

Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:53 pm Post subject:

Interesting. Ironic how the MC hates them at first, then is waiting for another one, is begging for another one to come along. I really liked it. The reader can connect really well, even if they haven't had a near-death experience, because of the loathing of something one minute, then the begging for the same thing the next. I didn't find any grammar mistakes, which is great. It shows that you've taken the time to reread your short story before posting it. But I don't think it looks stupid, I just woulndn't have realized it without you pointing it out. Anyways, I look forward to reading more of your work.
_________________ "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you girls doing?" "Peeing on a stick, you wanna try?" -My C, Nick, and MC, Kayla.

salsashanno
Senior Writer

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Posts: 110
Reviews: 42
Country: here, not there
300 Points

Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 3:15 am Post subject:

Ohh, I liked this! It was different! It took me a minute at first to get that the beeps were the beeps of the whatchamacallit machine, but once I read the first few lines everything was cleared up. I liked that the beeps meant that the MC still had life, but really they were his/her whole life, just listening for those beeps. Kind of ironic, eh? Anyway, good job! Keep writing! -Shannon
_________________ "A wild thing may say wild things."

ImaginativeInsanity
Novice

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4

300 Points

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 1:09 am Post subject:

Wow... that was an amazing story. I loved it. The emotion you put into it was incredible. I could definitely feel the MC's annoyance, and turmoil, and hope, and desperation. It kept me captivated to the very last beep.

I also like the way you made the ... longer after every beep to show the time passing, but I didn't understand one thing: Why did you bold the last dot or two on some of the lines? It may just be me being a little slow, but I didn't really get that.

I only found one mistake:

Quote:

Before this terrible… thing… happened, this… accident - I would have laughed at the idea of a simple, repetitive sound taking up my every waking thought.

I'm pretty sure the hyphen should be a comma. But other than that, I think the grammar was perfect.

All in all, fantastic job!

_________________
Sometimes, I'll find myself wondering about the state of reality. Do I really exist, or am I simply a character in someone else's novel?
Then I stop and realize how boring a novel that would be.

Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend

Gender:

Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8649
Reviews: 2127
Country: USA
981 Points

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 1:19 am Post subject:

Fun idea! ^____^ At the moment, I think this is a little too gimmicky. First of all, I would get rid of the periods after beep. I see what you're doing, but it looks awfully sloppy, and you want to rely on solid writing. Next, I would keep only the first three beeps, with only one period after each beep. That is because every time the beeps get repeated, it makes it more hokey. Most of us (or at least your audience) knows what this sound is and by the first three times, if they don't know, they're silly and should probably not read your story. If you decide to keep all the beeps, I would at least get rid of the last beep. It's rather cheesy. I mean... I am not sure how you can end it, but you can end it in a way that is better and easier. Also, I would be interested in how the narrator came into the ER. So it wouldn't just be about him ranting about the doctor, which is slightly angsty, but of him lamenting over his condition and thinking about he could have avoided it. Anyway, those are my thoughts. Still, fun idea. ^^
_________________ "So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh Video Critiques by Yours Truly.

sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
Speaker of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 697
Reviews: 368
Country: Wunderbar!
375 Points

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 4:03 am Post subject:

Thanks so much for your great critiques! Snoink~ You expressed the deepest fear of my inner heart, haha. I was so worried they would be cheesy on paper. The thing is, I was hearing the whole thing in my head, and the last 'beep' would be a flatline, but it had such a different effect on paper. You have confirmed my suspicions of cheesiness, thank you. I'll play around with the format and stuff, see if I can make it any better. ImaginativeInsanity ~ The bold dots are just because of some fluke of my Word program, not on purpose at all. shrugs There wasn't any deeper meaning there. Everyone else ~ Thanks! Glad you enjoyed. Have good lives! Au revoir, MademoiselleKool
_________________ "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." ~Albert Einstein

xyberangel
Writer

Gender:

Age: 18
Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 77
Reviews: 59

300 Points

Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:11 am Post subject:

wow that was such a powerful story, Initially I thought it was something innocent like the beeping of a watch or alarm of some kind, until i realised it was something more serious. The repitition was powerful, and its true that you never realise what something so small means, except on life support. I loved the way you mixed the sadistic sarcastic humour with the serious of the story. lol about the different dots on the periods, it almost sounds like the variation in beeps, you know when your in those ER rooms, and the life support would hav that graph thing, and it sometimes goes beep, beep beep (fast), and then beep (slow). music i hard to express in words...... ~Flora

This thread was created on August 22, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction	All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

Jump to:

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum

This thread was created on August 22, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo

Bartemius says, No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him. - W. A. Nance