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Stars, pt. 2
Stars, pt. 2

by Jiggity in Science-Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on August 18, 2008
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jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:24 pm    Post subject: Trapped by Fate Reply with quote

I started this one about a year ago. I actually finished it...which for me, is an amazing thing. I know my chapters can be a bit long, i'll work on that. Hope ya like.

Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens in Seekonk, Massachusetts. The biggest thing that usually happens is two boys getting into a fight at a party over a pretty girl with low self-esteem. I only have one more year of school then I graduate. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or what collage I want to go to, if college is what I want to do.

My Spanish teacher had given us busy work to keep us, you guessed it, busy. I already finished mine ten minutes ago, as per usual. So I began reading my book that has been very difficult for me to put down. I’ve turned into such a book worm since I started working at the little book shop, Lilith’s Book Shop, down the street from my house. It is mostly Wiccan things that I had no real interest in. We don’t really get any customers besides the local ‘witches.’

We hold everything from candles to leather bound diaries to mandrake substitution. (What ever that is) I thought I’d humor the store and I picked up a copy of teenage witch and read it while I was working at the counter. Witches speak a completely different language than regular people. The author threw words around like Esbats and deosil. I found the book hilarious.

When the bell rang, I left my work on the teacher’s desk and darted out the door. Quickly walking down the hallway to my locker, waving to familiar faces that acknowledges my existence, I saw my best friend Stephanie standing at her locker. Most likely waiting for her boyfriend, Matt.

“Hey, Steph. What’s going on?” I asked with a smile.

She replied with one as well, “Hey! Matt went home sick. I was wondering if you could give me a ride home.”

“No problem. Is Matt okay? I hope it’s nothing serious.” I said as we started to walk to my locker.

“Oh, no of course it’s not serious. But you know how much of a baby Matt can be. One little sneeze and it’s in bed for a week.” We both laughed and I turned the lock on my locker. I did the three digit combination and it opened easily. I threw my book and notebook at the bottom, grabbed my sweatshirt and shut the blue locker door.

“What, no homework? Or are you just blowing it off again?” she smiled as she teased. She was right; I was blowing it off, again. “You are never going to get good grades when you have a zero as a homework grade.” She said, also very true. At my school, my teachers make homework a very big part of our final average.

“Thanks for the reminder, Miss Hypocrite.” I said trying to hold back a smile.

“I do all of my homework, thank you.” I nudged her arm, “Okay, almost all of my homework.” We both laughed as we walked past the main office, which reminded me that I had to give them a note that my father gave to me this morning. It was asking if the guidance department if they would watch my grades.

“I have to give a note to the secretary. You can wait at my car; it will just be a second.” She nodded and continued to walk. I turned and walked into the office.

There was a boy standing at the desk that I didn’t recognize. He was tall, with curly brown hair. He didn’t look like he really belonged to Seekonk, so I didn’t look at his face. I knew basically everyone in our school. Although very few of them would be able to pick me out of a crowd.

I waited for the secretary at the front desk and that boy to stop talking. I was standing there not even a minute when the lady peeked around the boy to look at me. “Oh! Miss Rodriguez, You have the note from your father? I have to give it to the guidance office right away.” I nodded, “Good, he called me about it earlier.” Typical dad. He didn’t trust me at all, not even to give some one a note.

The boy turned around to look at me. My eyes caught his stare. He was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. His eyes were a dark chocolate brown, almost looked black. His long curly hair surrounded his pearly white face, which had no color. He looked almost unnatural. He had a T-shirt on that was tight enough that there was a hint of muscle. I think I started to drool.

“Well, Selena, are you going to give it to me or just stand there?” I could tell I was in a trance-like state. Once his eyes left mine I was able to move.

I pulled the note out of my pocked, “Mr. Swan, I believe we are done here. Your first day is tomorrow.” I handed her the note, inches from the boy. I could tell he was aware of our closeness because he backed away and wasn’t breathing. Good going, Selena

“Where are my manners?” she asked herself, “William this is Selena Rodriguez. She is one of our smarter students.” She said with a smile. I kept my head down; I didn’t want to be dazed by his eyes again. That would be embarrassing, more embarrassing than having the secretary say I was a ‘smarter’ student. Which is a lie, I am average. Plain Selena.

“And this is William,” she continued, “William Swan. He is our new student. He is a senior as well, maybe you could show him around tomorrow.” I froze. This couldn’t get any worse. Now this beautiful creature must think I am a geek and a teachers pet or something along those lines. I had to respond but there was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t let any words out. I looked up at her and smiled.

“Great, make sure you come here first thing so that I can write you a pass, you’ll be late to a few of your classes I assume.” I sneaked a look at William. He seemed just as embarrassed as I was, but his face wasn’t as red as I could feel mine was. His face still had no color at all. The secretary walked away and William and I both turned to walk out the door, but he paused.

“Ladies first.” He said. The creature speaks! His voice was velvety, almost as hypnotic as his appearance. I smiled and walked through the door. He followed behind me. My face was boiling with embarrassment. My heart started to race and my palms were clammy. I was nervous, and it showed.

“If you don’t want me to follow you around all day tomorrow, it’s okay. The school doesn’t seem that big.” He smiled a crooked smile. My heart skipped a beat at the unfathomable beauty of this smile.

A shiver went down my spine before I could speak, “It is tinny compared to any school on the planet.” A full smile flashed across his face as we walked outside to the student’s parking lot.

I could see Steph sitting on the hood of my 79’ corvette. My father bought if for me but I have to pay for gas and repairs. He only gave me enough money to get to and from school and these days, gas is expensive.

This morning when I parked my car, no one was parked near it. I park so far away from the school, just to keep it safe. However, there was silver 2003 mustang parked next to it. Stupid rich kids that just have to show off their parent’s money. I had to basically rebuild my car, it was still in flat black primer.

“My car is all the way down there.” He said, pointing to the mustang and corvette

“You have a mustang?” I asked half surprised. By his appearance, I should have assumed that he was rich. I had to jog just to keep up with his pace.

"Yes, I bought if off some guy real cheap." he noticed my jogging and slowed down. "I'm guessing the corvette is yours?"

I nodded, "It’s a work-in-progress." we continued to walk. I could tell that he was struggling to walk slowly to stay next to me.

"You work on cars, like a mechanic?"

I smiled and giggled to myself.

"I guess you could say that."

Ever since I could remember I've been around cars. My father's passion is cars. I would always have to be up and ready to work by six thirty every Saturday morning. But I have a good understanding about cars, they are less complicated than boys are.

As we got closer, Steph jumped off the hood and ran to me.

"Selena, who’s your friend?" she asked, staring down William.

"Steph, William. William, Steph. He is a new student and the owner of that shinny thing." They both smiled; he seemed to have an interest in her. I walked to the driver's door and unlocked it.

I wanted to get to know William more, to 'sink my teeth into him’, as my friends would say. It wouldn’t be long before all the girls noticed him and wanted a piece of him. "So, I'll see you tomorrow morning?" I asked him. He finally looked away from Steph and caught my stare. He looked confused, as if he didn’t know I left his side.

"Yes." he smiled, which of course made my heart jump, "first thing."

I got into my car and Steph did the same. I turned the key and drove away. Every few seconds I glanced at the mustang in my rear view mirror. He followed me up the street until an intersection. I went left, he went right.

"He seems nice." Steph said, staring out the window.

"Do I need to remind you that you already have a boy friend that is wanted by every girl in school?" She sighed and turned on the stereo. Since her and I are in the ‘punk’ stereotype we listen to the heavy metal punk music. Obviously they haven’t come up with the right radio station for our type of music yet.

I dropped her off at her house and made plans to hang out tomorrow after school tomorrow. I loved the fact that I didn’t have a back seat. No one ever asked me for a ride except for Steph. I couldn’t tolerate any one else asking.

When I got home my father left me a note asking me to fix the television. Apparently my father sat on the remote and now there are subtitles and he doesn’t know how to turn them off.

After I fixed the television I had something to eat and continued to read my book. I don’t have the fabulous life of a normal teenager, but it kept me from taking out my car.

My sister and mother passed away five years ago and ever since I had been taking care of my father. My sister was two years older than I was and we were best friends. They died in a car accident that my father blames me for, well, only when he’s drunk. My father usually works all the time and when he isn’t working he’s drinking. His way of not thinking about it. He has been really sick too. He takes depression medication, the doctors’ think that he might try to commit suicide. I don’t believe what they say.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So, I guess its a no-go on this book huh?
oh well, got to have some that arent that good to have others that are great.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I want to apologize for not catching this story earlier. I'll do a quick one over for you.

Quote:
Or what collage I want to go to, if college is what I want to do.

That first one says collage. Tiny error, but someones gotta catch them right?

Quote:
So I began reading my book that has been very difficult for me to put down.

The 'So' is unnecessary. It's another one of those words that doesn't really belong at the start of a sentence.

Quote:
Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens in Seekonk, Massachusetts. The biggest thing that usually happens is two boys getting into a fight at a party over a pretty girl with low self-esteem. I only have one more year of school then I graduate. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or what collage I want to go to, if college is what I want to do.

This whole paragraph is in the present tense, but the rest of it is in a retrospective tense.

Quote:
We hold everything from candles to leather bound diaries to mandrake substitution. (What ever that is)

Wait, is this supposed to be sold or hold? The parenthesis should also be put before the period.

Quote:
Quickly walking down the hallway to my locker, waving to familiar faces that acknowledges my existence, I saw my best friend Stephanie standing at her locker.

This sentence seems to be really long. You could try breaking it up into one or two different sentences.

Quote:
I did the three digit combination and it opened easily. I threw my book and notebook at the bottom, grabbed my sweatshirt and shut the blue locker door.

This seems like a very mundane half paragraph. It comes off as padding, and you don't need it.

Quote:
He didn’t trust me at all, not even to give some one a note.

Some one should be someone.

Quote:
I could tell I was in a trance-like state.

Well I hope that your character could tell whether or not she was in a trance-like state. How about the other people in the room?

Quote:
A shiver went down my spine before I could speak, “It is tinny compared to any school on the planet.”

A tinny is a few different things to different people, but to me it's a misspelled version of tiny.

Quote:
But I have a good understanding about cars, they are less complicated than boys are.

We're not THAT complicated. Ha ha. This though should be two sentences.

Quote:
"Do I need to remind you that you already have a boy friend that is wanted by every girl in school?"

Boyfriend.

Quote:
My sister and mother passed away five years ago and ever since I had been taking care of my father. My sister was two years older than I was and we were best friends. They died in a car accident that my father blames me for, well, only when he’s drunk. My father usually works all the time and when he isn’t working he’s drinking. His way of not thinking about it. He has been really sick too. He takes depression medication, the doctors’ think that he might try to commit suicide. I don’t believe what they say.

Wow, this is QUITE the bombshell. It's certainly going to make things interesting. It kind of sneaks up on the reader and it warrants more explanation. I don't know where you could put it where you can get a chance to better explain what's going on here. This might have to jump up a chapter.

All in all this is really well written. You can tell that you had time to sit on the story a little bit. At this point it doesn't seem like there's a lot that distinguishes your story from other peoples stuff. I take it that all that's forthcoming, so please go ahead and post some more. I'd love to see where you're taking it. Any questions let me know.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll do my best to get the next chapter up.
Mostly I post my older things when I have writers block.
Which, right now, I have it bad.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 12:00 pm    Post subject: Re: Trapped by Fate Reply with quote

Quote:
Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens in Seekonk, Massachusetts.


This could be a great introductory sentence or not, based on the audience. I think it's a sliiightly bit cliched, the whole, "i live in a really ordinary place and one day something amazing happens', but it really depend son how the story pans out, so keep it, because it certainly draws one in, and it's snappy.

Quote:
The biggest thing that usually happens is two boys getting into a fight at a party over a pretty girl with low self-esteem.


Good sentence.

Quote:
I only have one more year of school then I graduate. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Or what collage I want to go to, if college is what I want to do.


You spelt 'college' as 'collage'. It's with an e, not an a. Very Happy

Quote:
My Spanish teacher had given us busy work to keep us, you guessed it, busy.


Work isn't normally described as busy. I know you used the adjective so you could use the final clause in the sentence, maybe try to include it somewhere else?

Quote:
I already finished mine ten minutes ago, as per usual.


The 'per' makes it clunky. Just try 'as usual'.

Quote:
So I began reading my book that has been very difficult for me to put down.


Clunky. Try, "So, I began reading my book. It's been so difficult to put down since I started it. [/quote]

I’ve turned into such a book worm since I started working at the little book shop, Lilith’s Book Shop, down the street from my house. [/quote]

Repetition of book shop. Try, "I've turned into such a bookworm since I started working at Lilith's Book Shop, the little store down the street from my house". I like the addition of the fact she works at a Book Shop. it's quirky Very Happy

Quote:
It is mostly Wiccan things that I had no real interest in.


This might just be me, but this sentence doesn't really make sense.

Quote:
.We don’t really get any customers besides the local ‘witches.’


Aha.


Quote:
We hold everything from candles to leather bound diaries to mandrake substitution. (What ever that is)


Haha Laughing Fullstop after the bracket.

Quote:
I thought I’d humor the store and I picked up a copy of teenage witch and read it while I was working at the counter. Witches speak a completely different language than regular people. The author threw words around like Esbats and deosil. I found the book hilarious.


This is a fantastic paragraph but I'm really confused about your tenses at the moment. You started with present and now you're jumping to past? Try to figure out what tense it is. If you know, I'd be very happy to edit the whole chapter in whatever tense you intended it, but I can't really edit it, tense-wise, if I don't know which one you want. Very Happy

Quote:
When the bell rang, I left my work on the teacher’s desk and darted out the door. Quickly walking down the hallway to my locker, waving to familiar faces that acknowledges my existence, I saw my best friend Stephanie standing at her locker. Most likely waiting for her boyfriend, Matt.


Another great paragraph but again, it's in the past tense.

Quote:
“Hey, Steph. What’s going on?” I asked with a smile.


I think that, "I asked, smiling", sounds better. Personal opinion.

Quote:
The boy turned around to look at me. My eyes caught his stare. He was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. His eyes were a dark chocolate brown, almost looked black. His long curly hair surrounded his pearly white face, which had no color. He looked almost unnatural. He had a T-shirt on that was tight enough that there was a hint of muscle. I think I started to drool.


Very good description, but, does Edward Cullen come into this, my dear? Laughing Hehe *evil laugh*

Quote:
I pulled the note out of my pocked,


I believe you meant "pocket".

Quote:
“Where are my manners?” she asked herself, “William this is Selena Rodriguez. She is one of our smarter students.” She said with a smile.


"Where are my manners?" she said. "William, this is Selena Rodriguez. She is one of our smarter students." She smiled and I kept my head down. I didn’t want to be dazed by his eyes again. That would be embarrassing, more embarrassing than having the secretary say I was a ‘smarter’ student.

Quote:
Now this beautiful creature must think I am a geek and a teachers pet or something along those lines.


Now you're writing in present. Wink

Quote:
“Ladies first.” He said. The creature speaks!


Haha Laughing

Quote:
His voice was velvety, almost as hypnotic as his appearance.


Fabulosa insight there, Miss Jasmine. Very Happy

Quote:
My heart skipped a beat at the unfathomable beauty of this smile.


This is a bit cliched if you know what I mean. like, it's a bit too dramatic to seem realistic. Very Happy

Quote:
“It is tinny compared to any school on the planet.”


"Tinny" ? I think you meant "tiny". Heh. Funny if you meant tinny. Laughing

Quote:
"Do I need to remind you that you already have a boy friend that is wanted by every girl in school?" She sighed and turned on the stereo. Since her and I are in the ‘punk’ stereotype we listen to the heavy metal punk music. Obviously they haven’t come up with the right radio station for our type of music yet.


Fab paragraph.

Quote:
I don’t have the fabulous life of a normal teenager, but it kept me from taking out my car.


Slightly clunky sentence. I know, i'm not being very helpful! I can't really think of an alternative.



Anyway, this was great!!! Don't abandon it. Pretty please Very Happy

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Dreams are only memories of the plans I had back then.
Dreams are eraser dust and now I use a pen.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just to let everyone know, I wrote this before after Twilight, yes. But I hadn't read the rest of the series when I finished it. So if you notice simularties, keep that in mind.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jasmine-
This does seem like a twilight thing but only with the William thing. Other than that, it has nothing to do with that book.
I see that the others did the grammar parts. So, I guess there's nothing for me to be nick-picking with.
The last part about her father, I think I can guess what's going to happen to him. But it's only a guess.
Well, I'm off to read the next part.
-Merry
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