Topic ID: 34432
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angel
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 08 Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 3
Country: US
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: Evolution |
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*Edited but tweaked suggesitons to my liking
Peeling off the surface of my skin
Showing the scarred tragedy within
Arm feels numb
Red streaks from healing undone
Tears are plummeting from broken eyes
Innocence and lies
Superficial pain
Never daring to go all the way
You sit me down to hear your plea
Arms around to console me
Before you leave
Your lips are seeking one final taste
Rambling on of what is right
Never pausing to see the fright
If you look into my eyes you would see
You are slowly killing me
Evolution is your plan
Go to college and be a man
Date around
All you like; but I won’t be by your side
Four years I cannot abide
I’ve moved on
Never to be your future pride
You’re the one that lied
And guess what … you can stuff your evolution
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'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allm ---Alfred Lord Tennyson
Last edited by angel on Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:22 am; edited 2 times in total |
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listeningforthemuse
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Posts: 63
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: Re: Evolution |
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I liked this one.
It was like a punch to the gut; poor guy.
I like how you tend to conclude your poems with a powerful sentence.
You really drag it out, then...smack!
I like it.
Now, let the polishing begin!
| Quote: |
Peeling off the surface of my skin
Showing the tragedy within
Arm feels numb
Red streaks across |
What pattern are you doing, first off?
AABC? Because in the other ones you have some AAAB.
And some AABB. Please pick a pattern.
Its hard to help when I don't know what you're going for!
As for the rhythm and flow, it needs some work!
Do you like:
"Peeling off the surface of my skin
Showing the scarred tragedy within
My arms feel numb
Red streaks from the healing, undone"
I used a nine, nine, four, nine rhythm. In an AABB pattern.
Shall we stick to that?
| Quote: |
Tears plummet from broken eyes
Innocence and lies
Superficial pain
Never daring to go all the way |
Try this:
"Tears are plummeting from broken eyes
All the sounds of innocence and lies
superficial pain
Never daring to go all the way"
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You sit me down to hear your plea
Arms around me to console me
Before you leave
One final taste |
"As you sit me down to hear your plea
Your arms are circling to console me
Before you leave
My lips are seeking one final taste"
taste should probably be changed to rhyme with "leave"
But its your poem and I only want to change what I must.
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Rambling on
Of what is right
Never seeing the fright
If you look into my eyes you would see
You are killing me |
Before this, you were doing four-line stanzas.
I think that you should keep it that way.
Also, the rhythm doesn't quite flow in some parts.
How about:
"Rambling on of what is right
Never pausing to see the fright
If you'd look me in the eyes you'd see
How you are slowly... killing me"
Okay, so I broke the pattern.
Its not like I meant to!
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Evolution is your plan
Go to college and be a man
Dated around
All you like |
"So evolution is your plan
You'll go to college and be a man
Dated around
All you like; I'm still here where you began"
I don't know if that fits. sorry if it wasn't what you're going for.
But whatever, you don't have to do it... I'm just spouting ideas!
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You’ll wish I was there by your side
But don’t expect me to wait four years
For your return
I’ve moved on
I won’t take you back |
Last one:
"And you'll wish I was there by your side
But four years... I cannot abide
Now I've moved on:
I will never be your future bride"
| Quote: |
| And guess what … you can stuff your evolution |
This part shouldn't be touched.
Well, its a good poem.
I enjoyed reading it and reviewing it!
(way to stick it to the man!)
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"...she was a lovely lady, with a romantic mind and such a sweet mocking mouth..."
- 'Peter Pan' by J.M. Barrie |
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angel
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 08 Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 3
Country: US
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:02 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the suggetions I have no idea what you mean about A or B pattern.
I just right poetry for fun.
Just trying to get over some stuff so i write it all out. |
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'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allm ---Alfred Lord Tennyson |
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In_the_Moonlight
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it. This poem was deep and had an intense story to tell. The only problem i did have was that you tended to rhyme part of the section. This left the other part of the section kind of awkward.
Overall:
*detail was great
*clever
*creative
Nicely done! 
Plus I like the pic. I like how the tourniquet squeezes the heart. |
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Some people say, Save yourself and you save your life.
I say, Be yourself and you save your soul.
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http://4fantasyreadersonly.webs.com |
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angel
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 08 Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 3
Country: US
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:12 am Post subject: |
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Thank you and yes I was telling a story of a breakup.
BTW found that pic on google. |
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'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allm ---Alfred Lord Tennyson |
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