I'm not sure what to think at this point in my life.
I'm a little upset, confused, happy, and pressured. all these commanding emotions threatening to suffocate me at any moment. I'm trying to figure out who I am. I thought I knew but someone made me think again.
I used to think I was strong and nothing could touch me. But, all it takes is one person to reck everything, to make you rethink everything you once knew.
I used to not care about what people think, not even my friends. I always thought if they have a problem with me, then i have better things to do. It wouldn't cross my mind again. I could get people to do what I want. I was confident and no one messed with me.
But then someone new comes along and messes up everything you knew. Everything was going perfect in my life and HE had to come. My friends loved me, my family adored me, and the people that didnt like me avoided me so I never had to deal with them.
But HE came. I hated him, but at the same time I loved him. I found my self running faster in track to show off for him. Making myself a star soccer player just to make him watch me score. My friends were getting bored with me. I couldn't concentrate on them, I was too busy trying to beat HIM.
He was one of those people that was good at everything. Good athlete, good grades, popular, GORGIOUS, and how he teased me. Oh it made me so mad. He wasn't mean he was very nice but he teased me in a way I can't explain, get under my skin without anyone noticing. The whole world how no clue to the pain he was putting me through, though they were staring it in the face. Little comments that only him and I understood, but I loved him for it.
I was obsessed, in love I couldn't get him out of my mind. and then I found the courage to tell my friend about it. She couldn't have been a better friend to me, though I didnt know it at the time. She went behind my back and told him I liked him.
I was furious at her. But I got over it quickly when he asked me out. I couldn't believe it! I felt like I could fly all my problems were gone and my life was perfect, or so I thought.
We dated for quite a while and it was amasing. he was so romantic and perfect for me. I loved him! Then one day i opened my locker and a letter had been pushed in. It read...
My Parents are out of town. I rented some movies. Tell your parents your sleeping over at a friends house and come over tonight at 8 30. The door will be unlocked just come in.
I read the signature, It was from him! I did exactly as it said. I went over at 8 30 and opened the door. I didn't see him. "Maybe hes upstairs" i thought. i walked upstairs and opened his bedroom door.
It felt like I had died, I did die. There he was, my boyfriend, who I loved with all my heart, with my bestfriend! I lacked the energy to cry. I walked out with him soon running after me. "let me explain" he said. " I love you" he said. That was the first time in my life I had ever slaped someone across the face. I hated him!
I gave up the next morning, gave up everything. My friends were annoyed, i saw it in their faces, they didn't have to say a word. At track my coach pulled me aside saying I didn't look myself, That he had never seen me run so poorly. I told him I didn't get much sleep and was tired, which WAS true but not an explaination. It didn't help when I found out that my so-called-bestfriend was the one that had written the note. She had set me up. I felt horrible.
So the next day my friend called asking if I wanted to see a movie. after deleting my former best friend from my myspace xD I was out the door. We had a great time and she had invited some of her good friends to help cheer me up. I didn't even know them but I instantly connected with them.
It was a wake up call for me and I stared acting myself again. But I never did regain my confidence and self-esteem I once knew. But I met someone, someone fun and nice and his parents loved me and oh, it was just perfect.
He was really a miracle. pulling me out of my self pitty and putting me on a throne. He would take me to the mall and buy my beautiful things and he was so comforting.
He was the light of my life, but it seems my and happiness doesnt mix well. He came to me one day and announce he was moving. I was crushed. I didn't have time to react. Three weeks later he was gone. and it was back to my depressing state.
It wasn't long before my mother worked her way back into my life and set me and her bestfriends son up. I screamed at her for doing this behind my back but I ended up dating him anway. He was rich, his family was worth about 50 million dollars at the time and getting more and more each month. so naturly my mother was happy when she heard about us starting to date offically.
He would buy me expensive things all the time and take me to exotic places. But, I didn't love him. I feared dumping him cause, well simply I think my mother would have had a heart attack. Now my Mother truely loved him, I mean she called him son and everything. It was like we were allready married, except we didn't live together.
One day he picked me up in a limo and took me somewhere. He said it was a surprise. He put a blindfold on me and opened my door for me. We got out and he walked me into a building, then to a dark room. He took the blindfold off, which didn' help since the room was dark and then suddenly the lights came on and it blinded me for a moment
I opened my eyes and nearly hit the floor. We were in a fancy restaraunt, which seemed to be rented out. we were by one small table for two with lit candles. He got down on one knee. I couldn't control myself everything seemed to be spinning around me. All my pain came back, all the pain from my entire life hit at that momment. I had had 2 loves in my life and they both slipped away from me, and now a man I didn't love was about to ask me if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
Then he asked it,"Will you marry me?" those words made my heart sicken. I couldn't answer. For the first time I noticed my family, his family were all watching me. I looked at their smiling faces waiting for me to say yes. How could they be so happy? I felt like I was dying inside but they were so happy for me, so happy for him.
"yes." What else could I say? They were all watching me, waiting. I couldn't hurt them. They all loved me so much how could I tell them I didn't want our families to be together? I was crying, everyone assumed they were tears of joy as they congradulated me and complimented my new engagment ring.
So here I am now, engaged to a man because my family loves him and his family loves me. Will I be unhappy all my life with him? I'm so scared. How will I ever tell them I don't want to get married? I already sayed yes. I hate who I am with him. I'm not myself I get depressed the second we're in the same room together. I begin to fear my life ahead of me. I have no doubt in my mind he loves me. He treats me great. he goes and buys me things I don't need and spoils me. He's so great. So, why do I dread being with him?
Thank you for reading, please visit my blog. and reviews would be appriciated! xD
