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Clouds.01
Clouds.01

by Jiggity in Narrative Poetry
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This thread was created on August 12, 2008
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Sweat and Ice

Topic ID: 34371
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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:48 pm    Post subject: Sweat and Ice Reply with quote

Don't be mad people, okay? I'm just playing around with this. I'm still working on the others - this was a brief escape.

Chapter One

He loved her, that I could see. The way he watched her hands, the smile on his lips when she spoke, just the glow in his eyes were all obvious signs. They were all things I had seen before, on numerous faces. I had watched and known love all my life. I knew what to expect, how to act if it were me.

But it would never be me. I could never dare to hope that someone would look at me that way - at least not a human man.

They were so beautiful. Their skin looked so soft; whenever I watched them I always had to resist the urge to reach out and touch them. The slaves I could have touched if I had wanted, of course, but they were all frightened of me and cringed away. Their skin was hard from labor, anyway.

The man I was staring at from the sewer grate on the side of the street wrapped his arm around his woman’s waist. They both walked out of my line of sight.

Sighing, I stepped away from my spy perch. The tunnel around me was dark in the fading twilight, and I could hear the faint sound of water sliding down the walls. Not a pleasant place to spend my time, for certain, but the view was the best I could get in these tunnels. All the others my father had placed guards at - most of them led to the outside. Many of our young had wandered into the human world and had been taken.

My sister had been the last child to disappear.

Father had forbidden everyone to go up now. There were times when I could have thrown on a coat and a scarf and walked out among them - unless touched, our kind went unnoticed. But now… I was resigned to staring at them from sewers.

The sound of approaching footsteps alarmed me, and I sunk back into the shadows, pasting a bored, nonchalant expression on my face.

The troll came around the corner and jerked to a halt, smelling the air. I couldn’t see who it was; we all had horrible eyesight.

“Megan?” the troll called softly.

I relaxed when I realized it was only my cousin, Seth. “Oh. What are you doing here?” I left the shadows and walked to him, straightening my long hair and pulling my skirt down from where it had wrinkled around my knees.

He eyed me, as if he knew what I had been up to. “Your father is looking for you. There’s something wrong with Rose.”

The news didn’t surprise me; small Rose had been a sickly troll since birth. “Where is Ann?” I asked him. “Why can’t she--”

“Ann is fading,” Seth interjected quickly. No doubt he was glad of it. Ann was not a favorite among the York Trolls. But I experienced an odd moment of sadness. I instantly shook the feeling off. Trolls weren’t supposed to mourn the passing of a friend. Fading was an honorable way to leave the York. It meant that our gods were taking them home for doing a job well done. Ann had completed her task of nursing the York Trolls, and her time to fade had come.

“Megan!” Seth suddenly hissed, grabbing my arm and jerking me back. Startled, I let out a small sound of annoyance. I followed Seth’s gaze to the sewer opening. There a hand reached down a picked up a coin lying on the cement. My heart leaped in my throat.

The hand merely picked up the silver coin and moved out of sight. “Penny for your thoughts!” a male voice called out, laughing.

My shoulders slumped, and I shook off Seth’s hold on me. He dropped his hand, embarrassed.

“I guess I’ll go see to Rose,” I mumbled, pushing past my cousin to walk down the tunnel.

“Don’t forget to see your father,” Sethmumbled after me. “He said he had something to tell you.”

I waved in dismissal, and shoved past a guard that had been standing somewhere behind me as I watched the humans. He had been my personal guard since I was a child.

“We’re going to the infirmary, Eustace,” I told him. He didn’t reply, as was his custom, and followed me, which was also custom.

Before I left the tunnel, I threw one last longing glance at the sewer opening, and looked at the fluorescent lights that lit the street. They were lights that were the only bright thing of my dark, underground life.


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sokool15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh...*sigh* KJ, why aren't you, like three different people, so you could continue all of your novels at once! That was lovely. Sad, though. Did the first chapter just pop into your head, and you had to write it down? Razz That happens to me a lot.

Anyway, a nice job. I won't bother to go through with a line-by-line, because it sounds like you're not continuing it. I will say that I like the idea of the trolls, because of how traditionally unromantic they are. You always think of trolls as these huge, ugly monsters, brutes even, with no thought in their heads but beating people up. Your trolls are very different though, and it made me really interested to see where it was going! People are always writing about vampires and werewolves wishing they could live normal lives, because those creatures are beautiful and swift and graceful and mysterious and romantic etc etc etc. Creative, original, I like it so far.

Yeah. Um. I'm gushing. I'll leave now.

Yours ever,
MademoiselleKool Cool

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 11:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, this is the story you told me about Wink Now I am really exited to read this!

It was a very good beginning. At first, it sounded a lot like East and I was afraid that you might have to change some things to make it your own. But then as you continued, it got much more unique so I have no complaints there.

I do think that you might need to go more in depth about Megan’s fascination with male humans. It seemed to be only about their skin, which is fine, but I feel as though that is a very East thing so you might need to add more to that.

Otherwise, wonderful job, Kels. Your writing continues to improve and I just can’t get over how your mind continues to come up with such amazing story ideas! Very Happy

Keep up the Good Work!

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praisejoe   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hi, KJ i quite love this work of yours.

i am praisejoe, a nigerian. your work was very intresting i must remark and also captivating.

i don't also have to edit it line by line.

i loved the way you actually wrote it in the most intresting manner. just brush up your writing skills and thats all.

thanks, my dear. cheers

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:51 pm    Post subject: Re: Sweat and Ice Reply with quote

firstly, like others, I love the idea of using trolls as your main characters. During this beginning section you have already begun to erase the idea of trolls being the stereotypical ugly, large creatures with no heart.
I love the idea you are building here, it is very intriguing.
I don't understand the title, but that isn't too much of a problem I don't think and one that is easy to sort out.
One thing I will say that although you have included good detail, it would be nice to hear about the sewers, other than the obvious. If the trolls live there and there is an infirmary, i take it that the sewers are not like the ones we hear of. I think that if you included just a small amount of detail hinting this then it would add slightly more of an atmospere.

Overall, I really like it. I'll look forward to finding out more about your unusual characters!!
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Firestalker   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

:Sigh:

Almost wanted it to continue but when i came to the end i guessed it was a short story that end here, where it had started. If i am wrong of course correct my mistake. Anyway i was too taken into it to critique it line by line so if there were errors then i most likely have missed most of them. But the story was very mind catching. Wish i could write like this. Wink Wink

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*breaks into applause*

Very original I really liked it. You did have a typo along the way:

“Don’t forget to see your father,” Sethmumbled after me. “He said he had something to tell you.”

Make sure you seperate Seth and mumbled.

This story was detailed and descriptive. Very nice, I hope you continue with it. If you do PM me I would love to read it and of course, critique it. *lets out an evil laugh*

Good Luck with your writing!

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This thread was created on August 12, 2008

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