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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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 Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:46 am Post subject: Fortuitous Graves |
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I am the empty casket of your affections
twisted with the dust of misfortune.
You were the Lady Luck to my Eros;
I had the passion but you had
the miracles that placed us together.
The flag of Fates lies over me now,
woven with the destiny I fulfilled
against the moments I passed over.
And I am hollow.
In the end, they whisper, luck
abandons us all. |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 12:06 pm Post subject: |
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Ooo...Latin? Methinks? -That is an actual word. I read it in 'The Tempest' by Shakespeare. Hehe. How's life?
Well this is very intriguing indeed. I can tell that a lot of thought and consideration has been put into every line. The vocabulary is rich. The poetic contemplation is great. Well done on that score.
The question is, did it work? My own take on it was the futitlity of fate and luck, and how it can give it all to us, yet take it away. This line made me think for a while:
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I am the empty casket of your affections
twisted with the dust of misfortune. |
The imagery is gentle and rich. I loved it, even if I only understood it at face value.
Love the personification in this one:
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You were the Lady Luck to my Eros; |
So, in short, I really did like this. It's something very different and unique, and introduced the concepts of luck and destiny to me which I rarely ponder. Thanks for a great poem.
Love,
Eimear |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hello my dear! A critique, just for you:
The title: I love it. Your word choice is perfect. It's intriguing, it's pivotal to the poem and already there's a gorgeous eerie feel to the poem. Good choice.
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I am the empty casket of your affections
twisted with the dust of misfortune. [Very pretty phrasing and it blends perfectly with your title. An excellent introduction.]
You were the Lady Luck to my Eros; [The personification is nice and I absolutely adore the Greek mythology reference.]
I had the passion but you had
the miracles that placed us together. [Good expansion. However, I'm not sure that miracles quite fits with the traditional 'lady luck' image. Maybe consider 'the good fortune' or simply fortune if you want to be more subtle and play with puns. Or perhaps try and fit 'providential' into there or it might be interesting to have a think about lucky talismans? Maybe 'I had the passion but you had/ the talisman that brought me to you.' And also 'had' is a little plain.]
The flag of Fates lies over me now, [Hmmm. I think this could be stronger. Perhaps 'The flag of Fates covers me now,/ pressed as tightly to my skin as you once were,']
woven with the destiny I fulfilled
against the moments I passed over. [You do have such a wonderful way with words. I love 'passed over' and all its connotations of death and misery.]
And I am hollow.
In the end, they whisper, luck
abandons us all. [Perhaps this is me being silly but I'd love to see you place a dash between us and all.] |
In general, I have little advice. The depth of meaning in this poem is wonderful and well weighed against your wording and the atmosphere. I think it could be extended and that you could dip a little further into the deeper details of your characters and their lives. But it's very good.
Heather xx
p.s. Let me know if you make any changes. I'd love a second read. |
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[jacob]blackisthenewpink
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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Hi!
Um, I know I don't know you personally, and I haven't read anything else by you, but WOW.
That poem was beautiful! *hyperventilates*
Poetry/Songwriting is one of the main things that I write and read, and your piece is seriously on its way onto my best friend's creepy Rhyme Shrine (it's a long story).
I do think kitty and Eimear said it all as to critique. The main point of this review was to let you know how much I loved it. XD
I disagree with kitty in saying that 'I had the passion but you had/the miracles that placed us together' should say 'good fortune'. That was actually my favorite part, because I feel that people generally say that events caused by huge amounts of luck and chance are 'miracles'. So, please don't change that line. It has a kind of...satire, I guess. Because humans want so much for there to be a higher power or god, they'll believe anything is the work of a celestial force.
Sorry. I have a lot of psychological theories. 
I'll just shut up now.
Kudos.
~Noah~ |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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I'm going to be outrageously useless.
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| The flag of Fates lies over me now |
To me it reads better as: The flag of Fate lies over me now, so it keeps you from repeating the -s ending sound. It just look strange as you have it, imo.
And here comes the uselessness. ^^ I can't really pick out what this poem is about - in wider terms than fate, luck, and love, as well as absence - and I can't find anything to really...pull apart. I'm indifferent to it? Which sounds horrible. But you understand, I hope? I have nothing else I can offer. #_# Oh, but I love "Eros" more than "Cupid" so you get points. ^_~ |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 1:02 am Post subject: |
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Thank you everyone! You all rock for reviewing and commenting.
I'm glad that you liked it, and I'm looking at the possible revisions now. Thank you once again, your comments are overtly appreciated. .
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 6:08 am Post subject: |
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I really really like the second stanza, since it's simplistic and pleasing. Your first stanza, however, has too many metaphors and it seems cluttered. Plus, it doesn't sound pretty. If you read the poem out loud, it doesn't roll off your tongue. In fact, it's rather forced. I'm... not quite sure what you can do with this stanza, since it's so overfilled with metaphors that I am not sure what you're saying. I suggest throwing that stanza out and trying over, this time focusing on one metaphor and running with it.
Sorry... ^^;; |
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Caligula's Launderette
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| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 2:51 am Post subject: |
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This has been in the 'To Critique' box for way too long, but finally I have it finished.
THE FLOW
There are a few line which I have pointed out that don't flow well together, at all. Perhaps you can break up the thought from one long one into two separate ones. Also, now that I think about it S1 L8, could be cut out altogether.
Edit: Now that I think about it some more, affections in S1 L1 would make the linebreak issue pretty much resolved to me if it was changed to affection.
Hope this helps.
Ta,
Cal. |
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scribblingquill
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| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:05 pm Post subject: |
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the last lines of speech are brilliant and powerful, and i love how its tied in with the lady Luck part earlier on, it really adds a lot more meaning and weight.
I'd love to see you elaborate on this, make it more narrative and more explained. |
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