Topic ID: 3435
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PsyLynx
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 30 Jan 2005 Posts: 285 Reviews: 205
300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 4:01 pm Post subject: Mouth-Water Laffetty Taffetty Cult |
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6-22-05 (First day of summer)
The night sank with a fast, speedy train cycle
and his mind didn’t know itself anymore,
it was good, it was Eden, beneath a moon turned the color of decay
(black and sculpted, like a model’s beautiful black–
)hey, it’s time for pie.
I’ve found you in a corner of the bathroom,
I’ve found you in a place called colours
I see orange tigres burning bright
above our mother-fucking black sky.
The heartbeat of a strummer’s bass-line delight
the wrinkling anticipation that caused us all to fade with you
behind the silver-blue night-time starburst.
Losing myself in raps of multi-color
crayon-line lies.
A crying mother who saw death ring the night
of her baby’s blue nursery, screamed to the heavens “dude, saw her away.”
She screamed a cacophony of us, alone.
***
I’m losing the flag of union
beneath a few long-lost dreams of loneliness,
I miss you, man of the deepest cave. |
Last edited by PsyLynx on Thu Sep 01, 2005 5:10 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Chevy
science, again. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Nov 2004 Posts: 1621 Reviews: 663 Country: b'ham, england 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 3:55 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, wow Brett! That was amazing. It was very easy-going and straight to the point. The M-F part didn't really fit for me but oh well. The poem was awesome. I think it's the best I've read by you.
"A crying mother who saw death ring the night
of her baby’s blue nursery, screamed to the heavens “dude, saw her away.”
She screamed a cacophony of us, alone. "
Was my favorite. |
_________________ when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up. |
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Liz
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 493 Reviews: 321 Country: The land down under 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 7:50 am Post subject: |
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| I agree. Wow. So many abstract thoughts that really make a lot of sense when you think about them. Really original too, great job! |
_________________ purple sneakers |
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Sgt.Pepper
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 18 Feb 2005 Posts: 112 Reviews: 49
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2005 2:02 am Post subject: |
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Yes, unique creativity comes from unique things(nudge,nudge). I think the "language" (motherfucker) somewhat brought the poem down, and it would be better without. Anyways other than that, the abstratness all worked out well
Thanks for posting, well done, and keep on writing in the free world. |
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Jennafina
it's not you, it's Utah Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 30 Jun 2005 Posts: 2206 Reviews: 617 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this peom a lot, this part was my favorite.
The heartbeat of a strummer’s bass-line delight
the wrinkling anticipation that caused us all to fade with you
behind the silver-blue night-time starburst.
Losing myself in raps of multi-color
crayon-line lies.
I like the part about the bass especially. The MF didn't seam to fit in with the rest though.. |
_________________ "As idle as a painted ship, upon a painted ocean. There's no wind, Mr. Bracegirdle. We are becalmed."
Storybook Writers' Guild
Nate for '08! |
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Elizabeth
Epic Novelist
 Gender:  Age: 29 Joined: 07 Dec 2004 Posts: 3024 Reviews: 1160
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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Pretty amazing for some dude who still had the effects of drugs in him.
Heh, yeah the MF part that was about it that didn't do for me. Like Chevy and Jen said and stuff....
Yeah nice job man. |
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Caligula's Launderette
the extemp queen Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 13 Apr 2005 Posts: 2338 Reviews: 498 Country: how should I know, I don't even know where my socks are half the time? 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 4:05 am Post subject: |
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I swear I critiqued this...oh well I guess I'm just losing my mind again.
Here it is then...
I really like this phrase "beneath a moon turned the color of decay"
and the one about orange tigres reminded me of william blake's tiger poem.
great poem, really nice words.
cheers CL |
_________________ Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
Got YWS? |
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