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Pretty People - Commiseration
Pretty People - Commiseration

by anti-pop in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on August 11, 2008
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The Albino- Luci & Hunter

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RaggleFraggle   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:12 pm    Post subject: The Albino- Luci & Hunter Reply with quote

The Albino:

Luci & Hunter

Hunter LaZevan

Chapter one-

She went running up the stairs to the small , crampt room Hunter slept in. " Hunter! Get up, your girlfriend wants her money! " she shouted harshly.

" Oh shut up you little..... what ever!" Hunter shouted back

She slammed into his door and started to beat her fist into the hollow wood. He finally swung the door open and pushed her aside. He ran down the stairs and jumped over all the boxes of stuff that had been sitting in the small apartment for 2 years now.

Standing at the front door was Hunter's gorgeous girlfriend. Her long blonde hair was messy and undone, part of it was covering her dark brown eyes. As pretty as she was she dressed like a skank off the cornor, with her extremely short skirt, tight halter top and knee high, black, leather boots.

She spoke with a cute high pitched voice like a 12 year old prep," you forgot your shirt your not gonna get to cold are ya?" she asked him innocently.

"are you kidding? It's hot!!! " He replied dramaticly. His sister stomped through the mess, her unnatural red hair swinging in a pony tail, her face was bright red causeing her bright blue eyes to seem even brighter. It was clear she was about to expload.

Hunter grabbed his girlfriend's waist," we better run, don't want to miss the concert, do we Anna . Later Sarah! "

They ran out to his car and drove away.

"oh he is so gonna pay." Sarah slammed the door shut as she stood inside.

Anna looked at Hunter very cautious and nervous," umm Hunter, I have to tell you something." He kept his eyes on the road ," sure babe, what is it?"

" I'm not sure this is the best time."

"oh come on you know you can tell me anything right? "

"yes but this is...bad"

" oh my god, what Anna? Please tell me it's nothing big."

"well, you know I love you right?"

He stopped at a red light, and tunred to her," yes i do, so please tell me." She grabed his hand," I..I'm..."

"You're what?!" The light changed green, he hit the gas." I'm pregnant."

They were driveing on a high narrow bridge, he sped up slowly clutching his hands on the wheel."By who?! After 4 years of everything! how could you do this?!"

" Hunter slow down your going over 80! Please stop the car!" Anna started to freak out."Fine!" He slammed on the breaks. The car spun off the bridge into the cold, rocky river below.

The car was ripped in half,straight down the middle. The part Hunter was in hit the water after rolling off the rocks. The other half sat still on the stones .

Daily news:

-16 year old Hunter LaZevan, and 15 year old Anna Keys found unconsious-

-in the Salem river, Salem Massachusetts. Anna, suprisingly only has minor -

-injurys, cuts and bruises. She also has a broken arm,nothing to serious but-

-later that night she died in the hospital.-

-Unfortunately Hunter , has both arms broken, a broken colar bone plus cuts -

-and bruises. Also is now in a coma. The people who witnessed this accedent-

-say the boy was driveing over 80 miles an hour and suddenly slammed on-

- the breaks . They heard the girl scream, and then the car flipped off the bridge.-

- Half the car fell into the river. The boy must not have been wearing his seat-

- belt because he fell on to the rocks and blood was streaming into the water.-

- the girl stepped out to see if Hunter was okay, but when she did she just fell-

- unconsious. The girl was also reportedly pregnant. It's a miracle the baby -

- some how suvived this tradgeic accedent. Anna had to give birth to the-

- baby girl, as Anna's health began to decrease. The girl was born 43 minutes-

- before the mother died.-

-It was a messy scene for the people of Salem.-

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ONE YEAR LATER

__________________________________________________________________________________

Luci Rose

Chapter two:

After one whole year Hunter finnaly woke up. It was dark outside, probably around midnight. He looked at all the machines around him. Hunter pulled all the plugs and needles attached to his skin. The lines all went dead as if his heart stopped beating. He walked out of the room he'd been lieing in all this time. When he stepped down his foot hit something ice cold. He had walked out side. There was snow on the ground. He only had on boxer shorts and no shirt. A sharp gust of wind blew through his brown hair that now reached his chin. He turned around to go back inside, but when he looked back there was nothing there."I must be dreaming!" He shouted. Hunter felt as if he were traped in an ocean of confusion. He fell to his knees." What happened? where is Anna? Where am I?" The questions raseing through his head were questions very few people knew the answer to. Hunter layed on the snowy ground and fell unconsious again.

" Are you alright Sir? Hello?"

Hunter woke up to the sound of a girl, she had a scratchy high pitched voice." what do you want?" he replied thinking it was his sister. "excuse me?!" the girl sounded repulsed. Hunter opend his eyes and saw a short, chubby, and very untidey little girl." Oh my god, I am so sorry! I thought you were my sister. I am so sorry."

"it's alright, i'm used to this. My name is Luci, what's yours?"

"my....oh my name, my name is Hunter. It's very nice to meet you Luci." Hunter sat upward tryig to get a better look at the girl." you're a very cute little girl,how old are you anyway?" Luci's face was blood red ,"umm....i'm 5..." Hunter smiled ," how did you get so shy all of a sudden?"

"oh ...uh well...you...uh...how old are you?"

"I'm 16 .....I think...... what year is it? Where am I?" suddenly all the questions and confusion returned.Luci looked at him in the most curious way "you're a very strange person, you know that?" He looked past her for a second, a tall boy was standing a few feet away . The boy walked with a fast pace toward them he stopped and grabbed luci's arm tightly and pulled her away," what are you doing with ...that?" The boy asked sharply."ow! please stop,Cameron you're hurting me!" He sqeezed her arm tighter and pulled her face up to his ," you go home now! and i will take care of him." he said to her then threw her to the ground , she ran quickly toward what looked to be a town. Hunter stood up," what is your problem? you can't just treat a little girl like broken toy!"

"I can treat my sister how ever i want to. Thats all she is anyways , an ugly, broken toy as you said. I don't want you around her ever again do you understand that? oh and put some clothes on would ya?" Hunters face twisted into an angry and embarassed expresion," Hey, hey,hey. Now you listen up! First of all no human being is broken, second she is defintaly not ugly, and third of all i don't have any."

Cameron threw a pair of old ripped up jeans and a black long sleeved jacket in the snow . " don't be a nice guy that wont get you any where here buddy, i'll tell you where to go if you promise to never come back. We got a deal?" There was a short slince. Hunter replied ", sure what ever. You seriously have problems or something."

" you're not the one to be talking, you dark skin freak. Any ways look, there is this dude named , Sora. To find him you have to go north to the moluntains. Once you get to the edge, you have to climb all the way to the top. Sora should be in an old beat up shack around the edge of the forest. If climbing to the top doesn't kill you, he might. Not like i care, good luck." Cameron walked away talking under his breath, "sucker he never make it, i almost feel sorry for him."

Home

chapter 3:

Cameron walked in the small empty house, it had been in a fire but most of it had survived. he slammed the door shut," Luci! Where are you?" He stepped around a corner ,and tried to open a door but it was locked. " Luci i'm not playing this game anymore, get out here or i wont give you any food. It's your choice."

"please go away" Luci asked in a small voice. " you're comeing out whether you like it or not! Luci open the door, now!"

"no" she had her back against the door trying to keep him out. Cameron started to push on the door. Luci couldn't hold it so she ran into a corner and held her self. The door flew open , he walked over to her slowly." Luci, why are you so afraid of me?If you stop trying to help and make things better then this wouldn't happen. now get up!" she cringed" i'm sorry!" He picked her up by her arm and put her against the wall to match his height. " Listen to me Luci. i only do this cause i love you. All i want in return is that you do what i say!" Luci started crying and she looked at the floor. Cameron slapped her face," look at me when i'm talking to you!" She let out a scream," it hurts!" Cameron dropped her " you can get your own food " He walked out of the room. Luci waited till he was gone, then she went through the window. She wanted to find Hunter.

There was something about him, he was so different. Everyone she ever knew despised her . People were so mean. But then he came, he was like a dream. Hunter was so nice and ... handsom. She had never seen someone so perfect. Luci liked Hunter, she was hopeing he would help her. SHe new exactly where Cameron told him to go.

She didn't want to go home, Luci had no home. Home was a place where you are loved, a warm place. That was completely opposite from that.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay. Interesting story. I enjoyed the storyline. I just have a few spelling and grammar corrections.


Quote:
She went running up the stairs to the small , crampt room Hunter slept in.



It should be "cramped." It might flow better to say "...the small, cramped room in which Hunter slept." But either way works.



Quote:
" Hunter! Get up, your girlfriend wants her money! "



Don't put a space between your quotation marks and your first word. Also, you never explain what money his girlfriend wants.


Quote:
Oh shut up you little..... what ever!" Hunter shouted back


"What ever" should be one word, and there should be a period after "back."


Quote:
As pretty as she was she dressed like a skank off the cornor



There should be a comma between "she" and "was." I think "cornor" should be "corner."


Quote:
She spoke with a cute high pitched voice like a 12 year old prep," you forgot your shirt your not gonna get to cold are ya?" she asked him innocently
.


I'm pretty sure you need a period after "prep" instead of a comma, because it's a sentence without the dialogue. Therefore, "you" should be capitalized, and there should be a period after "shirt."


Quote:
"are you kidding? It's hot!!! " He replied dramaticly.



"are" needs to be capitalized. I'm not sure, but I don't think "He" should be capitalized.



Quote:
her unnatural red hair swinging in a pony tail




I think it should be unnaturally.


Quote:
her face was bright red causeing her bright blue eyes to seem even brighter



Causing.

Quote:
Hunter grabbed his girlfriend's waist," we better run, don't want to miss the concert, do we Anna .

Once again, you need a period before the dialogue, not a comma. "we better run," should be "We'd better run." You're getting a little bit in run-on land, so "Don't want to miss the concert, do we Anna." Should be a sentence on its own. I think That there should be a question mark here too because the last part is a question.

Quote:
"oh he is so gonna pay." Sarah slammed the door shut as she stood inside.


There should be a comma after "oh." I'm not entirely sure that you need "as she stood inside." It sound fine to just say, "Sarahn slammed the door shut." But do what you will. I like Sarah's character. Something about her interestes me.

Quote:
Anna looked at Hunter very cautious and nervous," umm Hunter, I have to tell you something."

It should be "very cautiously and nervously." You could also simply say that she looked at Hunter very timidly. You also need a period before the dialogue, or you could say, "Anna looked at Hunter very cautiously and nervously as she said..."

Quote:
He kept his eyes on the road ," sure babe, what is it?"


"...road."
"sure" needs to be capitalized.

Quote:
"oh come on you know you can tell me anything right? "

There should be a comma after "oh," and a period after "come on." Therefore, "you" should be capitalized. There should be another comma after "anything."


Quote:
"well, you know I love you right?"

"you, right?"


Don't need a comma between light and turned. "tunred" should be "Turned."

Quote:
They were driveing on a high narrow bridge


"Driving."
Put a comma between high and narrow.

Quote:
" Hunter slow down your going over 80! Please stop the car!" Anna started to freak out


You need a comma after "Hunter" and a period after "down."


Quote:
The car was ripped in half,straight down the middle. The part Hunter was in hit the water after rolling off the rocks. The other half sat still on the stones .


I like the use of the word "ripped" here. It makes the car sound weak and small compared to the rocks.
Instead of "The part Hunter was in..." you might want to say "Hunter's side" or "The half containing Hunter." Whatever you like.


The jump to the daily news seems strange to me. There's no transition between the accident and the news break.

Quote:
Hunter , has both arms broken, a broken colar bone plus cuts -
-and bruises. Also is now in a coma.


What do you mean by "Also is now in a coma." It said nothing about Anna being in a coma.


Quote:
The lines all went dead as if his heart stopped beating.


"...heart had stopped beating."

Quote:
He walked out of the room he'd been lieing in all this time.


"Lying"

Quote:
He only had on boxer shorts and no shirt.

If he had been in the hospital for a year, he'd be wearing a hospital gown.


Quote:
A sharp gust of wind blew through his brown hair that now reached his chin

I love how you create a reason to describe the length of his hair with the wind instead of just stating that his hair reached his chin. Nice job!

Quote:
Hunter felt as if he were traped in an ocean of confusion. He fell to his knees.


Love the fig. language.

Quote:
The questions raseing through his head

racing

Quote:
The questions raseing through his head were questions very few people knew the answer to.

"Racing"
I'm not sure you nead to repeat the word "questions." Instead, replace it with "ones" or you could eliminate the noun altogether and say," The questions racing through his head had answers that very few people knew."


Hunter woke up to the sound of a girl, she had a scratchy high pitched voice[quote]
period, not a comma.

Quote:
Hunter sat upward tryig to get a better look at the girl


trying

I like the way Luci can briefly put Hunter at ease.

Quote:
he stopped and grabbed luci's arm tightly and pulled her away," what are you doing with ...that?" The boy asked sharply."ow! please stop,Cameron you're hurting me!" He sqeezed her arm tighter and pulled her face up to his ," you go home now! and i will take care of him." he said to her then threw her to the ground , she ran quickly toward what looked to be a town. Hunter stood up," what is your problem? you can't just treat a little girl like broken toy!"


you need to separate your dialogue.

Quote:
First of all no human being is broken, second she is defintaly not ugly, and third of all i don't have any."

comma after "First of alll."

Quote:
" don't be a nice guy that wont get you any where here buddy, i'll tell you where to go if you promise to never come back. We got a deal?" There was a short slince.

Capitalize "don't", put a period after "guy," capitalize "that," put a period after "buddy," and capitalize "i'll." "Silnce" should be "silence." I don't understand Cameron's "deal." Does he want Hunter to leave the city, leave his sister alone?


Quote:
" you're not the one to be talking, you dark skin freak


Ouch! That was mean! I'm pretty sure it should be "dark-skin."

Quote:
Any ways look, there is this dude named , Sora


"Any ways" is one word, and you need to eliminate the comma between "named" and Sora." By the way, I'm very curious about Sora.

Quote:
Cameron walked away talking under his breath, "sucker he never make it, i almost feel sorry for him."


comma between "away" and "talking." Period before dialogue. Period after "make it."


Quote:
Luci couldn't hold it so she ran into a corner and held her self
.
"her self" is one word.

Quote:
Luci liked Hunter, she was hopeing he would help her

You don't really need the claus,"Luci liked Hunter." We get that idea with the statement, "he was like a dream."
"hopeing" should be "hoping."

Quote:
That was completely opposite from that.

Give us a subject in that sentence please! What is opposite from what?

All in all, very nice story. Cameron is a very interesting character, and I can tell he has more depth that will show later in your story. His interactions with Luci are phenominal. Nice writing and I hope that I will see more of this story soon!

-Sea-

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

umm, first get your grammar correct before you post. you are supposed to skip a line when you change speakers
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 8:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love this story so far Very Happy Very Happy It's very original and unique. It really makes me wonder about Hunter, and what exactly happened to him--the plot really ties you into the characters and I care for them.

Someone mentioned the news report being unnecessary. I actually think it works, and it makes sense to me. Like I said, the only thing I might do is make Hunter's mother watch a news report instead of it just being there(so it can show her reaction), but other than that, I think you should leave it.

Also, I like how you quickly developed the characters and their traits. We automatically know the personalities of many of the characters, and I think it is a good thing the detail isn't dragged out.

One more thing...I feel sorry for Luci...and Cameron is evil Evil or Very Mad lol Good job with the story! I can't wait for more Wink *Hint--write more!*

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