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writingbrickinwall
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 Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: The Place |
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The Place
In a place where my mind often goes
In a place that I go where no one knows
I see a place
A happy place
A place full of joy
A place full of toys
For every child
A place where you can run a mile
A place where love has overcome the greed
A place that has given up the seed
The seed of hate
I see this place
I see it often
So before I lie down in a coffin
I will go there- I will go to that place
Thanks for reading! I love comments so if you want, you can critique it, or write if you liked it. |
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unsterblichkeit36
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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hey it was a good poem and i made this mistake when i first started
you are supposed to do two reviews before u post anything and then you are free to post anything you want so try and get two posts in as soon as possible |
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pegasi_quill
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:17 pm Post subject: Re: The Place |
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| writingbrickinwall wrote: |
The Place
In a place where my mind often goes
In a place that I go where no one knows You just told me in the opening line that your mind wanders there, so don't repeat yourself here.
I see a place
A happy place Please do something with these two lines - bland statements, boring, that tell me nothing
A place full of joy
A place full of toys
For every child
A place where you can run a mile
A place where love has overcome the greed
A place that has given up the seed
The seed of hate I don't think you need to repeat this "the seed", just go straight into the "of hate"
I see this place
I see it often This line is... pointless, and ruins the flow of the poem that you've managed to establish so far
So before I lie down in a coffin
I will go there- I will go to that place Uh, I had the impression you go to that place often? so, why are you saying that you will go there, future tense? Also, do someting with tis last line - very anti-climactic.
Thanks for reading! I love comments so if you want, you can critique it, or write if you liked it. |
1) No need to capitalise very line
2) I really think that some punctuation here would help, with the flow of the poem and the way it looks to the reader.
3) Ok, at times here, the use of your repetitions was quite effective. But look at what you've done - there is too much of the repetition now, you keep repeating yourself constantly, and that really ruins the effect th poem would otherwise have on me. Use a thesaurus, find synonyms of words, and use them once in a while. Repeating something once or twice is effective, or doing so on a regular basis e.g. in a structured poem, at the start or end of each stanza. But in free verse, repeating something 5 or 6 times really isn't that good.
4) Please, please work on some imagery. I see virtually nothing here, maybe apart from the coffin line.
5) Be precise and specific. Your words are supposed to paint an image in my mind - this poem paints nothing but a vague concept of toys. That's all you've zoned in on. Focus on details - this poem is about a place. Now, try answer these questions, and incorporate the answers into your poem. At least some of them;
What kind of place is it? Large or small? Light or dark?
Is it a garden, a field, a room?
What's in there exactly?
What does it smell like?
What can you hear?
What can you feel?
Does this place trigger off any specific emotions?
OK, so this poem is a very, very rough draft. It can go somewhere if you keep on working on it - but it does need a lot of tampering with.
I'll leave you to it, and good luck!  |
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In_the_Moonlight
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject: Dramatic....I loved it! |
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| This poem at first struck me as okay , but the ending made it great. The concept I got really changed by the end and I understood what the place was you were talking about. Heaven. Well like I said that's the concept I got. I loved it and hope to read more of your work. |
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JudeQuinn
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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hey I really like the concept but it really needs expansion.
Like the post above says, the image portrayed is a little
vague and could be filled out to make it much more vivid
and so a much more enjoyable poem to read.
Maybe you were using the short lines for the structure but
I really do think it would be a very good poem if it were longer(bigger?)
And again like the post above says, punctuation would really
help the flow and pace become more obvious. Still a good start though |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 7:11 am Post subject: |
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I like the use of the repetition. I wouldn't recommend using it constantly in your various other poems, but for 1 or 2 poems, or a little more in a collection of poems I think it works nicely and I don't agree with the other review that you should take that out.
This is gonna sound stupid, but hey, even what Adam Sandler was saying is good, even if he does it a in a fun, dumb way. Reminded kind of, of Happy Gilmore, when he finds his happy place to putt, which if you've ever played golf, it makes that whole joke funnier.
Anyways I enjoyed this but I felt the ending was better without the last I will go.
So it'd be I will go there- to that place.
Nice job, and don't take the repetition out. It would only annoy me if every single one of your poems were like that. It's a good change and you use the motif well. |
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