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And, my dear, is it not so bad to be lost?
And, my dear, is it not so bad to be lost?

by A. Phauox in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 11, 2008
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By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9

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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:11 pm    Post subject: By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9 Reply with quote

Chapter Nine

Present Time

I was a weak wolf. I knew what I should do; what I had to do. But Dane’s eyes had been on my mind the entire time I ran from the Pack. His voice had resounded in my ears. I just couldn’t leave without one last glimpse of him, one final farewell. The Pack was far behind, still trying to puzzle out my trails. I had a few minutes, and I wouldn’t leave an obvious trail for them towards Dane and the others.

Part of my mind knew full well that I was endangering the humans, and demanded that I continue on towards the cities. But then the other part of my mind—the irrational, human part—told me to find Dane, experience his warmth one last time, and say goodbye. Warn him.

And as I had been for the past few months, I listened to the human part of myself.

Zigzagging like I did on the other side of the range, I quickly and impatiently made my way to them. Dane would be watching for me—I was supposed to be there the night before. He would be worried.

The house was bright through the trees, a beacon. Dane’s window was dark, and I couldn’t see whether he stood there or not.

“Where have you been?”

He’d been waiting for me by the woods. I let out a yelp, and when my mouth opened my bag dropped to the ground. Dane glanced at it, expression unfathomable.

“What is that?” He gestured to the bag.

I changed halfway, and Dane sighed, holding out jeans and a T-shirt. He turned his back while I changed back and dressed. Oddly, I was most self-conscious about my body around him, and had demanded clothes on hand every time I visited.

“It’s just a bag with some food, and things I need for traveling,” I answered quickly, stooping to pick it up. Time was short, and there was no extra seconds for questions.

“What—” Dane began.

I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his chest and inhaling his scent. I memorized it, hoping it would rub off on me so I would smell of him for a time.

Dane held me back, his hands going up and down on my back in a soothing pattern. “What’s wrong?” he murmured in my hair.

I kissed his neck, sighing. He shivered in response. “I’m leaving,” I whispered.

Dane drew back. “What?” His mouth pulled down into the frown I hadn’t seen from him for weeks, and I hated the sight of it.

In the distance, I could already hear Jeff’s howl. He’d finally found my true trail. My heart picked up speed. “The pack found out about my coming here,” I said, breathless. “I’ve been sentenced to death. A… friend helped me escape, and I need to go to some city, and blend in with the humans. I can never come back here.”

Dane didn’t hesitate a fraction of a second. “I’m coming with you.”

I immediately shook my head. “No. You’re needed here. Your mother? Marie? The twins? They all need you.”

They were climbing up the mountain, about to cross the range. My palms broke out in a cold sweat.

Dane’s hands had gone up to grip my upper arms. “No, they don’t. Mom and David just got engaged last night. He can take care of them now.”

“David? Really?” I asked faintly. I started to pull away; the Pack was coming for me. They would find Dane and the rest. I wouldn’t have their lives on my head.

Dane felt my withdrawal. “No,” he said through his teeth. “You’re not leaving me behind. I can match your pace, Genny.”

“I need to go now…” I tore myself out of his grasp, eyes lingering on his strained face. I shouldn’t have come—but I can’t bring myself to regret it.

Dane’s eyes glittered with resolve. “If you go without me, I’ll shout and stomp around until the Pack comes here.”

My control, already more fragile and worn than it had ever been before, snapped. “Don’t be an idiot! You wouldn’t endanger your family like that!” I hissed at him. “My Pack isn’t kind to humans. They would kill you, and burn down the house with all your bodies inside to make it look like an accident. We have ways of covering our tracks, Dane Hawthorne.”

He didn’t bat an eyelash. “I will be an idiot, unless you allow me to go with you. I’m not going to stay here without you.”

“I can’t stay here,” I said, suddenly helpless. I couldn’t argue anymore; Jeff had again found my real trail. This goodbye hadn’t gone as I had planned. I should have known Dane would be a mule about it.

“Then let me come with,” Dane said again, his voice firm.

Jeff was crashing through the bush. I let out a frustrated cry. “You can’t run as fast as me, and your human scent is easier to follow than mine!”

The human boy that I had fallen in love with glared at me. “We need to lead them away from my family, anyhow.”

I knew he was right—as he often was. I hated that.

With one last glance at the house that had felt like a home to me, and one last swift kiss to Dane’s lips, my one word was a growl: “Fine.”


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:19 pm    Post subject: BSBM Reply with quote

BSBM:
a couple of things confused me and a few things i loved.
*who is Wes you mentioned him in one of your other chapters?
*is he a friend of Genny's?
*this story was really intense
*when Genny's hands broke into a cold sweat I could kinda feel what she was going through at that moment.
*How many trails did she make because that part was a bit confusing?
*overall that was magical emphasize on the magical
I'll be waitin to post on ur next chap!

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KJ! Let's see what's happened, shall we? Very Happy

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KJ wrote:
Zigzagging like I did on the other side of the range...

I think had would work better. =/

KJ wrote:
Dane would be watching for me—I was supposed to be there the night before.

Wait a minute--this is rather sudden. I mean, I know Genny had the one encounter with Dane, but I hadn't know she had continued visiting Dane! Though, when I think about it, it kinda makes sense. I mean, she did go back at least once earlier in the story. Still, I think this should be made more clear.

KJ wrote:
Dane held me back<--maybe try 'tightly'?, his hands going up and down on my back in a soothing pattern. “What’s wrong?” he murmured into my hair.


KJ wrote:
Jeff was crashing through the bush.

So, exactly how close is Jeff now? To me it seems as if he's too close. Try to clarify more how far away Jeff is before the end of this. =/

Overall

This is a lovely continuation of the last installment! I especially like the 'love triangle' type scenario you're building for Genny. First there was Jeff, who she agreed to an engagement with, then Mark kisses her after freeing her, then she falls in love with the human boy Dane! Very Happy Marvelous.

I can't wait to read more--keep writing! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kelsey, oh Kelsey...will you ever stop making chapters so darn good...gosh...it ended and I was like "More!"

But I guess I will have to wait like the rest of YWS for the next chapter...

*pouts childishly*

Anyway, I found nothing wrong that I could find. This chapter was very fast-paced, but it wasn't a bad thing. I didn't have a problem keeping up and it's nice when different chapters have different tempos.

Well, keep up the good work. I have nothing more to say on this...only that I guess her and Jeff are done, huh? Wink

Keep Writting!

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey KJ!!

Ahh this was a sweet chapter. I really liked how Dane and Genny fought, it was quite amusing. Especially sense I could sorta imagine it in my head. Yeah, you just have to stop making good chapters like this because now, I'm going to read the last chapter you have posted. Boo! I want more!
Great Job and Keep writing,
~Angel

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