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Crevice
Crevice

by beemarie425 in Lyric Poetry
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This thread was created on August 11, 2008
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The Journey to Occultus Silva

Topic ID: 34306
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:23 am    Post subject: The Journey to Occultus Silva Reply with quote

The Amphisabaens stayed hidden behind the tower which loomed over the gigantic trees of the forest, and, being as wide as 3 Lesden trees, their cover was well hidden. Adrastos, the satyr traitor, was in charge of this capture. He could barely contain the excitement flooding through his body as he waited for the victim to arrive. An Amphisabaen shifted restlessly. "Stop moving!", hissed the satyr, careful not to catch the creauture's eyes to aviod being hypnotised.

Just in time.

A bright light and the clatter of hooves announced the arrival of the unicorn. She went straight passed them, oblivious to the trap she was falling into. No one could deny it. Adonia was almost a flawless creature. Her slim legs looked as if they could break with every step she made, yet the muscles bulging out from underneath her skin clearly showed the strength they contained. Her body was so elegant and graceful; she clearly assured those with doubts who she actually was. A princess of the unicorn race.

Her face was oval, with piercing black eyes that glared at you with such fierce intelligence and wisdom; you could do nothing but look back with awe. Her soft mane and tail were so long that her face was almost hidden and the tip of her tail touched the ground. Her coat, mane and tail were pearl white, shimmering under the sun, nearly blinding whoever looked at her.

To compliment this graceful being, however, was her horn. It was a spirally grooved horn, projecting forward from the centre of her forehead, being a silvery white at its base, piercing black in the middle, and shone a sparkling scarlet red at its tip. The horn alone was enough to make an enemy quail in fear, for it looked as if it could pierce your heart out with a light touch. Adonia carried herself proudly with demeanour, her adorned beauty catching everyone’s eye.

It was why she had chosen this part of the forest to visit when she felt depressed, alone, angry, betrayed. This particular part of the forest was like a golden key to her heart. When the lock was turned, she poured all her inner feelings out, sharing them with the trees and plants and every living thing that cared enough to listen to her needs and wishes.

This time though, she didn’t feel like doing as she usually did. She wanted to think. Only with herself. She had to talk her family and advisors into it!! How else could her beloved Damon and caring Alae be avenged? She wanted to sink her horn hard in her enemies’ hearts, to feel the rage transmitting from her horn to her foes’ hearts. Her heart burned at the thought of what hideous punishments she’d give the Fenrir for killing Alae, her best friend and magic-teacher, the only one she trusted with her heart open.

Wasn’t it enough? Hadn’t the Fenrir done what they wanted? A year after this atrocity took place, the evil flying race, the Criosphinx, allies of the Fenrir, captured her fiancée, Damon. What happened to him had been information that was forever hidden from the unicorns, for the Criosphinx had outwitted them in this planned capture. They had been able to shut off contact by thought speak from Damon to any other creature, leaving him blind to the world. They’d also been able to block contact from the outside, directing anyone’s mind who tried to contact Damon to their leader’s mind; and taken by surprise, the creature would be mercilessly slain. Adonia had been one of the first people to attempt to get in touch with Damon, and very narrowly escaped slaughter with mere luck, for the Criosphinx hadn’t yet managed to establish this method properly, though they had been able to try and break in the enemy’s mind and kill him/her.

Adonia was tired. Tired of the mental-work she’d done trying to change her mother’s mind. But her mother was adamant. They couldn’t afford another war with other races that could and would fight back. They would be faced with extinction early in the war.

Slowly, an idea formed in her mind, which might be the best course she could take. Yes, that was it. She’d prepare her own private army, and after finding out what had occurred to Damon after his capture and rescuing him if possible, slay the leaders of their enemy races. Yes, she’d take out her revenge in this way.

She turned away to head back to her palace in Rutilus Cornu, the most beautiful city of the unicorn country, when she heard a twig snap, very close to where she was. The sound seemed to have emanated from behind the giant tree she called Lesden.

Realising that their cover was blown, Adrastos gave the signal.

Panic gripped Adonia, as she saw Amphisabeans slither on the ground, her path being blocked by theirs, and she backed against the tree, whinnying in terror. Of all the creatures, Adonia hated snakes most, for they were the most evil and ugly creatures that stalked the earth.

She had to strike before they did. Sending a silver, long Amphisabaen flying with a kick of her hooves, she thought the spell needed to kill the Amphisabaens. What she failed to notice, and what was clearly seen by the Amphisabaens, was the satyr behind the unicorn, noiselessly making his path towards her at a breakneck pace.

Before any of them could strike, Adonia sent a silver spectrum speeding towards them, which contained the deadly spell. Before they could retaliate, the spell hit them full in the face, sending them staggering and writhing before the magic took its toll on them and robbed them of their lives. Adonia screamed in pain as Adrastos struck the unicorn on the side with the point of his blade. Adrastos struck again, this time, with the flat of his blade on Adonia's temple. Images flooded through her mind, she saw herself alone with Damon in her castle, laughing at the funny things he was showing her. She saw herself arguing with her mother on the matter if Damon's capture, and saw herself sobbing against Alae's shoulder as he put his neck on hers, soothing her, comforting her. Shuddering, she fell to the floor, unconscious to the satyr's evil laughter echoing through the entire forest, attracting her mother's attention.

**********************************************************************************

Isidore whipped around, facing the forest in front of her. Was that Adonia whinnying? She starting cantering towards the forest, her heart pounding in fright. Then she stopped. Perhaps she was imagining it because she was thinking of how she had defied Adonia's wish for revenge for long. Then she heard a scream and the satyr's laughter. There was no doubt now. She galloped full speed ahead towards the forest, allowing herself to be engulfed in the trees' shadows. She only had one thought in mind; My daughter is in danger.



Last edited by Palip on Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:12 am; edited 7 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is so far an amazing story. I did find a few things that could flow better, but otherwise, I'm hooked.

Quote:
A year after this atrocity took place, the evil flying race, the Criosphinx, which were allies of the Fenrir, captured Damon, her fiancée, and what happened to him had been information that was forever hidden from the unicorns, for the Criosphinx had outwitted them in this planned capture.

Adonia had been one of the first people to attempt to get in touch with Damon, and very narrowly escaped slaughter with mere luck, for the Criosphinx hadn’t yet managed to establish this method properly, though they had been able to try and break in the enemy’s mind and kill him/her.


These sentences are a bit too long. How about you divide them into shorter ones?

Quote:
She slumped against a tree, troubled and exhausted.


This may be just me, but I think you should make this information apparent earlier in the story. It was confusing- I thought she was wide-awake and burning with anger.

Quote:
She turned away to head back to her palace in Victum Pacis


The city sounds as though it's a city of victims.

-Wordsmith

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

tnx wordsmith for your comments Smile
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Overall, this was very well-written. My main problem with this is that you're telling, not showing. I feel as if the tone to this pice is cold, like even the writer doesn't care about the MC's fate.

As a reader, the piece needs to play with my emotions. Make me fear for the MC, hate her enemies, be concerned for her friends. Right now I am kind of detatched, and that's not good.

Also, some dialogue would be nice. I think it would also personalize and improve the telling-not-showing problem.

So good luck with editing, and keep writing.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 12:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

k ill c what i can do Smile
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This thread was created on August 11, 2008

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