Topic ID: 34296
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unsterblichkeit36
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 12
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 185
Reviews: 11
Country: Loneliness
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:57 am Post subject: Will you? |
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Do you love me with your heart,
Or love me with your eyes?
Was i cute from the start,
Or did you listen to my cries?
Will you hold me for now,
Or never let me go?
Will you just take a bow,
Or stay after the show?
Will you catch me when I fall,
Or just sit back and talk?
Will you help me through it all,
Or just leave me and walk?
Will I fall through,
Or keep my ground?
Do I love you,
Or is this a love round? |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: Re: Will you? |
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I'm going to go through this line-by-line. Hopefully you won't think this critique is too harsh, but I think some interesting elements of the poem are being overshadowed by sections that are either forced to rhyme or don't really make sense.
| unsterblichkeit36 wrote: |
Do you love me with your heart,
Or love me with your eyes? |
This is strong - it's simply put, but hints to a real issue.
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Was i cute from the start,
Or did you listen to my cries? |
This doesn't make sense. It could be that I'm just not reading it properly, but the two ideas don't link in my head at all. I started thinking that maybe it would be interesting for you to try this again without trying to make it rhyme - it would be easier for you to explore your ideas and then afterwards you could see if there was a way you could make them rhyme, if you wanted.
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Will you hold me for now,
Or never let me go? |
Again, questions of commitment put in concise language - good, but perhaps by leaving each idea like this, without expanding on them, you're bombarding your reader with issues to think about. Ironically, this can put a reader off thinking at all. You possibly have the makings of more than one poem with the ideas you have here - what about trying to turn each stanza into its own poem?
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Will you just take a bow,
Or stay after the show? |
This was a good metaphor, which linked well with the previous two lines. With more imagery like this, your poem would be stronger.
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Will you catch me when I fall,
Or just sit back and talk? |
These two ideas don't link. It would make more sense if the speaker was wondering:
Will you catch me when I fall
Or watch me hit the ground?
However, the first line is a bit overused. If you had to put it into other language, what would you say?
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Will you help me through it all,
Or just leave me and walk? |
These ideas do sort of link, but it seems like they've been forced so you could rhyme 'walk' with 'talk'. If you do edit this poem, have a go at it in free verse. You might find that you like what you come up with much more.
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Will I fall through,
Or keep my ground? |
This is a little too random. Will she fall through what?
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Do I love you,
Or is this a love round? |
The last line doesn't make sense to me at all, but again, it could be the way I'm reading it.
Overall:
I think there are a few points for you to think about:
- Firstly, the poem is a series of questions. As a reader, I want to be offered some answers. If you don't know what these answers are, speculate! That's where the poem comes from. Rhetorical questions can be useful to make your readers think, but, like I said before, ask too many and you'll overwhelm your reader.
- Secondly, the rhyming is a little forced in places. Rhyming is brilliant when used well, but forced rhyming can immediately turn good ideas into a piece that people aren't interested in reading. Try it in free verse - once you have your ideas, the rhymes can come later. Which brings me to...
- Your ideas. You reference physical attraction versus real feeling, issues of commitment, emotional support, and how the speaker will deal with love, if that's what she's really feeling, all in 16 lines! Take a little more time to explore each idea and your thoughts on it.
The poem as it stands at the moment is too short to deal with these issues. Short poems can, of course, have great impact, but not when dealing with so many ideas. The format - a series of questions - also doesn't lend itself too well to really investigating these topics.
I think you should take these questions:
Do you love me with your heart,
Or love me with your eyes?
Will you hold me for now,
Or never let me go?
Will you just take a bow,
Or stay after the show?
Will you help me through it all?
Do I love you?
Look at each in some depth. For example, 'Do I love you?' The poem could look at the way the speaker feels and what makes her believe she is in love, then look at what makes her think she isn't. Those are two obvious points - there are millions of other ways to approach the question - how being in love might change her life, what it might force her to give up, how it might change her as a person, the positive and the negative aspects of it, etc, etc.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on for so long there! I hope some of these ideas get you thinking and if you do get a different poem out of this, then please let me know! I'd love to see what you come up with.
Lauren
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fun4eva
Senior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 166
Reviews: 29
Country: India
200 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there unsterblichkeit36
I absolutely enjoyed reading your poem. The poem was very clear to me since the beginning.
I like the way you used simple words to convey strong messages (or ask them)!
for eg:
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Do you love me with your heart,
Or love me with your eyes? |
| Quote: |
Will you just take a bow,
Or stay after the show? |
************************************
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Was i cute from the start,
Or did you listen to my cries? |
I would have to disagree with sapphire on this one.(don't mean to sound rude or anything) In fact this is one of my favorite lines. It just asks a simple question which is "do you really lie me or you agreed to go out with me cuz you had pity on me?"(Thaats what it means, right?)
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Will you catch me when I fall,
Or just sit back and talk?
Will you help me through it all,
Or just leave me and walk? |
Sapphire is right here. It is very obvious that you tried too hard to find a rhyme here.
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Will I fall through,
Or keep my ground?
Do I love you,
Or is this a love round? |
I did not get this very clearly. Do you mean to say that the guy/boyfriend will help you to stand as you go through difficulties or let you fall apart???
and what do you mean bye a love round??
I guess thats all. Keep writing and all the best! |
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Wojovox
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 65
Reviews: 44
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 9:23 am Post subject: |
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when you ryhme, your second line during the first part of the poem sounds as if it should be in dissappointment though the words speak of what you want.
Will you hold me for now,
Or never let me go?
what is it you want. Lines are good, you may just need a little rearranging.
I write a lot of stuff intended to test the reader, to catach him off guard, to make him question, but the flow starts to contradict itself with this line.
Just try to be more clear about your intentions, good ideas, good emotion, just organization and FOCUS. |
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Fellow
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 04 Sep 2008
Posts: 203
Reviews: 64
Country: Romania
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 11:55 am Post subject: Review |
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The review is coming up:
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| Do you love me with your heart,/Or love me with your eyes? |
Strong and simple. Nice.
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| Was i cute from the start,Or did you listen to my cries? |
Dosen't fit. I`ll rewrite it like this I was forced to hear your lies, You were bound to hear my cries.
Anyway it is your choise.
That`s all ... Hope it helps. |
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