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Lurlene_Mcdaniel_Rox
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 09 Aug 2008
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Reviews: 6
Country: Canada
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 Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:59 am Post subject: Moonlight Romance (part 2) |
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 Please edit and let me know, it helps alot for I have just started writing within the last year. Thanks
Midnight Romance 2
The following night after I talked to Michael on the phone, I decided that I could not wait until I was ungrounded to see him, so I snuck out of room. I changed into a pair of jeans and a sweater then slowly and cautiously led myslef down the white ladice, that led along the side of the house beneath by bedroom window. As I reached the ground and I looked around to make sure that no one was around to see me sneak out of my bedroom. I quickly ran to the nearest bush and escaped along the park path to Michael's apartment.
When I arrived there the door was already open so I walked in and found Michael on the deck sitting all by himself. I sat down next to him and he told me how his parents had come by just before me and told him that he had to stop seeing me because it wasn't right for him to date a 17 year old girl when he was 22. As he said that my eyes teared up because I couldn't stand to think of life without him. He told me that he had told them that he would let me know what they had said and that I could decide. I then told him with tears slowly leaking from my eyes that I love him and that it would break my heart to leave him. He then led my into the living room where we sat on the couch and just cuddled.
He then pulled me so close and held me so tight I could barely breathe. I pushed myself away slightly so I could breathe, and he let me go completely and looked hurt. He asked me I had pushed away and I said that I was sorry and that I just needed a bit of air. His face relaxed and he stood walked over to the tv and turned it on. He then moved to the single couch and sat down. I then got up and moved next to him. I leaned in towards him, he kissed my forehead and then got up and moved away. I looked at him and then asked him why he moved away. He said,"That he was very sorry but he didn't want to breathe my air, since it was so precious." I felt so hurt at what he had said, that I got up looked him in the eye and said,"I am sorry Michael, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but if you are going to hurt mine on purpose, I don't think we should see each other anymore." He said then,"Well, I am sorry too, but I am still hurt, so you should be too." I burst into tears right then, and yelled at the top my lungs,"Michael Burton, you are a horrible person to do that to a young girl," and then stormed out very upset with tears still streaming down my face. |
Last edited by Lurlene_Mcdaniel_Rox on Sat Aug 16, 2008 3:02 am; edited 2 times in total |
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alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Lurene. I'm alwaysawriter but whatever you want to call me is fine. Just a reminder--you need to post two reviews before you post a story or chapter (the same goes with poems, fanfics, etc)
There doesn't need to be a comma there; it messes up the flow.
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| As I reached the ground |
Comma.
Take out And; it doesn't fit there.
Eleven. Spelling it out looks better and you need to spell out a number until you get to a hundred, then you can write the number form.
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| against it and walked |
Replace And with a comma because there shouldn't be more than two in a sentence and the And messes up the flow of the story.
The doorbell; To doesn't make any sense.
Comma after Opened because there should be a short pause there.
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| When the large white door opened I saw Michael and his dad yelling at each other and then Michael's mother in the living room watching t.v and his 11 year old kid sister who had answered the door. |
Reword this sentence; it sounds too rushed.
Same as what I said about eleven pm.
Take out Then. You just said it in previous words in the sentence and it sounds repetitive.
We get what you mean by Sooo and there's no good reason to drag it out. Stick with the regular So.
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| He asked me I had pushed away |
Insert Why after Me because it sounds like you left out a word.
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| His face relaxed and he stood walked over to the tv and turned it on. |
"His face relaxed and he stood, walking over to the tv and turning it on." Maybe works better? Otherwise, you change tenses in the sentence.
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| He then moved to the couch and sat down, and got up and moved next to him. |
This is a run-on and because you don't say WHO "...got up and moved next to him.", that part of the sentence doesn't make sense. Try "He then got up and sat down so I got up and moved next to him" or something like that.
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| I leaned in towards him, |
Replace the comma with a period; this is a stand-alone sentence unless you really want to incorperate the rest of the sentence you have in there.
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| he kissed my forehead and then got up and moved away. |
Too many Ands. Maybe try this instead? "He kissed my forehead then got up and moved away."
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| ,"That he was very sorry but he didn't want to breathe my air." |
Take out the comma and the quotations don't need to be there unless you're saying a direct line or partial line from the character whose suppossed to say it (in this case, Michael)
That comma doesn't need to be there because you put it in mid-sentence. There shouldn't be a slight pause there since it's the middle of the sentence so no comma.
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| ,"I am sorry Michael, |
Period.
Michael's.
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| Michae's mother then came into the room, asked what was |
Try using And instead of the comma. It goes along better with the rest of the sentence and flows better.
No comma there because it needs to flow with the rest of the sentence and a comma stops the flow there.
Aria
There's nothing really exciting about her. Other than she's grounded, she just snuck out of her house and she just broke up with her boyfriend, we don't know much about her. Give us more. Maybe tell us why she was grounded and even something as simple as that could give us a clue as to who she is.
Michael
The same thing with him. Nothing interesting. Find a way to make him more exciting.
Plot
Not original, at least at this point. I saw that you posted the next chapter so I'm hoping there will be some sort of twist or something that sets it apart from the other stories in it.
Dialogue
You need to work on that. Ex, full line: He said "I'm sorry but this isn't working." Partial line: He started talking and I ignored him until I heard "...that this isn't working and..." I let him drown on again.
Overall Notes
The story was okay. 
PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter |
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smanda4
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Lurlene,,,,,,, I must say I liked your story. It’s cute and sweet and has the air of good chick lit.
However, it would be nice if that last paragraph was developed more so the reader feels more in touch with the female character (Aria) and her boyfriend (micheal) questions I ask my self at this point are.
‘why did she pull away was it just for air or was it for other reasons?’
‘why did Michael get so offended? Has he been hurt before?”
“why did she go on to break up with Michael so fast, why not try to work it out and talk”
Also explore the feelings she must have afterwards
“is she angry because she snuck out or just sad they broke up?
as a reader I felt a bit distant and would love to get to know the characters better and what they are thinking. Other wise this is a great start of some good writing.
Just about to go on and read the next part |
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summersmilesxoxo
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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"beneath by bedroom window. As I reached the ground and I looked around to make sure that no one was around watching me sneak out of my bedroon."
instead you should write "...beneath my bedroom window. As i reached the ground, I looked around to make sure that no one was there to watch me sneak out of my bedroom."
"His family apologized and told them no need to apologize"
"His family apologized but, I told them there was no need to apologize."
When Michael and his dad were fighting, what were they fighting about? it seems as though they were fighting for no reason.
"He asked me I had pushed away and said that I was sorry and that I just needed a bit of air."
write instead "He asked me why I had pushed away and I said that I was sorry and that i needed a bit of air."
you tend to forget a lot of words. usually just small ones like I and such but it stands out.
keep writing, this is good.
by the way Lurlene Mcdaniel is my favorite author too
also..you need to review at least six other stories before you can post anything new. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 6:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, Lurlene! I just couldn't help myself from reading the second part of this.
All I did was copy/pase again:
Midnight Romance 2
The following night after I talked to Michael on the phone, I decided that I could not wait until I was ungrounded to see him, so I snuck out of room. I changed into a pair of jeans and a sweater then slowly and cautiously led myslef myself down the white ladice, that led along the side of the house beneath by bedroom window. As I reached the ground and [I don't think you need the "and" here. A comma instead would do just fine] I looked around to make sure that no one was around to see me sneak out of my bedroom. I quickly ran to the nearest bush and escaped along the park path to Michael's apartment.
When I arrived there the door was already open so I walked in and found Michael on the deck sitting all by himself. I sat down next to him and he told me how his parents had come by just before me and told him that he had to stop seeing me because it wasn't right for him to date a 17 year old girl when he was 22. As he said that my eyes teared up because I couldn't stand to think of life without him. He told me that he had told them that he would let me know what they had said and that I could decide. Whoa, slow up! This sentence is a lot of "he said, she said" stuff and that tends to get a little repetive and confusing. My advise would to put dialogue instead of this in some places just so the reader is able to understand what you are saying] I then told him with tears slowly leaking from my eyes that I love loved] him and that it would break my heart to leave him. He then led my into the living room where we sat on the couch and just cuddled.
He then pulled me so close and held me so tight I could barely breathe. I pushed myself away slightly so I could breathe, and he let me go completely and looked hurt. He asked me I had pushed away and I said that I was sorry and that I just needed a bit of air. His face relaxed and he stood walked over to the tv and turned it on. He then moved to the single couch and sat down. I then got up and moved next to him. I leaned in towards him, he kissed my forehead and then got up and moved away. I looked at him and then asked him why he moved away. He said,"That he was very sorry but he didn't want to breathe my air, since it was so precious." [start new paragraph] I felt so hurt at what he had said, that I got up looked him in the eye and said,"I am sorry Michael, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but if you are going to hurt mine on purpose, I don't think we should see each other anymore." [start new paragraph] He said then,"Well, I am sorry too, but I am still hurt, so you should be too." [start new paragraph] I burst into tears right then, and yelled at the top my lungs,"Michael Burton, you are a horrible person to do that to a young girl," and then stormed out very upset with tears still streaming down my face.
Okay, Lurlene, I think this ending paragraph was kind of...pointless?  Sorry, I don't want that to come out harsh but it was just all drama and aimless yeling that i didn't quite get the point of it. I mean, it was like they were playing musical chairs on couches. So, my suggestion would be to try to come up with different scene for breaking up. I think you have a very good idea with the musical chairs thing and I'm pretty sure I know what you wanted to potray...so, maybe try to have them fight over the TV channels or something so stupid that it just makes the reader mad 'cause I think that's what you wanted to happen, right? If I'm wrong, then completely forget this whole thing hehe
Now, this chapter was a lot more enjoyable. I liked it better than your first one. But I do still think that you have a long way to go to develop a more solid plot. These sound more like diary entries than anything, so maybe if you are aiming for that kind of angle, you could have her friend be telling this story? Or something like that. You need something to tie the story together.
Keep Writing! |
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Tabithalillian
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:15 pm Post subject: |
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This was good, once again! I love it. One thing It was good but it all happened a bit fast. Like one seccond she couldnt live with out him, and then she was running out of him appartment calling him a horrible person. Also I got slightly confused when there were no quotation marks as in the small paragraph below I quoted from your text.But besides that it was good!
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| he let me go completely and looked hurt. He asked me I had pushed away and I said that I was sorry and that I just needed a bit of air. His face relaxed and he stood walked over to the tv and turned it on. He then moved to the single couch and sat down. |
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