Topic ID: 34279
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listeningforthemuse
Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 10 Aug 2008
Posts: 68
Reviews: 35
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:28 am Post subject: Enemies |
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I'd like some constructive critiscisms
and tips for polishing
Thanks!
Enemies
Trapped within themselves
So deep, that they don’t want help
And yet, I see their cries
Written on the pages before my eyes
Minds so corrupted, they kill
Slowly, themselves, so that others will
Perhaps accept them, but in doing so
They lose themselves, they’re letting go
Of all their dreams and independency
I remember how they used to mock me
But I can’t help but pity
These empty shells I once called enemies |
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dreamintechnicolour
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Age: 16
Joined: 08 Aug 2008
Posts: 99
Reviews: 17
Country: New Zealand
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:02 am Post subject: |
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Ah, I absolutely love it! 
Just a couple of minor word things;
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| But I can’t help but pity |
If it was me I would write "Now I can’t help but pity" instead. The two but's with two different meanings is too much to process in such a short line. Then again that could just be me...
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| So deep, that they don’t want help |
Maybe "So deep, yet they don't want help". I'm not sure. I know what you're saying, like they're so deep that they can't see how anything can be different to what they're in (maybe...? or not...), i just think it needs to be worded differently somehow. But at the same time, the poem doesn't suffer from that line at all.
Otherwise, I think it's an amazing piece. I love how it doesn't use the rhyme as a crutch, it just appears natural. I'm off to read more of your work! |
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Kitty15
Queen of The Venus fly Trap
Writer of Legend
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Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5559
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Country: England
845 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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I'm a nasty critiquer so I'm going to start off negatively and say you need more punctuation! But I always try to be fair and I have to admit that there's a lot I like about this poem. Let's start with a line-by-line shall we?
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Enemies [Your title is too simplistic for my liking. A title says a lot about a piece. A good title can be the difference between someone reading your poem or someone reading the one above it. I'll be honest and tell you I chose to crit this one because it didn't have many reviews but if I'd been looking for something to amuse myself, rather than someone to help, I wouldn't have even thought to look at this. Now, giving suggestions for titles is difficult because a title is often the most personal aspect of the poem but I think something relating to depth might be good or to perspective. Something that summarises your poem but in a more subtle, intriguing way.]
Trapped within themselves [A good start but I'd suggest a semi colon at the end of this line.]
So deep, that they don’t want help [I think you should expand on this. Maybe add another line, describing how limited their world is, how they have only their own views and their own company.]
And yet, I see their cries
Written on the pages before my eyes [This and the previous line are two of your weakest. They're unoriginal and over simple. I like the mix of sense, of being able to see cries rather than hear them but you haven't used it to the full advantage. Also, you need to expand on it. Perhaps something like:
And yet, I see their primitive cries:
lurking in cruel actions and the anger in their eyes.]
Minds so corrupted, they kill [Here your poem starts to get a little fragmented. Maybe 'Minds so corrupted; no choice but to kill' because if you're going to fragment, do it with style  ]
Slowly, themselves, so that others will
Perhaps accept them, but in doing so
They lose themselves, [I think a dash would work better here.] they’re letting go
Of all their dreams and independency [Full stop here. You're moving to your point so you want the beat to slow down. You don't want the ending of your poem to be lost amongst the rhyme and rhythm. Match your beginning and ease out gently. If that makes any sense at all?]
I remember [Comma here.] how they used to mock me [Full stop here. Also, I think you should add another couplet in expanding on those memories. Showing how these bullies made your persona feel.]
But I can’t help but pity [I'd suggest 'I can't help but feel pity']
These For these empty shells I once called enemies [This works but I think 'enemy' would actually fit just as well and give the idea that bullies are all part of the same group. They're not individuals and that, in essence, is what should be pitied.] |
Okay, time for a few general comments. Overall, this is a nice little poem and there's some good meaning behind it. The rhyme and rhythm work, to a degree, and it's enjoyable. But it's not highly persuasive or individual. My suggestion to you is to polish this one up a little and then set your standards higher for your next. Instead of concentrating on rhyme and rhythm, build on your ability to use imagery and to convey meaning. The rhyme and rhythm can always be brought back into your work later but first you need to build a stronger vocabulary and you need to practice making your poems visual and impacting. The best way to do that is by experimenting with free verse.
I hope you'll give that a go and feel free to pm me with questions or anything and if you found this useful, feel free to ask for reviews on other pieces of work.
Heather xx |
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