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lucyy
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 Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: A Titleless Story - Preface |
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This is a pretty short preface, but any suggestions or critiques on how I could make it better are extremely appreciated  . Also, I could always use some help in what to call this!! Anyways, hope you enjoy it!!& thanks for choosing to read it!
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Preface
I looked into his emerald green eyes, sparkling with defiance. With love.
I love you too, I wanted to shout back. I wanted so desperately to throw my arms around his neck, press my limp body against his strong statue, twist my fingers into his long, dark hair, and finally press my lips firmly against his. But I just couldn't - wouldn't. We both knew that our fates had been meddled with too much and we just could never be together.
I looked into his beautiful eyes one last time, turned wordlessly on my heel and walked away into the throng of holiday-makers, tears streaming down my face.
As I walked away from him, dragging my heavy suitcase behind me, I heard the dominant sound of my heart breaking in two, pulling me apart from the inside as I walked away from my true love. My soul mate. My only love. |
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Last edited by lucyy on Mon Sep 29, 2008 7:37 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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day tripper
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I'm confused. This is a prologue, so will the chapters explain what got them to
that point, or will they explain what happens after this point.
Making me have that question is excellent: you have me hooked.
Now, let's just make things a little longer(:
I looked into his emerald green eyes, sparkling with defiance. With love.
Since this is your opening sentence, it should give more detail and explanation.
Try something with a name, or something with:
I looked into Dude's Name hurt face, waiting impatiently. His eyebrows burrowed, his lips straight, and those emerald green eyes sparkling with defiance.
No, sparkling with love... for me.
Good? You don't have to use that exactly but it was an example.
I love you too, I wanted to shout back. I wanted so desperately to throw my arms around his neck, to twist my fingers in his long, dark hair and press my lips firmly against his. But I just couldn't be with him. We both knew that our fates had been meddled with too much and we just could never be together.
Here was good, but lets add some things to make this baby kick!(;
I love you too should be in ' ' since she's thinking it. Alright so from the desperation
I see he has long dark hair.
How about:
I wanted ever so much to mingle my arms around his neck, press my limp body against
his (strong, tall, etc) statue, weave my fingers into his thick, long dark hair, and finally press my lips against his. But I couldn't - I wouldn't. We both knew that are fates have been messed around with for far too long and we just couldn't ever be together.
Hmm? How's that sound?
I looked into his beautiful eyes one last time, turned wordlessly on my heel and walked away, tears streaming down my face.
I liked this. I can't really find anything wrong. Good job!
As I walked away from him, I heart the dominant sound of my heart breaking in two, pulling me apart from the inside as I walked away from my true love. My soul mate. My only love.
...I've written something like this. It was called Bandages. Here's how my ending sounded: “Okay.” It took a lot of strength, but I said it. I was choking on my own feelings, so upset. “But I want you to know that no matter how many days come and go; my feelings will never change for you.” And with that I opened the door and got out, lightly closing it and walking away from him, my heart’s bandages reopening, my pain filling my lungs, and finally, a tear trickled down my face.
The End.
So basically, I can 'relate'.
OH and by the way, it should be heard, not 'heart the sound'.
I think here you have to just add some more scenery detail or something. I can't
exactly pin point it but some thing's not right here!
Well! I'll be looking for the next part, most definitely! |
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Merry_Haven
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:02 pm Post subject: |
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Lucyy-
It is short, as I noticed and it's brief also. Names could help but it's just the prologue. The phrases to describes the man was great and description could be worked on. Like more in depth MC thoughts about her true love and the setting. Like is it midnight? Daylight? Dawn? Is there a sunrise or sunset? Where are they? Little things like that could help. Very romantic and a tinsy, little bit of chessiness. Which could help in some sort of way. {I don't know}. Otherwise I like it and I would like to see more, please. 
-Merry |
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salsashanno
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good introduction to a story. It left me wanting to read more  . If you wanted to make it longer, you could add in more about the characters' appearances, and the setting, to give the reader a clearer picture. Can't wait for more!
xoxo,
Shannon |
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listeningforthemuse
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 11:03 pm Post subject: Re: A Titleless Story - Prologue |
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I love it.
If I were you, I would polish it, but remember: less is more.
When I have stuff thats short like this, I build off of it into chapters and stuff.
Like, I started with a five-sentnce prologue and it morphed into a notebook full of writing.
Now that prologue is the back leaf.
Just a couple tips
Keep it coming! |
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In_the_Moonlight
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:08 am Post subject: Awesome |
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| You had me hooked from the very first sentence. EXCELLENT! I cannot wait to devour the first chapter. |
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lucyy
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:53 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for your tips & comments. I'm so glad you all liked it & want to read more!! hehe ... unbeleivable (:
& thank you daytripper for all your tips .. there's some seriously good bits that you've written there that I think I'm going to use & abuse
Haha thank you all & I shall get to editing this piece & completing the first chapter to it
Lucyy xx |
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bunnie_i_am
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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First off, I thought it was very good. In that short amount you wrote, it made me want to cry. That's very good.
Next, I saw one mistake.
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| As I walked away from him, I heart the dominant sound of my heart |
is it suppose to be I heard?
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| I looked into his emerald green eyes, sparkling with defiance. |
I love this part! it is so beautifully written.
PM me when you get more.
Good luck and keep writeing. |
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KaatiieBugg
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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This was very well written. It's got me wanting to know what happened, and what will happen....
It is very short though, and you could probably lengthen it a bit by describing them both a little bit more, and describing the setting. I couldn't figure out where they were at all!
I liked this little scene, but isn't "heart" supposed to be "heard?"
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| I heart the dominant sound of my heart breaking |
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KJ
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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I don't think this is a Prologue - it seems more like a Preface. And it's fine. It's attention-grabbing, and intriguing.
My advice to you would to add some insight of the guy's, to make it better. What was he thinking as he looked at her? Was he angry? But if it's only from her point of view, then forget it
This is a good start. But you need to keep writing. |
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lucyy
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:37 am Post subject: |
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Thank you, I'm going to edit those mistakes today & I'll add in a bit more scenery & descriptions. Thank you all for your tips & for reading this!!
Lucyy xx |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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All the possibilities...
There is so much that could happen with this and you have my mind on overload, which is such a good thing!
But I must comment on the length...too short for me. I guess prologues are meant to capture the reader and you have captured me, but I still can't help but want more with this. I don't know...it just seems like more of a flash back than a prologue.
But that's just me...
Can't wait to read more! |
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jasmine12
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 1:25 pm Post subject: Re: A Titleless Story - Preface |
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Hello Lucyy, I'm Jazz! =)
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| We both knew that our fates had been meddled with too much and we just could never be together. |
This sentence was the only one that bothered me. It didnt flow very well. Maybe take out 'Just' and reword a bit.
Okay, your excelent writing has me hooked.
On to part one.
--Jazz |
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lucyy
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:16 pm Post subject: |
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Heyy Jazz, nice to meet you (:
Thank you for reading this, and I'll reword the sentence you pointed out!!
Thank you for your review and I'm glad you liked it
Lucyy xx |
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Bella: "You're doing it again"
Edward: "What?"
Bella: "Dazzling me."
-- Twilight |
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