Topic ID: 34261
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
neophilic
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 6
Country: Kuwait
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: (Revised) confusion. |
 |
|
I posted this poem before, but after reviews by others (andimlovegalore, singing_hope, and VicternoO) I decided to use their comments to revise. Thanks guys!
To see the old poem, click {here}.
Perfection
is the ache in my chest.
Beats alongside my heart and
keeps the misery company.
Failure
visits too often.
Gives condolences for the loss of self-worth
then
bids farewell without leaving.
Guilt
comes in packages so very small.
It makes no entrance,
it gives no welcome -
simply injects itself into the vein
and spreads like a disease.
Depression
whispers sweet nothings into my ear.
Then lists my faults against my skin,
and leaves patches of rainclouds
where it breathes.
Happiness
is always fashionably late;
never stays long enough
to build a home
inside of me. |
Last edited by neophilic on Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:03 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
andimlovegalore
26,035
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 527
Reviews: 110
Country: England
377 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I love what you did to this poem. I think it's actually just right now, it's brilliant. Well done! You took the suggestions and made it wonderful, but in a personal way. I especially like the last stanza, it made a lot more sense than the first one =] Is the second to last stanza new? I love it anyway! Yeah, I gave this one a gold star because I like it so much. And I don't give them out very much. |
_________________
"Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?"
"Colon Explorer?"
"You know what I'm saying."
The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw.
Free reviews! Clicky. =D |
|
| Back to top |
|
neophilic
Novice
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 6
Country: Kuwait
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
The second to last stanza originally featured the gender-confused purple lion, but I decided to change it to fit more with the theme of the poem.
Thanks for the gold star! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
salsashanno
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Posts: 110
Reviews: 42
Country: here, not there
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:45 pm Post subject: Re: (Revised) confusion. |
|
|
This poem was beautifully written. It was honest and true, and displayed a theme that anyone and everyone can relate to, we've all felt it at some point. The first stanza was my favorite part, and a truly fabulous way to open the poem:
[quote="neophilic"]
Perfection
is the ache in my chest.
Beats alongside my heart and
keeps the misery company.
/quote] |
_________________
"A wild thing may say wild things." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 232
Reviews: 139
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:32 am Post subject: Re: (Revised) confusion. |
|
|
I like this! It's much improved, simply with changes to one stanza and the addition of another. As an aside, I feel like this is more lyrical than dramatic.
| neophilic wrote: |
Perfection
is the ache in my chest.
Beats alongside my heart and
keeps the misery company. |
I'm not keen on the omission of the subject in the third line - I always want to say 'it beats alongside...' but that's just me. I love 'keeps the misery company'!
| Quote: |
Failure
visits too often.
Gives condolences for the loss of self-worth - Love!
then - Not sure about this on its own line.
bids farewell without leaving. - Again, brilliant imagery!
Guilt
comes in packages so very small.
It makes no entrance,
it gives no welcome -
simply injects itself into the vein
and spreads like a disease. |
'it gives no welcome' - I'd change this slightly. Guilt is the guest, so it wouldn't give a welcome. Maybe something like 'it voices no greeting' or 'arrives undeclared'.
| Quote: |
Depression
whispers sweet nothings into my ear.
Then lists my faults against my skin,
and leaves patches of rainclouds
where it breathes. |
I wasn't sure about 'patches of rainclouds' but now I quite like it.
| Quote: |
Happiness
is always fashionably late;
never stays long enough
to build a home
inside of me. |
I liked 'fashionably late', because it almost makes happiness into a popular kid in high school or something, and contrasted with the entrance of guilt that you talked about earlier. I liked the ending but I think it would be interesting if you could link it with the other emotions. Perhaps it never moves in next door to perfection? Maybe that's a bit blah, I tried to come up with some suggestions but they were all awful. 
I think the metaphors you've used are the poem's strongest point - I especially liked the 'failure' stanza. The whole poem was very well-written. Well done! |
_________________
Click for critiques
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
|
| Back to top |
|
NewWriter
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 10 Dec 2007
Posts: 148
Reviews: 25
Country: Inside my Tamora Pierce books
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:33 pm Post subject: Re: (Revised) confusion. |
|
|
| neophilic wrote: |
Perfection
is the ache in my chest.
Beats alongside my heart and
keeps the misery company.
Failure
visits too often.
Gives condolences for the loss of self-worth
then I like putting this on its own line. It seems right, somehow.
bids farewell without leaving.
Guilt
comes in packages so very small.
It makes no entrance,
it gives no welcome -
simply injects itself into the vein
and spreads like a disease.
Depression
whispers sweet nothings into my ear.
Then lists my faults against my skin,
and leaves patches of rainclouds
where it breathes.
Happiness
is always fashionably late;
never stays long enough
to build a home
inside of me. |
I really like this, especially the way you start every stanza with the emotion. The line breaks are excellent and your imagery is gorgeous. This definitely gets a gold star from me. I couldn't find anything I wanted to change, either. Keep it up. |
_________________
98% of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens. |
|
| Back to top |
|
clueless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 100
Reviews: 34
448 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 5:41 pm Post subject: Re: (Revised) confusion. |
|
|
wow, i think the way you described the different feelings is really good. they bring the poem to life.
| neophilic wrote: |
Guilt
comes in packages so very small.
It makes no entrance,
it gives no welcome -
simply injects itself into the vein
and spreads like a disease.
^this was my favorite stanza, i could really imagine it. it is just like a disease.
Depression
whispers sweet nothings into my ear.
Then lists my faults against my skin,
and leaves patches of rainclouds
where it breathes.
^this was my least favorite. i do not get a very good mental picture. i like the "rainclouds where it breaths," but i do not understand the second line in reference to the rest of the stanza. |
bravo. |
_________________
I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is a good beginning; the progression of ideals/emotions makes sense but I'd like to see more imagery, especially around the idea of making a home. It's vaguely present in almost every stanza (company in the first; visiting in the second; entrance/welcome in the third; homemaking in the fifth), but then there are all these other things out of nowhere, like veins and disease and hearts. It seems very scattered, and even more so because it's not heavily tied to the idea of confusion. It's much tighter and much more streamlined than the original version, but in spite of that (and perhaps, because of it) I know it can be better!
Happy writing! |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
