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Lurlene_Mcdaniel_Rox
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 Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:51 am Post subject: Moonlight Romance |
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Moonlight Romance
As we lay there, on his soft fleece blanket, looking up at the beautiful array of flashing, breathtaking fireworks, I realised I was in love. It was an amazing shutter than ran up and down my spine. I knew it that it wasn't much, but I had a feeling and they are right most of the time, so I went on it. We were surrounded by nothing but sky, so I took my chance and leaned over towards him, and whispered gently in his ear, “Michael, I-I-I _I love you”. Then right then, he turned towards me and whispered back,” I love you too, baby”.
I woke up the next morning lying in the back of 1991 Toyota Truck, naked with only a button down t-shirt that Michael was wearing the night before. I abruptly sat up and looked around to find Michael nowhere around, I freaked out and pulled on my cut-off short shorts as fast as I could and jumped out of the truck and looked around for any sign of where he might be.
After I looked around, I decided that I would clean the truck up. So I did and then I went and cleaned myself up by the lake. While I was down there when I bent over to wash my face, I felt a heavy hand on my back and then the next thing I knew I was in the water, soaked. I looked up at the person who pushed me in and it was Michael. I was furious but I was also happy that it was him. He handed me his hand and helped me out, then led me back up to the truck and handed me a towel. Right after he handed me the towel his phone rang so while I was drying off he took the call. He came back and got into the truck without much of an explanation and told me to get in. He sped as fast as he could back into town and then told me as he pulled up to my house that it was a family emergency then drove.
As I sat at home on my bed in my room, holding his blue and white shirt, that I had been wearing earlier that morning, I wondered whether staying out all night had been worth being grounded for 2 weeks. I sat there and thought about it for what seemed like eternity until my phone rang and displayed Michael’s name. I answered the call with caution, for I did not know what he was going to say. As soon as I said Hi into the receiver of the phone a very deep voice replied,”Hey, sorry about this morning, my kid sister fell down the stairs. Sorry again, could you come to my house tonight." I replied by saying, "No sorry I am grounded because I stayed out all night and if I am caught on the phone I will be in deeper trouble so I got to go. Byebye" He then said sorry again and in a very apologetic tone said, "Okay bye." |
Last edited by Lurlene_Mcdaniel_Rox on Sat Aug 16, 2008 2:45 am; edited 3 times in total |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
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Hello, I noticed your new and wanted to take the time to say welcome to YWS!!! I'm Max. This was a great first, second, thrid ect... post. I loved the beginning but I think you rushed the ending just a bit. I think you should consider making this post a little bit longer. The ending was OK but it wasn't
THE NOTEBOOK great. I think you should carefully plan it out instead of rushing, rushing makes you make more mistakes instead of making it more realistic. I like the part where you made the girl cry since she realized she'd just lost her viginity. That's realistic!!! But the end where she marries him three months later, that's rushed. I hope there's more because this was good I think you should continue this. Sorry if this was harsh I know your new, and it isn't to be mean it's true, feedback.
PM me if you have any questions, good luck, have fun, and keep writing.
your friend
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summersmilesxoxo
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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"It was an amazing shutter than ran up and down my spine."
You should instead write.."It was an amazing shutter of happiness that ran up and down my spine." otherwise theres confusion about why she was shuttering.
"I knew it wasn’t much, but hey, i had a feeling..."
Instead write "I knew it wasn't much, but i had a feeling..."
the hey sounds awkward and unneccessary.
"I woke up the next morning lying in the back of 1991 Toyota Truck"
Put "lying in the back of a 1991 Toyota Truck."
"Disgusted and excited at the same time, I fell down to my knees and cried right then and there."
If she was excited she wouldnt have started to cry.
If he started to laugh while she was crying, im sure she would have cared alittle more than she did. it seems to have been really emotional for her.
"for I did not know what he was going to say."
write "because I didn't know what he was going to say."
it would sound better as a contraction.
"I realised after that call he was the right guy for me and snuck out to see him."
Nothing from the phone call really stuck out and made him seem like "the right guy".
"since I had graduated in June"
they both, especially her, seem way to immature to have graduated already.
overall this is a good story, keep writing.  |
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summersmilesxoxo
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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"It was an amazing shutter than ran up and down my spine."
You should instead write.."It was an amazing shutter of happiness that ran up and down my spine." otherwise theres confusion about why she was shuttering.
"I knew it wasn’t much, but hey, i had a feeling..."
Instead write "I knew it wasn't much, but i had a feeling..."
the hey sounds awkward and unneccessary.
"I woke up the next morning lying in the back of 1991 Toyota Truck"
Put "lying in the back of a 1991 Toyota Truck."
"Disgusted and excited at the same time, I fell down to my knees and cried right then and there."
If she was excited she wouldnt have started to cry.
If he started to laugh while she was crying, im sure she would have cared alittle more than she did. it seems to have been really emotional for her.
"for I did not know what he was going to say."
write "because I didn't know what he was going to say."
it would sound better as a contraction.
"I realised after that call he was the right guy for me and snuck out to see him."
Nothing from the phone call really stuck out and made him seem like "the right guy".
"since I had graduated in June"
they both, especially her, seem way to immature to have graduated already.
overall this is a good story, keep writing. |
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Evangaline+Angel
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: Takes your breath away |
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i realized i was holding my breath, reading the beginning of this story. i thought it might not be able to keep my attention long enough but i was wrong. I found myself holding my breath as it continued on, and numerous questions popped into my mind but were immediately answered.
Though i have to say yes, the ending was rushed. It leaves a feeling of mystification on the ending and i would've loved more info.Perhaps such as what her parent felt about her leaving or something
I'm not much of a critic though this few lines might help:
"As I sat at home on my bed in my room, holding his blue and white shirt, that I had been wearing earlier"
perhaps it would be best if you took away the coma after shirt and before the word that, since you were using ;that; for the shirt right? so it would be
"in my room, holding his blue and white shirt that i had been wearing earlier"
And the middle part where he's asking her why she cries and the answers she gives saying, "I don't exactly know why?" During that part, i was having confusion in determining who was speaking although i figured it out in the end. You know what to do ^^
Hey, the mistakes doesn't matter as long as they aren't repeated right? Write your own style and don't be following anything that doesn't feel right to you. =D
Can't wait for more! -
+Evan+ |
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Merry_Haven
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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Lurlene_Mcdaniel_Rox-
I kept my eyes focused on the computer screen because this story was intense. It was well written, but I felt like the ending was rushed. Just a little. But I have a few questions...
I wanted to know why there were fireworks out. Was it fourth of July or something else?
Was there a name to the girl? 'Cause I didn't find one.
What do her parents think of her going out? Of course they were mad, 'cause they grounded her, but what thoughts do they have on that situation about their daughter?
I can't think of anything else. But answering these questions through out the story, could help become a better{well written} story.
So great job! And I love the title: Moonlight Romance. It's just too cute.
-Merry |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 4:58 pm Post subject: |
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All right, you had all the elements for a good romance. Love, Trouble, Regret, Doubt. All those things come together, but I found your story kind of choppy  I mean, it was basically you telling us about one of your friends that this happened to. I had no chance to connect with the MC or her boyfriend. You have to give us more than just the “I love you” part, you know?
Well, I just copy/pasted your story to make it easier to correct:
As we lay there, on his soft fleece blanket, looking up at the beautiful array of flashing, breathtaking fireworks, I realised I was in love. It was an amazing shutter than ran up and down my spine. I knew it that it wasn't much, but I had a feeling and they are right most of the time, so I went on it. We were surrounded by nothing but sky, so I took my chance and leaned over towards him, and whispered gently in his ear, “Michael, I-I-I _I love you”. [First, is she stuttering because she’s nervous? Because I was slightly confused by that. Second, you should start a new paragraph after this because a new person is talking.] Then right then [Whoa, very repetitive here. Try instead like: Right then… or something], he turned towards me and whispered back,” I love you too, baby”.
I woke up the next morning lying in the back of 1991 Toyota Truck, naked with only a button down t-shirt that Michael was wearing the night before. I abruptly sat up and looked around to find Michael nowhere around, [either cross out the comma after “around” and start a new sentence with “I freaked…” or change the comma to a semicolon] I freaked out and pulled on my cut-off short shorts as fast as I could and jumped out of the truck and looked around for any sign of where he might be.
After I looked around, I decided that I would clean the truck up. [you switch emotions here. One moment she is freaked out, the next calm and collected. Maybe go into more detail about that because the transition was kind of abrupt. If that were me, I would be pretty mad that he just ditched me and I would even think about cleaning the truck  ] So I did and then I went and cleaned myself up by the lake. While I was down there when I bent over to wash my face, I felt a heavy hand on my back and then the next thing I knew I was in the water, soaked. I looked up at the person who pushed me in and it was Michael. I was furious but I was also happy that it was him. [Okay, was he just kidding around by pushing her in the water or was he mad at her? I’m confused…need to have more detail here about that] He handed me his hand and helped me out, then led me back up to the truck and handed me a towel. Right after he handed me the towel his phone rang so while I was drying off he took the call. He came back and got into the truck without much of an explanation and told me to get in. He sped as fast as he could back into town and then told me as he pulled up to my house that it was a family emergency then drove.
As I sat at home on my bed in my room, holding his blue and white shirt, that I had been wearing earlier that morning, I wondered whether staying out all night had been worth being grounded for 2 weeks. I sat there and thought about it for what seemed like eternity until my phone rang and displayed Michael’s name. I answered the call with caution, for I did not know what he was going to say. As soon as I said Hi into the receiver of the phone a very deep voice replied, ”Hey, sorry about this morning, my kid sister fell down the stairs. Sorry again, could you come to my house tonight." [First, wouldn’t he be really upset about his sister. And if he was upset, wouldn’t he have told her earlier when he sped back into town? Second, you need to start a new paragraph because a new person is talking.] I replied by saying, "No sorry I am grounded because I stayed out all night and if I am caught on the phone I will be in deeper trouble so I got to go. Byebye" [new paragraph]He then said sorry again and in a very apologetic tone said, "Okay bye."
Okay, this was decent. But you still need to work on developing the characters and plot. Right now, you kind of have a story going, but the ending was sort of abrupt and kind of pointless You need to try to make the ending something that will force the reader to keep reading. Not something that will discourage them, you know?
Hopefully this helped and Good Luck with this! |
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Tabithalillian
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:07 pm Post subject: |
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| It was really nice. I am new here so sorry if I say some thing wrong! But I liked it. One thing is it seemed a bit rushed and I would like a longer post next time. Will there be a backrounf story later? Because I felt like it just started right in and we knew nothing about Michelle. But overall it was nice! Keep up the good work. |
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Princess
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:14 am Post subject: GREAT |
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I loved it!!!! you are one heckofa writer. the only critique i can give you is that you need more details... but you gave me totall chills!!!!!!!! im still covered in goosepimples, and when you said she realised she was in love, it made me want more explination..
keep it up  |
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kaonna
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:47 am Post subject: |
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This was so good I was hooked all the way! I held my breath waiting for the next part and thats the good part about reading this. I can't wait to read what you have in store for next time. I will be sure to read it. I am new as well and slightly nervous about posting my work though I will post my first two chapters of my 18th century romance when I type them from my notebook even if they are choppy and full of errors due to my whole rushing to write phase.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!! 
~Kaonna N. |
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praisejoe
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:38 pm Post subject: |
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hello i found your work and just wanted to say hi, you're welcome to YWS it is a wonderful world online where you can create, write and blog. your story tittled moonlight romance was so intresting. " As we lay there, on his soft fleece blanket, looking up at the beautiful array of flashing, breathtaking fireworks, I realised I was in love. It was an amazing shutter than ran up and down my spine. I knew it that it wasn't much, but I had a feeling and they are right most of the time, so I went on it. We were surrounded by nothing but sky, so I took my chance and leaned over towards him, and whispered gently in his ear, “Michael, I-I-I _I love you”. Then right then, he turned towards me and whispered back,” I love you too, baby”.
I woke up the next morning lying in the back of 1991 Toyota Truck, naked with only a button down t-shirt that Michael was wearing the night before. I abruptly sat up and looked around to find Michael nowhere around, I freaked out and pulled on my cut-off short shorts as fast as I could and jumped out of the truck and looked around for any sign of where he might be.
After I looked around, I decided that I would clean the truck up. So I did and then I went and cleaned myself up by the lake. While I was down there when I bent over to wash my face, I felt a heavy hand on my back and then the next thing I knew I was in the water, soaked. I looked up at the person who pushed me in and it was Michael. I was furious but I was also happy that it was him. He handed me his hand and helped me out, then led me back up to the truck and handed me a towel. Right after he handed me the towel his phone rang so while I was drying off he took the call. He came back and got into the truck without much of an explanation and told me to get in. He sped as fast as he could back into town and then told me as he pulled up to my house that it was a family emergency then drove.
As I sat at home on my bed in my room, holding his blue and white shirt, that I had been wearing earlier that morning, I wondered whether staying out all night had been worth being grounded for 2 weeks. I sat there and thought about it for what seemed like eternity until my phone rang and displayed Michael’s name. I answered the call with caution, for I did not know what he was going to say. As soon as I said Hi into the receiver of the phone a very deep voice replied,”Hey, sorry about this morning, my kid sister fell down the stairs. Sorry again, could you come to my house tonight." I replied by saying, "No sorry I am grounded because I stayed out all night and if I am caught on the phone I will be in deeper trouble so I got to go. Byebye" He then said sorry again and in a very apologetic tone said, "Okay bye." the story was quite too rushy, it seemed you were in so much haste to end up quickly. |
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