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This thread was created on August 9, 2008
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Independent
Topic ID: 34217
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laughingfreakx3
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2007
Posts: 32
Reviews: 15
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: Independent |
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Be independent
don't sit there,
cooped up in a shell
your actions affect everyone around you
and you act so confused
You tell me lies
and don't comment to your promises
I have to pick your brain
to get the truth out
There's no communication between us
you say you'll be here by 6
and you get here by 9
whats wrong with you
why don't you speak to me
Noting is private anymore
I vent to friends on the phone
and the little ones
they know whats going on
We want you out
but you say you need more time
but the truth is
you have nowhere to go
I am so frustrated
I am losing my mind
we just need to push you into the water
and you have to know to swim by yourself.
This is about my cousin that is living with us and I put it in my parents perspective. |
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the best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up
Last edited by laughingfreakx3 on Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:53 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Insomniac
New Member
Gender:
Age: 97
Joined: 10 Aug 2008
Posts: 1
Reviews: 1
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:04 am Post subject: |
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I liked this a lot. It reminds me a lot of something, a movie, a book, an expirience of mine.. I can't put my finger on it.
The only mistakes I noticed were two spelling errors or typos.
In the beginning, effect, should be affect. And "noting is private anymore", well I think you get what you are supposed to change it to. ;] |
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She Writes
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 12
Joined: 25 Feb 2007
Posts: 249
Reviews: 36
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: Independent Crit |
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MAYA!
Hey, girlie.
I'm a bit unsure of this. I think it is a good idea, but I know it could use some editing.
------CRIT---------
Be independent!
don't sit there,
cooped up in a shell.
your actions effect everyone around you
and you act so confused.
You tell me lies,
THIN don't COMMIT to your promises.
I have to pick your brain
to get the truth out.
There's no communication between us;
you say you'll be here by 6,
and you get here by 9.
whats wrong with you?
why don't you speak to me?
Noting is private anymore.
I vent to friends on the phone,
and the little ones...
they know whats going on.
We want you out,
but you say you need more time.
but the truth is
you have nowhere to go.
I am so frustrated,
I am losing my mind.
we just need to push you into the water,
and you have to know to swim by yourself.
--END CRIT--
I love the last two lines. Good metaphore!
Keep working on this.
Court |
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| This thread was created on August 9, 2008 |
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