Topic ID: 34209
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neophilic
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Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
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 Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 9:48 am Post subject: the sounds of my summer. |
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The cut up lines are meant to mimic a heart beat.
It's four in the morning and I'm
waking for my daily dose of
failure pills and guilt medicine.
Dizzy, I
falter my feet
and fall.
Crawling, I'm curling
into
a circle of unworthiness;
a body of wasted space.
"It's no good, it's no good."
my mouth opens to say.
And slowly, with rhythm,
the room begins to sway.
Reeling, I
cry out in
pieces of a phobia
I now own.
Thanks to the
many weeks
I've known
these hard white tiles, this
jade green rug.
Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;
smiling at the
sound of the
faucet drips
into the sink
in coincidental time to
my irregular
heart beat. |
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kittykat
la lalala la...
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285 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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 *stares at screen*
Wow. Is there really anymore to say about this? It was... was... Wow. You know what? I think this should be put in the song forum instead. I mean, I could hear the music that could go along with it! And I could see the music video that would soon be made after!
This would go great as a sort of punk rock song. ^^ This was my absolutely most favorite part:
| Quote: |
Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;
smiling at the
sound of the
faucet drips
into the sink
in coincidental time to
my irregular
heart beat. |
I could even hear the heart beat that would be heard in the background of the song. Have you thought about being a song writer before?  If you did write this as a song I think that the quote I put should be chorus and mayber you should add a little more and then the chorus again and end it like that? I don't know, but what I do know is that I loved this piece. I really hope I get to see more of your work soon!
-kittykat
+star |
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This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
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neophilic
Novice
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Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
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Country: Kuwait
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, haha. I didn't know it was that good.
Thanks! That really really means a lot. |
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Livinginfantasy
YAY Violence!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 415
Reviews: 174
Country: Fantasy... DUH
350 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:04 pm Post subject: Re: the sounds of my summer. |
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| neophilic wrote: |
The cut up lines are meant to mimic a heart beat.
It's four in the morning and I'm
waking for my daily dose of
failure pills and guilt medicine.
Dizzy, I
falter my feet
and fall.
Crawling, I'm curling
into
a circle of unworthiness;
a body of wasted space.
"It's no good, it's no good."
my mouth opens to say.
And slowly, with rhythm,
the room begins to sway.
Reeling, I
cry out in
pieces of a phobia
I now own.
Thanks to the
many weeks
I've known
these hard white tiles, this
jade green rug.
Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;
smiling at the
sound of the
faucet drips
into the sink
in coincidental time to
my irregular
heart beat. |
Woah. I'm gonna have to agree with kitty on this one. This sounds more like lyrics to a great song. I loved those first four lines... and your word choice is flawless.
Man on man, you're getting a star for this. PM me when you get more of your work up, I'd love to read it! 
Oh yeah, this is going to be stuck in my head all day with the little tune that you've seemed to create along with it.
*sings the last verse* "Failing, failing, falling, I'm flailing..." |
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neophilic
Novice
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Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 6
Country: Kuwait
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, five stars! Featured work, too. Thanks! Wow. |
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salsashanno
Senior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Posts: 110
Reviews: 42
Country: here, not there
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, wow, wow! I loved this, loved this, loved this! It's flawlessly written, and has left me in awe. There are few things I love more than a poem with a nice rhythm, as well, so kudos for that . I liked this too much to even picked a favorite part, hahaha. But, this was fantastic, you're a wonderful poet...keep at it! I'd love to see more! |
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kaylatheyoungwritter
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Joined: 09 Aug 2008
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Reviews: 0
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: |
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WOW that was really amazing. GOOD WORK. I agree with everybody else
I thought that is was very professional
It was interesting, it was so good that I wanted
to hear more. |
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Mz.kayla |
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KaatiieBugg
Writer
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Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 68
Reviews: 13
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Ok, wow, that was great! I too, was reading it and could hear like the music and stuff... This would be a really great song. I agree completely with everyone else, you should think about writing songs! i've tried a couple times, but this is just... wow. Good job! |
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lady lazarus
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 31 Jul 2008
Posts: 28
Reviews: 2
Country: America
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:39 am Post subject: Re: the sounds of my summer. |
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| neophilic wrote: |
The cut up lines are meant to mimic a heart beat.
It's four in the morning and I'm
waking for my daily dose of
failure pills and guilt medicine.
Dizzy, I
falter my feet (falter my feet? That part confuses me, and it sounds a little awkward. I see the alliteration you're going for but maybe something like "Dizzy, my feet falter and I fall" would sound better)
and fall.
Crawling, I'm curling
into
a circle of unworthiness (again, curling into a circle...doesn't sound right. Curling into something else would be better, maybe something like "Crawling, I'm curling, my body is unworthy, a mass of wasted space");
a body of wasted space.
"It's no good, it's no good."
my mouth opens to say.
And slowly, with rhythm, (these next two lines are beautiful. Perfect.)
the room begins to sway.
Reeling, I
cry out in
pieces of a phobia
I now own.
Thanks to the
many weeks
I've known (I like the way 'own' and 'known' rhyme)
these hard white tiles, this
jade green rug.
Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;
smiling at the
sound of the
faucet drips
into the sink
in coincidental time to
my irregular
heart beat. (PERFECT ENDING.) |
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they call it night,
and I call it mine. |
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Gadi.
O FOR VICTORY!
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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This poem was confusing and disjointed. It was also interesting, fresh, and very rhythmic. I feel as if it could use a lot more extra help though, but I personally liked it, and at least it wasn't a downright selfless, "emo" poem.
Here are my suggestions:
Mainly, the problem with this poem is its unnecessary, awkward, semi-cliche, ambiguous moments that dot it. Here are some examples:
"falter my feet"
"a circle of unworthiness"
"my mouth opens to say"
"Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;"
"in coincidental time
to my irregular heartbeat"
which should be, and could be completely altered to be more beautiful, poetic, less forced.
Also, you should show more rather than tell. That means that instead of telling us that you are dizzy, show us: say to us, "With twisted, faltering feet" rather than "Dizzy, I falter my feet."
Anyway... I hope I helped. |
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