Topic ID: 34206
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irishdancer27
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 Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:29 am Post subject: the heartache of endings |
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The words looked magical upon the glossy page,
Filled with enchantment and adventure and indescribable wonder.
With a careful touch she stroked them,
For they were her own.
She’d been right beside him from day one,
Through storms and seas and swamps,
Through deserts and forests and hills,
Over mountains and under tunnels and off cliffs.
He was her hero,
Her strength,
Her imagination made living through words.
She’d seen him meet the king,
Kill the enemy,
Kiss the lover.
She couldn’t bear to let him go and forget him and his wondrous land.
She couldn’t bear to write the last thought,
To form the last letter,
To read the last word.
Her heart was heavy as she kissed the page and sealed the envelope.
He was over.
They were over.
Then, before she could whisper goodbye, the likes of another was stirring, awakening.
Once upon a time . . . |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:34 pm Post subject: Re: the heartache of endings |
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You know, this might be the first time I got goosebumps reading a poem here. You picked a great subject to appeal to writers! 
However, of course, I do have some suggestions to make, because I believe the poem can be even better:
| irishdancer27 wrote: |
The words looked magical upon the glossy page,
Filled with enchantment and adventure and indescribable wonder.
With a careful touch she stroked them,
For they were her own. |
I love that the words were 'filled with enchantment and adventure and indescribable wonder'. However, the opening lines are just too much like prose at the moment. 'The words looked magical' is telling too much. Why do the words look magical? Maybe they don't. The simple page could be hiding the magic. Who could tell that squiggly lines and dots could convey emotion? Who could tell a story played out underneath headings and above page numbers? Are the plain 12-point Times New Roman characters a clever ruse to trick people into thinking there could never be such magic there? I'm rambling just now to get you thinking, but I know that if you try to make every line sparkle, then you can improve this so much.
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She’d been right beside him from day one,
Through storms and seas and swamps,
Through deserts and forests and hills,
Over mountains and under tunnels and off cliffs. |
I reckon something simple like 'from the beginning' would be better than 'day one'. I can't think of an alternative, but 'off cliffs' doesn't flow as well as the rest of this section. I'd try to find an alternative. Aside from that, I liked this section - the structure helps to show the journey (not tell, like you had before), and I liked the alliteration in the second line there.
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He was her hero,
Her strength,
Her imagination made living through words. |
'Made living' should go. I think you might have been trying to come up with another way to say 'brought to life' when you used this, which is good because it means you were trying to avoid cliché, however 'made living' is not your best substitute. You could say 'animated' or 'her words giving life to figments of her imagination' but the latter suggestion's rubbish so don't use that - you can come up with something better!
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She’d seen him meet the king,
Kill the enemy,
Kiss the lover. - I'm not sure about these two ideas on their own lines, but I'm not sure if they would work as well on one.
She couldn’t bear to let him go and forget him and his wondrous land.
She couldn’t bear |
'She couldn't bear' is telling. Sorry to say it again, I really hate the phrase 'show, don't tell', but it is useful to remember. Instead of saying 'She couldn't bear', let us realise it for ourselves - show us the tear that escapes when she approaches the end of the novel, her reluctance to finish the last sentence.
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to write type the last thought,
To form the last letter,
To read write the last word. |
I played around with the wording there because I wanted you to finish with 'write the last word', but then I thought about it again, and I actually do quite like 'read' - she has now become passive, the story is over. You can decide which way you want to go with that.
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| Her heart was heavy as she kissed the page and sealed the envelope. |
I like how you show that she seals it with a kiss, then you continue the comparison between author and character as a relationship with:
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He was over.
They were over. |
Brilliant! I'm still deciding if I would let you off with 'heavy heart'. 
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Then, before she could whisper goodbye, the likes of another was stirring, awakening.
Once upon a time . . . |
Finishing with 'Once upon a time' - fantastic.
I hope this doesn't seem too harsh but this poem really attracted my attention and I want it to be the best it can! Please let me know if you ever edit it, and thank you for the read.
*Gold star* |
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Leja
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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Filled with enchantment and adventure and indescribable wonder.
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But it's your job as a poet to describe the indescribable wonder! ^_^
This is a very good start, and there's a good balance between the story itself and the narrator's relation to the story. But go above and beyond! Describe the indescribable and pay close attention to word choice to make the poem read as rich as it seems. |
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In_the_Moonlight
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:04 pm Post subject: |
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I LOVED IT!!! Wow, that was really intense. I have too agree with Sapphire, this poem gave me goosebumps. I felt like I was reading a huge book!
Then, before she could whisper goodbye, the likes of another was stirring, awakening.
Once upon a time . . .
This might be might favorite line. I love how you just trailed of letting us sabor the whole poem. Two thumbs up. |
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