Topic ID: 34202
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hobbes
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 Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 4:26 am Post subject: Hello |
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If I call
will you arrive?
If I yell your name
will you yell back?
If the world needs a hero
can you finish the job?
Death cannot stop you,
you rise above.
A perfect pearl
flawless gem
the only one
you are,
Take my words
I know you will
do what you want
I shall obey
cannot say goodbye
your always there
so I say
hello
--Mark-- |
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if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
he who laughs last, has a slow mind.
Last edited by hobbes on Sun Aug 10, 2008 12:48 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Livinginfantasy
OW!
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Country: Fantasy... DUH
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: Re: Hello |
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| hobbes wrote: |
If I call
will you arrive?
If I yell your name
will you yell back?
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Horrible first four lines! I suggest scratching those and starting all over.
| Quote: |
If the world needs a hero
can you finish the job?
Death cannot stop you,
you rise above. |
I like these though. Probably my favorite part of this poem.
I don't see the necessity of this line, try removing it.
| Quote: |
Take my words
I know you will
do what you want
I shall obey
cannot say goodbye
your always there
so I say
hello |
I'm not following. I don't get this ending at all. Your word choice is confusing. I feel the only reason you worded it this way was because you think this is how poets write. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Or maybe I just don't get it..  
So as you can see, there is promise here. There were four lines I truly enjoyed. Just try polishing up the rest. |
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I bought a dog the other day...
I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him...
'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' |
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clueless
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350 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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hmmm... im searching for a deeper meaning.......
that was awesome. after reading it a second time i acctualy realized its like a romance, but more a poem of devotion.
i loved it.
--mary-- |
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I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
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Bookmarker
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463 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: Reply |
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This poem wasn't one of my favorites, but I was told that you wrote it at two in da mornin or some thing. It was still good! 
You spell "jem" with a g so it's gem! Unless it was a name or some thing.
You spell "your" like you're in the sentence that it is in so it's you are.
Besides those thangs it was prittay goood! 
P.S. This dude is posessed!   |
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gamechanger10
Breath of heaven, hold me together.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:20 pm Post subject: |
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Well, umm...
This wasn't one of your best pieces. The flow was a bit off, and it seemed a tad cliche to me.
I understood that you were coming from a romantic-type angle, but it was still a bit scattered.
It was just okay for me. |
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"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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Gabe
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300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 3:39 pm Post subject: |
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let me guess, you wrote this when we slept over and you were staying up to watch the olympics, right?
anyway, it was a great poem. There was a couple of parts off but considering you wrote this at two in the morning I'll cut you some slack.
"cannot say goodbye
your always there
so I say
hello"
That was my favorite part of my the poem.
I'm sure there are many ways to percieve this poem but I the way I took it is that it 's basically a worship poem explaining the greatness of God and how he will never leave you.
Awesome poem!!!!! |
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October Girl
LOVESTORY /Loves her posting buddies!!! <3/
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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| hello ^_^ nice poem now all you have to do is write a poem called Goodbye. |
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hobbes
Writer
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Country: i can not say that.It would comprimise our agents in the field
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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gabe and Mary got it right.
already workin on it october girl
--mark-- |
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if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.
he who laughs last, has a slow mind. |
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