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whence
look, it's a whence.
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 Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:46 am Post subject: Raze the Roof |
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first in a long, long while.
Raze the Roof
Let’s sit and discuss the morality of walking through walls;
of coursing through the veins of this place like syphilis.
The writing on the lawn, (though the lighting’s all wrong)
smears something like iloveyou.
We’ll steal a deep breath, of asbestos and loneliness,
and call it home.
And I’ll count blessings like calories,
because optimism’s in my blood,
and my cells can’t cope with sincerity like they should.
I prick every finger that brushed past this place,
suck out the venom,
hold it on my tongue like wine.
A toast to the new year, with blood and broken glass.
A toast to the corpses of my past, and especially to
those still tied up in the trunk,
just trying to catch their breath as if it did
something criminal. |
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The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway
I'm reminding myself to crit this
Last edited by whence on Sun Aug 17, 2008 7:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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neophilic
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 6:46 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, I loved this piece. The imagery is astounding, really.
| Quote: |
And I’ll count blessings like calories,
because optimism’s in my blood,
and my cells can’t cope with sincerity like they should.
I prick every finger that brushed past this place,
suck out the venom,
hold it on my tongue like wine. |
I loved this stanza best, especially the picture I get with the last line. Gorgeous writing!
The last stanza (especially the last few lines) were nice as well, I liked the way they ended the poem.
I hope to read more of your poetry soon =] |
Last edited by neophilic on Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:48 am Post subject: |
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Wow. I have to agree that the imagery is good. But it's kinda unclear of what you're trying to say...is it something to do with life?
Overall, it was good. Great choice of words. |
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errtu2
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:58 am Post subject: |
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This poem sounds like something strait out of the sunset tree by the mountain goats. That being said, well done. Its modern and accessible without being childish in the least, a rare feat.
This wonderful description of a home is an excellent counterweight to both the angst teenage description of home and the bubble gum home is where the heart is tripe.
Again, good work.
If you could see you way over to 8 ways of looking at trees in the other poetry section i would appreciate it.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic33901.html |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my gosh this is beautiful. I ADORE it. Truly, truly wonderful, I am so impressed. This is the best poem I've read in a long time =] I'm having such a good day today. The first two lines really got me straight away,
Let’s sit and discuss the morality of walking through walls;
of coursing through the veins of this place like syphilis.
Just perfect. I thought 'this could just go down hill' but it didn't at all, it kept up being brilliant right to the end. I honestly have nothing to say as critisism, this is just perfect. |
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whence
look, it's a whence.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for all the feedback, everyone =]
| Lil_Pau wrote: |
But it's kinda unclear of what you're trying to say...is it something to do with life?
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It was intended as commentary on the weird relationship between people and the places they choose to live. Each one leaves its mark on the other, etc, etc, and what happens when that relationship changes/is gone.
Sorry if that wasn't clear.
Oh, and errtu2, I'll try and crit that piece as soon as I can. I'm busy at the moment, and you've already had to wait, but I'll make sure to get to it soon =].
And thanks again, everyone. |
_________________
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway
I'm reminding myself to crit this |
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Leja
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| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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This poem read like it was trying to impersonate lyrics but didn't quite want to (the second stanza especially). In all, I'm kind of confused. I like the first stanza a lot, but what follows seems to be so different (in tone, subject matter, images, etc.), and completely contrary to what you're commenting on. "The morality of walking through walls" was perfect for this idea.
Keep at it! |
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praisejoe
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:50 pm Post subject: |
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hi, i'm praise and i love the re-edited version of your work.
Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:46 am Post subject: Raze the Roof
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first in a long, long while.
Raze the Roof
Let’s sit and discuss the morality of walking through walls;
of coursing through the veins of this place like syphilis.
The writing on the lawn, (though the lighting’s all wrong)
smears something like iloveyou.
We’ll steal a deep breath, of asbestos and loneliness,
and call it home.
And I’ll count blessings like calories,
because optimism’s in my blood,
and my cells can’t cope with sincerity like they should.
I prick every finger that brushed past this place,
suck out the venom,
hold it on my tongue like wine.
A toast to the new year, with blood and broken glass.
A toast to the corpses of my past, and especially to
those still tied up in the trunk,
just trying to catch their breath as if it did
something criminal.
thanks |
_________________
The truth can set you free
maybe,
but you must first
set the truth free
----WOLE Soyinka |
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